I don't even know where to start tonight, other than I want to scream. I want to get on the roof of my house, and just scream. And then scream some more. I actually contemplated doing this, but one, my kids are sleeping, and two, I'm sure the neighbors wouldn't appreciate it. Everyone already thinks I am crazy, I'm sure, so I probably shouldn't give them more fuel to add to the fire. So instead, I'll just scream inside.
As I think back, I realize we spent the majority of our relationship in a hospital. I hated that place. Yet it was home. As I have made a new home, I find myself missing what was old. And as I sit here tonight, I can't help but think, I'd gladly give up everything, just to be sitting in a hospital room with him again.
As Christmas and Kayden's first birthday get closer and closer, the pain gets worse and worse. The knots get tighter, and tighter, within my stomach. I just want to go back. I want to go back to when I was a kid, and I was excited for Christmas, because this year I am surely dreading it. I would give anything to go back to a year ago. Just to be with him. Sit with him. Talk with him. Be. With. Him.
Is this even possible?! Is it really possible that I am alone? Is it possible that Christmas is almost here, and he is not? Is it possible that his son is already turning one, and he is not here to set his cake down in front of him?
I'm so angry. I don't know who, or what, I am angry at, I'm just angry. I'm angry he isn't here anymore. I'm angry I don't have a best friend anymore. I'm angry he died. I'm angry that my family has been demolished. I'm angry that cancer even exists. I'm angry he had to suffer. I'm angry that the entire time we were together, he was sick. I'm just angry. Period. It's not fair. Why? Why him? Why us? Why our family? Why do I have to explain to Kayden years from now, why HE doesn't have a Daddy here anymore? Why do my kids have to go through this?
I'm broken. Plain and simply put, broken. And at this point, I feel like it's un-fixable. I feel like I will always be broken. There is a huge hole, and no one will ever be able to fix it. The past few months, Keegan has started asking me, "Mommy, are you happy?" He's five. Even he can see it. Every day, I wake up, and go through the motions, but my heart isn't in it. I try to put on a smile, for their sake. But any way you look at it, I'm broken. Even my five year old can see that. I just don't even want to do it anymore. I'm tired of being here, in this world that doesn't make sense to me anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal, but I think if I didn't have two beautiful babies to wake up to everyday, I might be.
The closer Christmas gets, the more depressed I get. Not only because I am dreading it, but also because it's just another reminder that time is still moving. He left, yet the world moves on. And it's another reminder that his first angelversary is coming up. Really? Already? Has it really, already, almost been a year? It just doesn't even seem possible.
His last breath, it haunts me every day. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I see it. I feel it. Everyday. I re-live it. Everyday. That last day, was, hands down, the most awful day of my life. And I see it every day. My mind won't rest. I hear the awful noises he was making, while struggling to breathe. I feel that feeling of hopelessness, and helplessness. I see his body laboring with every breath. I see him take his final breath, as I felt like I was the one struggling for air. I see myself falling onto his body, sobbing in disbelief. I feel that deep sorrow. All of it. Everyday. Most days, more than once. It's stuck on repeat in my mind, and I don't know how to turn it off.
Occasionally I go back and read old posts. It brings back memories. Some good, most bad. What strikes me most tonight, is how positive I sounded in the beginning. It almost makes me wish I could go tell that girl that it will be so much harder than she ever imagined.
While I was reading through some of my older posts tonight, I came across one talking about hating being a single mom. That post was written within a few weeks after his death. If only I'd known how much harder it would get. I still hate it. I hate that I have to attend Keegan's school functions alone. I hate that I have to attend anything alone. I hate that I am the sole provider for my family, and I am solely responsible for making sure everything is done. I hate that I can't just leave the kids with him and run to the store. I hate that I can't even record my son's milestones, because I don't have anybody to hold the damn camera. Kayden is on the verge of walking, but it's near impossible for me to hold my son's hand, let go, reach my arms out for him, and try to catch it on tape at the same time. I get a botched version every time, and it makes me that much more upset.
I apologize that this has been such a negative post. It's just what is on my mind tonight. I'm sure you can't tell, so let me fill you in. I'm just really missing my husband tonight.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
I still have things to be thankful for.....
I have really not been good about keeping up with my blog the past few months. I apologize. Up until the the week of the walk, it was really about not having time to write. It has now been almost a month since the walk, and I still haven't written, mostly because I have gotten out of the habit.
The walk went great! We had close to 200 people come out and show their support, and in the end raised a little over $3400! It was such a great feeling to be a part of something so much bigger than me, and my situation. I haven't talked to the coordinator in Boise, since a few days after the walk. The last time I did talk to her, we discussed where we "placed", in regards to all the other teams. She still had some figuring to do, but she said we would probably come in 4th or 5th overall, and 2nd or 3rd among the 'friends and family' teams! How awesome for our first year! The thing that was most impressive to me, is ALL of the donations we collected were from individuals. They were all private donations, with the exception of $150 that was donated by the Pita Pit (from a fundraiser we did there). To me, that's pretty amazing! It's unfortunate that there weren't more businesses to step up and show their support, but to think we raised that much money, without the support of any businesses stepping up to make a sizable contribution, really does show what we can do as a community when we pull together. I am excited to see what the future brings. I have had several ideas bouncing around the past couple months, and I am just not quite sure where I want to take this all. I do know that I don't just want to sit back and do nothing. I want to help. I am just not sure which route I want to take to do that. I am trusting in God to lead me in the right direction.
Organizing this event, really did keep me busy for several weeks. It was good for my mind, and in some ways, I think it did help the grieving process. It made me feel like I was doing something for a greater good, and making my husband proud. I wish I could say that I am doing just great now, but I am not. For a while there, I thought I really was. I think just being busy with everything, took my mind off of being sad. Now that it all has simmered down, reality sets back in. Now it's back to everyday life, where it's just me and my boys. I hate the loneliness that comes along with that. I know that everybody has their own lives to tend to, but I just hate that mine has been turned upside down.
As everybody else is gearing up for the holidays, my mind just spins. Everybody else gets to be excited to spend time with family, but MY family has been demolished. How do you celebrate devastation? Don't get me wrong, I am THANKFUL that I have two wonderful boys to spend the holidays with, but I can't help but feel bittersweet about it. I am missing a huge chunk of my family this year, and it will be so hard. I can't help but feel sadness to think of all the stuff he is missing out on. I do understand that he is not really missing out on anything. He is in the presence of God. Perfection. Ultimate Joy. Peace. Ultimate love. I get it. I get it, but it doesn't make it any easier to process. I am human. I am human with a finite grasp of what the world is, and I only get a glimpse of the bigger picture. Since I am human, and feel human emotions, it is only natural to think he is missing out on life. I guess though when I think about it, it's US who are missing out. WE are missing out on him being here. I don't know think that pill is any easier to swallow.
As Thanksgiving nears, I have noticed a handful of people posting daily about what they are thankful for. It has really made me take a step back and evaluate what I AM thankful for. After living through such a catastrophic event, I realized I still have things to be thankful for.
The walk went great! We had close to 200 people come out and show their support, and in the end raised a little over $3400! It was such a great feeling to be a part of something so much bigger than me, and my situation. I haven't talked to the coordinator in Boise, since a few days after the walk. The last time I did talk to her, we discussed where we "placed", in regards to all the other teams. She still had some figuring to do, but she said we would probably come in 4th or 5th overall, and 2nd or 3rd among the 'friends and family' teams! How awesome for our first year! The thing that was most impressive to me, is ALL of the donations we collected were from individuals. They were all private donations, with the exception of $150 that was donated by the Pita Pit (from a fundraiser we did there). To me, that's pretty amazing! It's unfortunate that there weren't more businesses to step up and show their support, but to think we raised that much money, without the support of any businesses stepping up to make a sizable contribution, really does show what we can do as a community when we pull together. I am excited to see what the future brings. I have had several ideas bouncing around the past couple months, and I am just not quite sure where I want to take this all. I do know that I don't just want to sit back and do nothing. I want to help. I am just not sure which route I want to take to do that. I am trusting in God to lead me in the right direction.
Organizing this event, really did keep me busy for several weeks. It was good for my mind, and in some ways, I think it did help the grieving process. It made me feel like I was doing something for a greater good, and making my husband proud. I wish I could say that I am doing just great now, but I am not. For a while there, I thought I really was. I think just being busy with everything, took my mind off of being sad. Now that it all has simmered down, reality sets back in. Now it's back to everyday life, where it's just me and my boys. I hate the loneliness that comes along with that. I know that everybody has their own lives to tend to, but I just hate that mine has been turned upside down.
As everybody else is gearing up for the holidays, my mind just spins. Everybody else gets to be excited to spend time with family, but MY family has been demolished. How do you celebrate devastation? Don't get me wrong, I am THANKFUL that I have two wonderful boys to spend the holidays with, but I can't help but feel bittersweet about it. I am missing a huge chunk of my family this year, and it will be so hard. I can't help but feel sadness to think of all the stuff he is missing out on. I do understand that he is not really missing out on anything. He is in the presence of God. Perfection. Ultimate Joy. Peace. Ultimate love. I get it. I get it, but it doesn't make it any easier to process. I am human. I am human with a finite grasp of what the world is, and I only get a glimpse of the bigger picture. Since I am human, and feel human emotions, it is only natural to think he is missing out on life. I guess though when I think about it, it's US who are missing out. WE are missing out on him being here. I don't know think that pill is any easier to swallow.
As Thanksgiving nears, I have noticed a handful of people posting daily about what they are thankful for. It has really made me take a step back and evaluate what I AM thankful for. After living through such a catastrophic event, I realized I still have things to be thankful for.
- I am thankful for Jesus, for paying the ultimate price for my sins. He died on the cross to save MY life. I cannot think of one thing that I could be MORE thankful of.
- I am thankful I have healthy, happy children, who I love more than the world.
- I am thankful for a wonderful supportive family. I am also thankful they are all relatively healthy, and happy.
- I am thankful for friends, new and old. Some, unfortunately, have gone through similar situations, but they do give me encouragement, and hope, that life does go on (even if that is another dagger to the heart sometimes). Many, thankfully, have not had to experience this hell, and may not understand me most of the time, but I do know they mean well, and for that I am thankful.
- I am thankful that I am healthy. As easy as it seems sometimes to just want to leave this life, I realize I am all my kids have, and they need me.
- I am thankful I have a roof over my head every night. I am thankful I have a warm bed to sleep in every night, and that my children enjoy the same luxury.
- I am thankful I have food in my belly every day.
- I am thankful that I have found a job that allows me to stay at home with my children. I am thankful that I get to enjoy every minute of them growing up, because it happens way too fast.
- I am thankful there are people out there willing to fight for our country's safety everyday.
- I am thankful that YOU cared enough to take 5 minutes out of your day to read this post
- I am thankful that I was blessed enough to meet the love of my life. I am thankful for the time I got to spend with him, and it has made me who I am today.
- I am thankful I got to experience true love. There are so many people who go their whole lives not knowing that love.
- I am thankful that my husband is no longer in pain. As much as I miss him, and selfishly want him back, I know he is in perfect health now. His bones no longer ache. His body no longer aches. He no longer has terrible headaches. He is pain free, and that's what I prayed for all along. I just imagined the end result as being much different, but I am still thankful.
I am sure I could come up with a list of a million things I am thankful for, but these are the ones that are really on my heart tonight. I hope that each and every one of you can take a moment to reflect, and count your blessings. Be thankful for the things in your life that mean something.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
A promise.......
So as many of you remember, my last post had to do with a promise I made to my husband. I promised him I would bring awareness to Leukemia, as well as the importance to becoming a bone marrow donor. I am trying my hardest to make good on those promises.
In the first few months after Pat passed away, I thought regularly about how I was going to fulfill the promise I made to my husband. Originally, my plan was to bring awareness primarily through my blog. I knew I had many people who read my blog on a regular basis, along with people out there who found it without looking. While I am still bringing some awareness through this blog, my passion has taken on a life of it's own. I have started planning an event that has taken the level of awareness to places I never would have imagined possible.
I have been super busy the past couple of weeks. I am trying to organize an "unofficial" Light the Night Walk. A few weeks ago, I came across a link on Facebook for a Light the Night Walk. I clicked on it, and read more about it. I had never heard of this walk, so I scoured their website, looking for a the location of a walk near me. After searching, I realized there were no organized walks anywhere in Montana. The nearest walk site is in Boise, ID. I want to change that. I contacted the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society (LLS), and asked how I would go about organizing a walk in Billings. I was told that LLS doesn't really allow people to start their own walks, that it was something that needed to be organized through the society. She also told me that LLS needed a good reason to bring a walk to my area, telling me that they needed to know they would raise enough money, for it to be worth their efforts. She asked me if I would like to register a team, under the Boise walk site, and raise money. She told me I could just pick a park, gather friends and family, and walk in Pat's honor. Without a doubt in my mind, I said, "Yes." Immediately after I got off the phone, I called a few family members, and told them what I was planning. I was, and still am, super excited about getting this all going. From that very first day, I knew I wanted to make this big. I knew I wanted to make this about more than just our friends and family walking for my husband. I wanted to get our entire community involved, and make this a community event. My hope is, that if I can raise enough money, and get our entire community involved, that LLS will consider Billings as a prime location to host an annual Light the Night walk. I would love nothing more than to be able to attend this walk, every year, and raise money for them, all in Pat's honor.
I started posting on Facebook, asking friends and family to donate, and asking them to share the link. I noticed it was only getting me so far. I was never going to get the word out to the community, when only a handful of people were sharing with their friends. I decided to call the media. I contacted our local paper, they interviewed me, and the article printed in today's paper. You can read the article here. I also contacted a local news station, and did an interview on Friday. That is scheduled to air early next week. I hope by this getting out through the media, our community will come together and support this cause.
I am doing several fundraisers to try and raise money. With the help of an excellent friend, Dani Buhmann, we are having a garage sale with items donated by the community. Our garage sale fundraiser is scheduled for September 17. We are also organizing a raffle. If you live near the Billings area, and would like to help out with either of these fundraisers, please contact me (If you don't live near me, but are willing to ship your donations, that would be great as well!) We are still in need of your unused items for our garage sale. I know some people may not be able to donate money to this cause, but most people have a few things taking up space, that could be donated to our sale. Even if it's only a box full of items, we sure would appreciate it! We are also looking for items to add to our raffle. These items would need to be new. Items we think would be good for this raffle "basket" include: gift certificates, handmade items, candles, health and beauty, electronics, or anything else you can think of that would be a good prize for a raffle. No item is too big or small! I am also going to be selling orange bracelets, in honor of Leukemia awareness. I will let everyone know when I get these in.
The walk is scheduled for October 14, 2011 at 7:00 pm, at North Park in Billings, MT. I am very excited to announce that during the walk, we will also be hosting a bone marrow recruitment drive. The National Marrow Donor Program will have a team set up to answer questions, and get people signed up to be on the national registry. I really hope we get a good turn out, and get a lot of people signed up!
Even if you are not from Billings, please consider making a donation to this cause. I need everybody's support to make this dream a reality. If you are interested in making a donation, you can go to my fundraising page. Donations in any denomination will be greatly appreciated! No amount is too little! Even if it's only $1, it will help us reach our goals! Thank you in advance to any that donate!
I am supposed to have a meeting with LLS sometime early next year. We will talk again about the possibilities of bringing a walk to our area. I want to be able to bring the numbers to them, when we have this meeting. They will see how much money we raised, and I hope to be able to tell them how many people support this. I created a Facebook page for this cause. If you are in support of what I am trying to accomplish, please like this page.
I am really excited for this whole event. I feel like it's an excellent way to honor my husband. I want to make him proud, and honor his wishes. I made that promise to him, and I have every intention of keeping it. I hope that we not only raise a lot of money, but I hope I am bringing awareness to Leukemia, and becoming a bone marrow donor, through all of this.
In the first few months after Pat passed away, I thought regularly about how I was going to fulfill the promise I made to my husband. Originally, my plan was to bring awareness primarily through my blog. I knew I had many people who read my blog on a regular basis, along with people out there who found it without looking. While I am still bringing some awareness through this blog, my passion has taken on a life of it's own. I have started planning an event that has taken the level of awareness to places I never would have imagined possible.
I have been super busy the past couple of weeks. I am trying to organize an "unofficial" Light the Night Walk. A few weeks ago, I came across a link on Facebook for a Light the Night Walk. I clicked on it, and read more about it. I had never heard of this walk, so I scoured their website, looking for a the location of a walk near me. After searching, I realized there were no organized walks anywhere in Montana. The nearest walk site is in Boise, ID. I want to change that. I contacted the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society (LLS), and asked how I would go about organizing a walk in Billings. I was told that LLS doesn't really allow people to start their own walks, that it was something that needed to be organized through the society. She also told me that LLS needed a good reason to bring a walk to my area, telling me that they needed to know they would raise enough money, for it to be worth their efforts. She asked me if I would like to register a team, under the Boise walk site, and raise money. She told me I could just pick a park, gather friends and family, and walk in Pat's honor. Without a doubt in my mind, I said, "Yes." Immediately after I got off the phone, I called a few family members, and told them what I was planning. I was, and still am, super excited about getting this all going. From that very first day, I knew I wanted to make this big. I knew I wanted to make this about more than just our friends and family walking for my husband. I wanted to get our entire community involved, and make this a community event. My hope is, that if I can raise enough money, and get our entire community involved, that LLS will consider Billings as a prime location to host an annual Light the Night walk. I would love nothing more than to be able to attend this walk, every year, and raise money for them, all in Pat's honor.
I started posting on Facebook, asking friends and family to donate, and asking them to share the link. I noticed it was only getting me so far. I was never going to get the word out to the community, when only a handful of people were sharing with their friends. I decided to call the media. I contacted our local paper, they interviewed me, and the article printed in today's paper. You can read the article here. I also contacted a local news station, and did an interview on Friday. That is scheduled to air early next week. I hope by this getting out through the media, our community will come together and support this cause.
I am doing several fundraisers to try and raise money. With the help of an excellent friend, Dani Buhmann, we are having a garage sale with items donated by the community. Our garage sale fundraiser is scheduled for September 17. We are also organizing a raffle. If you live near the Billings area, and would like to help out with either of these fundraisers, please contact me (If you don't live near me, but are willing to ship your donations, that would be great as well!) We are still in need of your unused items for our garage sale. I know some people may not be able to donate money to this cause, but most people have a few things taking up space, that could be donated to our sale. Even if it's only a box full of items, we sure would appreciate it! We are also looking for items to add to our raffle. These items would need to be new. Items we think would be good for this raffle "basket" include: gift certificates, handmade items, candles, health and beauty, electronics, or anything else you can think of that would be a good prize for a raffle. No item is too big or small! I am also going to be selling orange bracelets, in honor of Leukemia awareness. I will let everyone know when I get these in.
The walk is scheduled for October 14, 2011 at 7:00 pm, at North Park in Billings, MT. I am very excited to announce that during the walk, we will also be hosting a bone marrow recruitment drive. The National Marrow Donor Program will have a team set up to answer questions, and get people signed up to be on the national registry. I really hope we get a good turn out, and get a lot of people signed up!
Even if you are not from Billings, please consider making a donation to this cause. I need everybody's support to make this dream a reality. If you are interested in making a donation, you can go to my fundraising page. Donations in any denomination will be greatly appreciated! No amount is too little! Even if it's only $1, it will help us reach our goals! Thank you in advance to any that donate!
I am supposed to have a meeting with LLS sometime early next year. We will talk again about the possibilities of bringing a walk to our area. I want to be able to bring the numbers to them, when we have this meeting. They will see how much money we raised, and I hope to be able to tell them how many people support this. I created a Facebook page for this cause. If you are in support of what I am trying to accomplish, please like this page.
I am really excited for this whole event. I feel like it's an excellent way to honor my husband. I want to make him proud, and honor his wishes. I made that promise to him, and I have every intention of keeping it. I hope that we not only raise a lot of money, but I hope I am bringing awareness to Leukemia, and becoming a bone marrow donor, through all of this.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
8 Weeks and Craving Ice Cream......
So I have a few different things on my mind tonight. I apologize in advance because I feel like my mind is all over the place, so chances are, so will this post. I am also going to warn you in advance because I am going to undoubtedly make someone mad with this post.
"8 weeks and craving ice cream....."
I am sure you have seen similar statuses posted all over your Facebook news feed. Some of you know what it is about, and I am betting that many of you reading this are male, curious about what is going on. What is it all about? Well it's another breast cancer awareness chain game.
I personally don't understand. I don't understand what playing these types of games has to do with breast cancer awareness? How does this bring awareness to anyone? And more importantly, why are the men not supposed to participate? Did the person who started these not realize that men get breast cancer too? There have been several of these games played over the last couple years. This one is about your birthday, there was one that had to do with bras that made national news, there was one last year that had to do with where you leave your purse, and one earlier this year that had to do with your shoe size. All of them produce the strange status updates like, "8 weeks and craving ice cream", or "I like it on the coffee table", or "8 inches :(", that inevitably leave the men wondering what us women are up to. Does it make people laugh? Yes. Are games like this on Facebook fun? Yes. What I don't think is funny is cancer. Any form of it. And I don't understand how playing games on Facebook is bringing any type of awareness to any kind of cancer. I feel like it's just kind of shooting in the dark, what exactly is it bringing awareness to? I think most people by now have heard of breast cancer. The cancer itself doesn't need awareness, and the fact that this does nothing to raise funds etc, just makes it kind of pointless to me. Now if it raised awareness on early diagnosis, or maybe some facts that people may not know about, I would undoubtedly have no problem. If people want to bring awareness to certain types of cancer, then donate your time or money to the cause, and invite your friends to do the same. Start a fundraiser. Donate your time and efforts to local community events that support cancer research. Heck, even set up a Facebook page to help raise awareness to certain aspects of cancer that others may not know about. Anything, but play a silly game that makes cancer into a joke. Bottom line is: I think these chain games are funny and entertaining, I just hate that 'breast cancer awareness' has to be attached to them. I feel like it demeans the real awareness that needs to be shared, and turns it into a joking matter. If these "chain games" were just that, games, with nothing attached, I would have no problem with a silly game to keep the guys guessing.
Pat and I had this talk last year when the "purse" chain game was going around. We couldn't figure out what our friends were talking about, so we Googled it. When we figured out it was supposed to be about breast cancer awareness, we were both kind of dumbfounded. We both agreed it didn't really make sense. How was any awareness being brought to the table, and it certainly didn't seem like it would be inspiring people to donate to the cause. When I saw these ones going around this year, it definitely brought back the conversations we had last year, and really brought it all to the surface.
Before I move on, to those of you who are friends with me on Facebook I hope you are not offended by what I have said. I know many of you have posted the above status with your details, and I just want to say that I do not think any less of you for doing so, and I hope you understand this is just my opinion of this awareness game. This also was not directed at any of you personally, just something that has been on my mind the past couple days. I know many of you were either doing it to get a rise out of the guys, or because you truly were trying to bring awareness to cancer, or both! I know not everyone will agree with me, but I hope at least it gives you something to think about.
Before my husband passed away, I made a promise to him. I promised him that I would bring awareness to leukemia. I also promised him that I would advocate becoming a bone marrow donor, as well as cord blood donation. I have been waiting for the perfect time to keep this promise I made, and now seems like that perfect time. Today marks the start of the leukemia and lymphoma awareness month. That, mixed with all the feelings I had about this "chain game" on Facebook, it just all seemed to fit together, and I couldn't NOT post about it tonight. I want to bring some REAL awareness to the plate.
Before my husband was diagnosed with leukemia, I never really knew much about the disease. When I heard the term, I always thought of it as a childhood cancer. I knew it was cancer, but never really knew what the cancer was 'attacking'. Pat and I had several conversations about this, and we both seemed to agree. In case you don't know, leukemia is cancer of the blood or bone marrow. There are several different types of leukemia, but I won't get into each of the different types today. One of the main struggles that is different than most other types of cancer, is there is no tumor to remove, sometimes making it harder to treat. Many leukemia patients are forced to get a bone marrow transplant, as their only hope for survival. A bone marrow transplant may have saved my Husband's life. He never got that far. Had there been someone out there, somewhere, that they could have used, my husband may have survived. Most people are aware of organ donation. Most people know about blood donation. Most people even know about plasma donation these days, but you don't hear too much about bone marrow donation. Maybe I am just completely naive, but I don't know that I had even heard about it before I came in contact with this terrible disease. And if I had heard of it, I sure had no idea how to sign up to be one, or what all the details were, or how GREAT the need is, or that it could actually SAVE someone's life. I encourage each and every one of you reading this today, to please sign up to be a donor. Please sign up to save someone's life. To save someone's family. I am not asking you to do this, my Husband is. I made a promise to him to educate people about donating. He told me that he didn't want another family to have to go through what we had gone through. He told me that he didn't want all his pain to be in vain, and that if we could help another family out there, it would all be worth it. The process is simple. You fill out a questionnaire online, and they send you a kit. Go to "Be a Match" to join or to learn more information.
Another route of donation that I am sure some of you have heard of, is cord blood donation. Another misconception I feel is out there, is that many people think they have donated their cord blood. Well, you may have donated your cord blood, but if you just signed a consent form of some kind, it wasn't donated to be used in this way. Most likely it was donated for research purposes. Cord blood can be used for transplantation, when there are no close matches in adults. This can truly save someone's life, and it's saddening that many times it is just discarded. So if you are pregnant, or plan on becoming pregnant, please look into donating the cord blood. It will take a little time and energy on your part, but you may be saving someone's life. Make sure you look into it early, and discuss it with your doctor, because as I understand it you have to have everything planned by 35 weeks gestation.
I feel like this is the single most important post I have blogged about since Pat has been gone, and I am asking for your help. Not only am I asking you to become a donor, but I am asking you to share this post with as many people as you can. Please share on facebook, twitter, email, however you can. I want to honor my husband by bringing as much awareness to this topic as possible! Thank you for your support and help!
I hope I made an ounce of sense tonight. So much on my mind that I wanted to get out, and I hope it was read-able at the least. I miss my husband. I want him back in my arms. Unfortunately I can't have that. If I can help one family avoid the devastation we have dealt with, at least I will know his pain was not in vain. I know he would be happy with that.
"8 weeks and craving ice cream....."
I am sure you have seen similar statuses posted all over your Facebook news feed. Some of you know what it is about, and I am betting that many of you reading this are male, curious about what is going on. What is it all about? Well it's another breast cancer awareness chain game.
I personally don't understand. I don't understand what playing these types of games has to do with breast cancer awareness? How does this bring awareness to anyone? And more importantly, why are the men not supposed to participate? Did the person who started these not realize that men get breast cancer too? There have been several of these games played over the last couple years. This one is about your birthday, there was one that had to do with bras that made national news, there was one last year that had to do with where you leave your purse, and one earlier this year that had to do with your shoe size. All of them produce the strange status updates like, "8 weeks and craving ice cream", or "I like it on the coffee table", or "8 inches :(", that inevitably leave the men wondering what us women are up to. Does it make people laugh? Yes. Are games like this on Facebook fun? Yes. What I don't think is funny is cancer. Any form of it. And I don't understand how playing games on Facebook is bringing any type of awareness to any kind of cancer. I feel like it's just kind of shooting in the dark, what exactly is it bringing awareness to? I think most people by now have heard of breast cancer. The cancer itself doesn't need awareness, and the fact that this does nothing to raise funds etc, just makes it kind of pointless to me. Now if it raised awareness on early diagnosis, or maybe some facts that people may not know about, I would undoubtedly have no problem. If people want to bring awareness to certain types of cancer, then donate your time or money to the cause, and invite your friends to do the same. Start a fundraiser. Donate your time and efforts to local community events that support cancer research. Heck, even set up a Facebook page to help raise awareness to certain aspects of cancer that others may not know about. Anything, but play a silly game that makes cancer into a joke. Bottom line is: I think these chain games are funny and entertaining, I just hate that 'breast cancer awareness' has to be attached to them. I feel like it demeans the real awareness that needs to be shared, and turns it into a joking matter. If these "chain games" were just that, games, with nothing attached, I would have no problem with a silly game to keep the guys guessing.
Pat and I had this talk last year when the "purse" chain game was going around. We couldn't figure out what our friends were talking about, so we Googled it. When we figured out it was supposed to be about breast cancer awareness, we were both kind of dumbfounded. We both agreed it didn't really make sense. How was any awareness being brought to the table, and it certainly didn't seem like it would be inspiring people to donate to the cause. When I saw these ones going around this year, it definitely brought back the conversations we had last year, and really brought it all to the surface.
Before I move on, to those of you who are friends with me on Facebook I hope you are not offended by what I have said. I know many of you have posted the above status with your details, and I just want to say that I do not think any less of you for doing so, and I hope you understand this is just my opinion of this awareness game. This also was not directed at any of you personally, just something that has been on my mind the past couple days. I know many of you were either doing it to get a rise out of the guys, or because you truly were trying to bring awareness to cancer, or both! I know not everyone will agree with me, but I hope at least it gives you something to think about.
Before my husband passed away, I made a promise to him. I promised him that I would bring awareness to leukemia. I also promised him that I would advocate becoming a bone marrow donor, as well as cord blood donation. I have been waiting for the perfect time to keep this promise I made, and now seems like that perfect time. Today marks the start of the leukemia and lymphoma awareness month. That, mixed with all the feelings I had about this "chain game" on Facebook, it just all seemed to fit together, and I couldn't NOT post about it tonight. I want to bring some REAL awareness to the plate.
Before my husband was diagnosed with leukemia, I never really knew much about the disease. When I heard the term, I always thought of it as a childhood cancer. I knew it was cancer, but never really knew what the cancer was 'attacking'. Pat and I had several conversations about this, and we both seemed to agree. In case you don't know, leukemia is cancer of the blood or bone marrow. There are several different types of leukemia, but I won't get into each of the different types today. One of the main struggles that is different than most other types of cancer, is there is no tumor to remove, sometimes making it harder to treat. Many leukemia patients are forced to get a bone marrow transplant, as their only hope for survival. A bone marrow transplant may have saved my Husband's life. He never got that far. Had there been someone out there, somewhere, that they could have used, my husband may have survived. Most people are aware of organ donation. Most people know about blood donation. Most people even know about plasma donation these days, but you don't hear too much about bone marrow donation. Maybe I am just completely naive, but I don't know that I had even heard about it before I came in contact with this terrible disease. And if I had heard of it, I sure had no idea how to sign up to be one, or what all the details were, or how GREAT the need is, or that it could actually SAVE someone's life. I encourage each and every one of you reading this today, to please sign up to be a donor. Please sign up to save someone's life. To save someone's family. I am not asking you to do this, my Husband is. I made a promise to him to educate people about donating. He told me that he didn't want another family to have to go through what we had gone through. He told me that he didn't want all his pain to be in vain, and that if we could help another family out there, it would all be worth it. The process is simple. You fill out a questionnaire online, and they send you a kit. Go to "Be a Match" to join or to learn more information.
Another route of donation that I am sure some of you have heard of, is cord blood donation. Another misconception I feel is out there, is that many people think they have donated their cord blood. Well, you may have donated your cord blood, but if you just signed a consent form of some kind, it wasn't donated to be used in this way. Most likely it was donated for research purposes. Cord blood can be used for transplantation, when there are no close matches in adults. This can truly save someone's life, and it's saddening that many times it is just discarded. So if you are pregnant, or plan on becoming pregnant, please look into donating the cord blood. It will take a little time and energy on your part, but you may be saving someone's life. Make sure you look into it early, and discuss it with your doctor, because as I understand it you have to have everything planned by 35 weeks gestation.
I feel like this is the single most important post I have blogged about since Pat has been gone, and I am asking for your help. Not only am I asking you to become a donor, but I am asking you to share this post with as many people as you can. Please share on facebook, twitter, email, however you can. I want to honor my husband by bringing as much awareness to this topic as possible! Thank you for your support and help!
I hope I made an ounce of sense tonight. So much on my mind that I wanted to get out, and I hope it was read-able at the least. I miss my husband. I want him back in my arms. Unfortunately I can't have that. If I can help one family avoid the devastation we have dealt with, at least I will know his pain was not in vain. I know he would be happy with that.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Boiled over......
Widow. That word rocks me to my core. Every time it has to come out of my mouth, I feel like I want to throw up. Every time I have to check that box on a form, I can feel the color flee from my face, and I feel like I could faint at any given moment. I still hate that word with a passion. When I think of a widow, I think of someone who is old and grey. I think of a little old lady sitting in a rocking chair knitting, reading glasses barely hanging from her nose, while her black cat sits on her lap. I am 27. I am not grey. Instead of a cat on my lap, I have a 5 year old and an infant. This is not what a widow's life is supposed to look like. I am not supposed to be a widow.
I think my emotions have started to catch up with me the past few days. Yesterday was the worst of them. All the thoughts that were sitting on the back burner of my mind, got together and ransacked my emotions yesterday. I cried until I was so tired, emotionally and physically, that I had no choice but to go to bed.
Over the weekend I took the kids to the fair. I had Keegan, Kayden, and Tasia. We met up with Pat's parents, and they brought Hailee, and Natalie (along with Pat's nephews and his little sister). We let the kids ride the rides, and play the games. Overall I think they all had a great time. I put on a smile, but, however, couldn't help but feel like something was missing. Well, someone. Pat. Last year we had gone to the fair together. WE watched the kids have fun on the rides, not ME alone. It weighed heavy on my heart all day and night long. I also couldn't help but notice how many families were there. A mom, a dad, and a son. A mom, a dad, a son, and a daughter. Laughing and enjoying themselves. Eating corn dogs, cotton candy, and funnel cakes together. Fathers chasing their sons to the next ride. Giggles, and bright eyes. Laughter and enjoyment. I wanted what they had. I wanted MY family back, which is now nothing but a crushed dream.
One year ago, August 15, 2010, we attended one of the concerts at the fair. It was an outdoor concert because our arena was destroyed by a tornado a couple months earlier. Hinder and Finger 11 were playing. If I remember right, Pat won the tickets. I could never keep track of how many concerts he went to in his life, but I know it was more than anyone I had ever known, and he usually got the tickets for free. That was his thing. Concerts were his thing. Music was his thing. He loved it, and he loved seeing them perform. We attended several concerts together in the time I had with him, and I think I attended more concerts in that short amount of time, than I did in my life leading up to meeting him. I will forever cherish those moments, because I got to spend time with the man I love, doing what he loved. For months, up until this concert, he would ask me when he could take Keegan to his first concert. I am pretty sure the first time he asked I told him 16. His jaw hit the floor. He argued and argued and argued, but I stood my ground. Well sort of. Gradually, I worked my way down to 15, then 12, then 10. I was adamant that my 4 year old would not be attending a concert anytime soon. Part of my rationale was that Keegan was my baby, and I was his mommy. He would NOT be attending a concert anytime soon. The other part of my rationale (which was actually reasonable) was that Keegan was born with a mild/moderate hearing loss. I did not want to subject him to a loud concert, that could, potentially, make that problem even worse. After he heard the news that the concert was to be played outside, due to the storm damage, and finding out he won the tickets, he came to me to plead his case one more time. I caved. He was on cloud nine. He was so proud that he was there with his son, at his first concert. And Keegan (who from day 1 has also had a tremendous love for music) had a blast! Pat posted on facebook, while at the concert that night: "My son is attending his first rock concert and it's awesome". He was so proud, I couldn't help but to be excited for him. Today, I am glad I caved. Keegan will forever be able to hold on to that memory of his first concert, and how special it was to be there with Pat. The thing that I remember most about this concert, is not the music, or the performance. The thing I remember most, is that Pat was going through chemotherapy at the time, he was sick and weak. Yet he was smiling from ear to ear, without a worry in the world. That is the memory I hold in my heart for that day.
And just for the record, I think we may just have another music enthusiast in the family. I was about 5 months pregnant with Kayden at that concert, and he was doing somersaults the entire time the music was playing.
Three Days Grace played this year. I wanted to go, but couldn't afford it. As I thought about it often in the days leading up to the big show, my heart was heavy. I knew Pat would have wanted to go, and I'm sure he would have found us tickets to go somehow, somewhere. He would have enjoyed one of the things he loved to do most. It's just another thing he can't experience anymore, which breaks my heart.
Yesterday, I enrolled Keegan in Kindergarten. I can't believe he is grown up enough to go to school already. We went a couple weeks ago, and got all his school supplies. We picked out crayons, markers, and pencils. We got tissue, glue, and hand sanitizer. And when it was time, with pride, he picked out his very own Buzz Lightyear backpack. He is very excited to go to school, but most excited about riding the school bus. I'm nervous for him to go, but excited for him at the same time. I'm sure if you are a mother with kids in school, you know exactly what this milestone feels like. As excited as I am for him, my eyes well up with tears thinking about it. Not just because my first born going to be in Kindergarten, but also because the love of my life is going to miss out on his Son's first day of school. Everything has to end in bittersweet these days.
Through out this process I have had several people let me down. People that I considered family, have vanished from my life. Friendships have become strained. It puts a damper on my spirit when I really sit down and think about it. It's saddening because it all came out of left field. It was all so unexpected and feels so unnatural. In the beginning, I read about my address book changing, after going through what I have, but honestly, I thought, "Nah, not me." Which coincidentally is what I thought when I first heard the news that Pat had Leukemia, "Nah, not us. He'll make it. It won't take him." Unfortunately, in both scenarios, it WAS me.
All of this, sitting on the back burner of my mind. Just stewing. Simmering.
Last night I was on facebook. I clicked on a link a friend of mine posted, which took me to a blog. After reading through the blog, I clicked on a recommended link from the author. It took me to Youtube. I watched the recommended video, and clicked on the sidebar on something that must have looked interesting. Before I knew it, somehow, I was watching infant memorial videos. I don't know how I ended up there, but they sort of had me in a trance. They were so sad, yet so beautiful. The final one I clicked on, was a baby that was born prematurely. The mother had been in the hospital for four days. Her amniotic sac had ruptured before she came in to the hospital. Knowing the risks involved, she, with the doctor's guidance, was trying desperately trying to save her baby's life, by avoiding delivery. On the fourth day she was told, her and the baby both had an infection, and if she wanted to see her baby alive, she needed to deliver. So she delivered. The baby was so small, yet so beautiful. So tiny, yet so perfect. The video, compiled of photos, showed numerous family members holding her, including her older sister. It was beautiful. I was in tears already. Then towards the end of the video, I noticed a drastic change. The baby no longer had color. She was pale, then she was white. I knew she had passed away, and they were saying their goodbyes. While I sympathized with their sorrow, this immediately brought back memories, and emotions, of what I saw, and felt, the day Pat passed away. He was pale. Then he was ghost white. The life had left his body, and he took a piece of me with. A part of me died that day, when my love, my life, was taken from me.
And what had been simmering, finally boiled over.
I think my emotions have started to catch up with me the past few days. Yesterday was the worst of them. All the thoughts that were sitting on the back burner of my mind, got together and ransacked my emotions yesterday. I cried until I was so tired, emotionally and physically, that I had no choice but to go to bed.
Over the weekend I took the kids to the fair. I had Keegan, Kayden, and Tasia. We met up with Pat's parents, and they brought Hailee, and Natalie (along with Pat's nephews and his little sister). We let the kids ride the rides, and play the games. Overall I think they all had a great time. I put on a smile, but, however, couldn't help but feel like something was missing. Well, someone. Pat. Last year we had gone to the fair together. WE watched the kids have fun on the rides, not ME alone. It weighed heavy on my heart all day and night long. I also couldn't help but notice how many families were there. A mom, a dad, and a son. A mom, a dad, a son, and a daughter. Laughing and enjoying themselves. Eating corn dogs, cotton candy, and funnel cakes together. Fathers chasing their sons to the next ride. Giggles, and bright eyes. Laughter and enjoyment. I wanted what they had. I wanted MY family back, which is now nothing but a crushed dream.
One year ago, August 15, 2010, we attended one of the concerts at the fair. It was an outdoor concert because our arena was destroyed by a tornado a couple months earlier. Hinder and Finger 11 were playing. If I remember right, Pat won the tickets. I could never keep track of how many concerts he went to in his life, but I know it was more than anyone I had ever known, and he usually got the tickets for free. That was his thing. Concerts were his thing. Music was his thing. He loved it, and he loved seeing them perform. We attended several concerts together in the time I had with him, and I think I attended more concerts in that short amount of time, than I did in my life leading up to meeting him. I will forever cherish those moments, because I got to spend time with the man I love, doing what he loved. For months, up until this concert, he would ask me when he could take Keegan to his first concert. I am pretty sure the first time he asked I told him 16. His jaw hit the floor. He argued and argued and argued, but I stood my ground. Well sort of. Gradually, I worked my way down to 15, then 12, then 10. I was adamant that my 4 year old would not be attending a concert anytime soon. Part of my rationale was that Keegan was my baby, and I was his mommy. He would NOT be attending a concert anytime soon. The other part of my rationale (which was actually reasonable) was that Keegan was born with a mild/moderate hearing loss. I did not want to subject him to a loud concert, that could, potentially, make that problem even worse. After he heard the news that the concert was to be played outside, due to the storm damage, and finding out he won the tickets, he came to me to plead his case one more time. I caved. He was on cloud nine. He was so proud that he was there with his son, at his first concert. And Keegan (who from day 1 has also had a tremendous love for music) had a blast! Pat posted on facebook, while at the concert that night: "My son is attending his first rock concert and it's awesome". He was so proud, I couldn't help but to be excited for him. Today, I am glad I caved. Keegan will forever be able to hold on to that memory of his first concert, and how special it was to be there with Pat. The thing that I remember most about this concert, is not the music, or the performance. The thing I remember most, is that Pat was going through chemotherapy at the time, he was sick and weak. Yet he was smiling from ear to ear, without a worry in the world. That is the memory I hold in my heart for that day.
And just for the record, I think we may just have another music enthusiast in the family. I was about 5 months pregnant with Kayden at that concert, and he was doing somersaults the entire time the music was playing.
Three Days Grace played this year. I wanted to go, but couldn't afford it. As I thought about it often in the days leading up to the big show, my heart was heavy. I knew Pat would have wanted to go, and I'm sure he would have found us tickets to go somehow, somewhere. He would have enjoyed one of the things he loved to do most. It's just another thing he can't experience anymore, which breaks my heart.
Yesterday, I enrolled Keegan in Kindergarten. I can't believe he is grown up enough to go to school already. We went a couple weeks ago, and got all his school supplies. We picked out crayons, markers, and pencils. We got tissue, glue, and hand sanitizer. And when it was time, with pride, he picked out his very own Buzz Lightyear backpack. He is very excited to go to school, but most excited about riding the school bus. I'm nervous for him to go, but excited for him at the same time. I'm sure if you are a mother with kids in school, you know exactly what this milestone feels like. As excited as I am for him, my eyes well up with tears thinking about it. Not just because my first born going to be in Kindergarten, but also because the love of my life is going to miss out on his Son's first day of school. Everything has to end in bittersweet these days.
Through out this process I have had several people let me down. People that I considered family, have vanished from my life. Friendships have become strained. It puts a damper on my spirit when I really sit down and think about it. It's saddening because it all came out of left field. It was all so unexpected and feels so unnatural. In the beginning, I read about my address book changing, after going through what I have, but honestly, I thought, "Nah, not me." Which coincidentally is what I thought when I first heard the news that Pat had Leukemia, "Nah, not us. He'll make it. It won't take him." Unfortunately, in both scenarios, it WAS me.
All of this, sitting on the back burner of my mind. Just stewing. Simmering.
Last night I was on facebook. I clicked on a link a friend of mine posted, which took me to a blog. After reading through the blog, I clicked on a recommended link from the author. It took me to Youtube. I watched the recommended video, and clicked on the sidebar on something that must have looked interesting. Before I knew it, somehow, I was watching infant memorial videos. I don't know how I ended up there, but they sort of had me in a trance. They were so sad, yet so beautiful. The final one I clicked on, was a baby that was born prematurely. The mother had been in the hospital for four days. Her amniotic sac had ruptured before she came in to the hospital. Knowing the risks involved, she, with the doctor's guidance, was trying desperately trying to save her baby's life, by avoiding delivery. On the fourth day she was told, her and the baby both had an infection, and if she wanted to see her baby alive, she needed to deliver. So she delivered. The baby was so small, yet so beautiful. So tiny, yet so perfect. The video, compiled of photos, showed numerous family members holding her, including her older sister. It was beautiful. I was in tears already. Then towards the end of the video, I noticed a drastic change. The baby no longer had color. She was pale, then she was white. I knew she had passed away, and they were saying their goodbyes. While I sympathized with their sorrow, this immediately brought back memories, and emotions, of what I saw, and felt, the day Pat passed away. He was pale. Then he was ghost white. The life had left his body, and he took a piece of me with. A part of me died that day, when my love, my life, was taken from me.
And what had been simmering, finally boiled over.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
He was JUST here.........
So it's been a while since I last posted. Actually it's been a little over three months. There are several factors that play into why I haven't. Firstly, I was busy moving and getting settled into our new home. Second, I just kind of got out of the habit of blogging. And lastly, and possibly most importantly, I had been away for so long, that I was scared to relive any of the feelings I felt, when I posted a few months ago. My intuition was correct. Not only have I not blogged in over three months, but, I haven't even been back to this site in almost as long. As soon as I logged on tonight, a flood of emotions ran through. I read through my last couple posts, and I started to relive it all. The tears started to flow. I actually had to take a breather before I started tonight, it was just too much to handle.
To be completely honest, for the most part, I am doing ok these days. I am doing ok these days because I block everything out. I know it's probably not the best way to deal with grief, and one day I'm sure it'll sneak up on me. But for now, it's the only way I know how to get through each day. Don't get me wrong, I think about Pat every second of the day, but when it comes to FEELING anything, I try my best to not let it in. I will purposefully sidetrack my thoughts. For the most part, it works. There are still moments where I am overcome with sadness, and anger, and disbelief. Mostly disbelief. I still can't believe this has really happened. When I do think about things, my thoughts always boil down to...how is this possible? He was JUST here. We were JUST saying our vows. We were JUST in the hospital together, while he was going through chemotherapy. We were JUST leaving for Oklahoma. We were JUST in the hospital welcoming our new son into the world. We were JUST celebrating Christmas together. So if he was JUST here, then how is he all of the sudden gone? These thoughts travel my mind, and never settle. They get pushed away, but they always find their way back, and bounce around the walls of my mind. I will see a picture, and it will bring back a memory. That memory seems like it just happened, and the cycle continues.
One of the most unexpected things for me to deal with so far, is the awkwardness of it all. Most people really don't know what to say. I get that. As awkward as it may be for someone that knows my situation, I now dread talking to people I either haven't seen in a long time, or when meeting new people. They have no idea what is going on in my life, no idea what happened, so they inadvertently ask questions, and uncomfortable and awkward is the answer.
For the most part we are moved into our new house. I have tried my best to make it a home, and I hope Pat would be proud. I bought an older trailer, and while it's not glitz and glamour, it'll do for now. With the help of a few good friends and the support of family, we pretty much completely remodeled the inside. Before we started it was all depressing, brown paneling, and dirty dingy carpet. Now all the walls are bright white, and there is fresh new clean carpet for the kids to play on. I painted one wall in the living room, black and red, with white trim. It was my dedication to my husband. Our wedding colors were red and white. Last year, a couple of months after we got married, Pat got one of our wedding pictures framed. I was working at Hobby Lobby at the time. He would come in almost every day to see me, or bring me a coffee, and chat with some of my co-workers. He developed relationships with some of them over time. Without me finding out about it, he had our custom frame shop frame one of our wedding pictures. Even though I was clueless, almost all my co-workers knew. I'll never forget the day I found out. By this time I was the head of the scrapbooking department. His ultimate plan was to come back to my department and surprise me with it, but his plans were foiled when I got called up to the front. We were busy, so I was called up to help at the registers. He was attempting to pay. Luckily, I was oblivious, and didn't even notice him in the other line. After he was finished, he got in my line. After the madness died down, I looked up and he was standing there with this large wrapped object. He walked forward, and said, "Excuse me miss, I need to pay for this," with that huge grin on his face. I unwrapped it, and tears came to my eyes. It was beautiful. He did an amazing job picking out the colors of the matting. All of my co-workers knew what was going on, so they all started cheering. It's a moment that to this day, brings tears of joy. This picture was my inspiration for my red and black wall. The picture was still in storage when I picked out the paint colors, so I know Pat was there with me, because the color is almost dead on. This house has been a lot of work, but it looks amazing compared to what it was when I first started. I hope he would be proud.
As nice as it is to have my own place again, my instincts were right when I thought it would be bittersweet. I am not supposed to be living here alone. He was supposed to be here, and we were supposed to be doing this together. Each box that I unpacked were full of memories. Even boxes full of dishes. You wouldn't think any tears would come from opening a box full of dishes, but they did. All I could think of is, "these were the dishes we ate off of in Oklahoma", and then my thoughts would go to, "We were JUST in Oklahoma." It was a struggle to get unpacked to say the least. I am mostly unpacked, but I will admit I have a few boxes to go. Some of it is Pat's stuff, but most of it I just don't know where to put it. Odds and Ends.
It was a little strange unpacking some of his belongings. I didn't know what to do with them. Most people after they lose a spouse, have to go back to the home they once shared. I think in that sense, I was blessed to not have to deal with that. I didn't have to go back to a home WE once shared and live in it ALONE. On the other hand, those people can just leave their spouses belongings, until they are ready to go through them. I wasn't ready to go through them, and I am still not ready. So there I was, hanging up his shirts. Folding his pants, and putting them in the drawer. Knowing he wasn't ever coming home, but I didn't want to just keep it in boxes. So I felt like I was pretending he was still here. It was a strange feeling.
One thing I wasn't prepared for was his scent going away. I knew it would happen sooner or later, but I never imagined it would happen so fast. I was dreading the day his coat stopped smelling like him, and that day has long passed. I now only have the cologne he wore often, but I have nothing left that actually still smells like HIM. I guess I assumed it would stick around for months. It faded around the two month mark.
Pat's birthday was on the 4th of June. It was a hard day. A group of close friends and family gathered to celebrate his life. I rented a helium tank, and got some black and silver balloons (he loved the Raiders). We all wrote messages to him, and the kids drew pictures. We put them inside the balloons, and at the end, we released them all to Heaven. It was a pretty cool thing to watch. I hope he enjoyed them.
The boys and I have visited his grave several times in the last (almost) five months. His parents have since, put up a nice headstone. It is supposed to be a temporary one, until I can come up with enough money to purchase a double headstone. It looks nice, and I think he would like it, but it is hard to see it there. It makes it all that much more permanent. I look down and see the dates, and I just shake my head in wonder. It just doesn't seem real. There is now grass growing where there once was dirt. Every time I go, the grass that grows hits me like a ton of bricks. "Wow, has it really been long enough for grass to be growing?"
For the most part my life has boiled down to nothing but dates and numbers. I dread the holidays. I dread all the "firsts" I have to go through alone. I had something to look forward to for a while, when I was buying my house. That's all done and over. Now it's back to reality.
To be completely honest, for the most part, I am doing ok these days. I am doing ok these days because I block everything out. I know it's probably not the best way to deal with grief, and one day I'm sure it'll sneak up on me. But for now, it's the only way I know how to get through each day. Don't get me wrong, I think about Pat every second of the day, but when it comes to FEELING anything, I try my best to not let it in. I will purposefully sidetrack my thoughts. For the most part, it works. There are still moments where I am overcome with sadness, and anger, and disbelief. Mostly disbelief. I still can't believe this has really happened. When I do think about things, my thoughts always boil down to...how is this possible? He was JUST here. We were JUST saying our vows. We were JUST in the hospital together, while he was going through chemotherapy. We were JUST leaving for Oklahoma. We were JUST in the hospital welcoming our new son into the world. We were JUST celebrating Christmas together. So if he was JUST here, then how is he all of the sudden gone? These thoughts travel my mind, and never settle. They get pushed away, but they always find their way back, and bounce around the walls of my mind. I will see a picture, and it will bring back a memory. That memory seems like it just happened, and the cycle continues.
One of the most unexpected things for me to deal with so far, is the awkwardness of it all. Most people really don't know what to say. I get that. As awkward as it may be for someone that knows my situation, I now dread talking to people I either haven't seen in a long time, or when meeting new people. They have no idea what is going on in my life, no idea what happened, so they inadvertently ask questions, and uncomfortable and awkward is the answer.
For the most part we are moved into our new house. I have tried my best to make it a home, and I hope Pat would be proud. I bought an older trailer, and while it's not glitz and glamour, it'll do for now. With the help of a few good friends and the support of family, we pretty much completely remodeled the inside. Before we started it was all depressing, brown paneling, and dirty dingy carpet. Now all the walls are bright white, and there is fresh new clean carpet for the kids to play on. I painted one wall in the living room, black and red, with white trim. It was my dedication to my husband. Our wedding colors were red and white. Last year, a couple of months after we got married, Pat got one of our wedding pictures framed. I was working at Hobby Lobby at the time. He would come in almost every day to see me, or bring me a coffee, and chat with some of my co-workers. He developed relationships with some of them over time. Without me finding out about it, he had our custom frame shop frame one of our wedding pictures. Even though I was clueless, almost all my co-workers knew. I'll never forget the day I found out. By this time I was the head of the scrapbooking department. His ultimate plan was to come back to my department and surprise me with it, but his plans were foiled when I got called up to the front. We were busy, so I was called up to help at the registers. He was attempting to pay. Luckily, I was oblivious, and didn't even notice him in the other line. After he was finished, he got in my line. After the madness died down, I looked up and he was standing there with this large wrapped object. He walked forward, and said, "Excuse me miss, I need to pay for this," with that huge grin on his face. I unwrapped it, and tears came to my eyes. It was beautiful. He did an amazing job picking out the colors of the matting. All of my co-workers knew what was going on, so they all started cheering. It's a moment that to this day, brings tears of joy. This picture was my inspiration for my red and black wall. The picture was still in storage when I picked out the paint colors, so I know Pat was there with me, because the color is almost dead on. This house has been a lot of work, but it looks amazing compared to what it was when I first started. I hope he would be proud.
As nice as it is to have my own place again, my instincts were right when I thought it would be bittersweet. I am not supposed to be living here alone. He was supposed to be here, and we were supposed to be doing this together. Each box that I unpacked were full of memories. Even boxes full of dishes. You wouldn't think any tears would come from opening a box full of dishes, but they did. All I could think of is, "these were the dishes we ate off of in Oklahoma", and then my thoughts would go to, "We were JUST in Oklahoma." It was a struggle to get unpacked to say the least. I am mostly unpacked, but I will admit I have a few boxes to go. Some of it is Pat's stuff, but most of it I just don't know where to put it. Odds and Ends.
It was a little strange unpacking some of his belongings. I didn't know what to do with them. Most people after they lose a spouse, have to go back to the home they once shared. I think in that sense, I was blessed to not have to deal with that. I didn't have to go back to a home WE once shared and live in it ALONE. On the other hand, those people can just leave their spouses belongings, until they are ready to go through them. I wasn't ready to go through them, and I am still not ready. So there I was, hanging up his shirts. Folding his pants, and putting them in the drawer. Knowing he wasn't ever coming home, but I didn't want to just keep it in boxes. So I felt like I was pretending he was still here. It was a strange feeling.
One thing I wasn't prepared for was his scent going away. I knew it would happen sooner or later, but I never imagined it would happen so fast. I was dreading the day his coat stopped smelling like him, and that day has long passed. I now only have the cologne he wore often, but I have nothing left that actually still smells like HIM. I guess I assumed it would stick around for months. It faded around the two month mark.
Pat's birthday was on the 4th of June. It was a hard day. A group of close friends and family gathered to celebrate his life. I rented a helium tank, and got some black and silver balloons (he loved the Raiders). We all wrote messages to him, and the kids drew pictures. We put them inside the balloons, and at the end, we released them all to Heaven. It was a pretty cool thing to watch. I hope he enjoyed them.
The boys and I have visited his grave several times in the last (almost) five months. His parents have since, put up a nice headstone. It is supposed to be a temporary one, until I can come up with enough money to purchase a double headstone. It looks nice, and I think he would like it, but it is hard to see it there. It makes it all that much more permanent. I look down and see the dates, and I just shake my head in wonder. It just doesn't seem real. There is now grass growing where there once was dirt. Every time I go, the grass that grows hits me like a ton of bricks. "Wow, has it really been long enough for grass to be growing?"
For the most part my life has boiled down to nothing but dates and numbers. I dread the holidays. I dread all the "firsts" I have to go through alone. I had something to look forward to for a while, when I was buying my house. That's all done and over. Now it's back to reality.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Another sleepless night........
Well it's another sleepless night, but I'm not in Seattle. I am stuck in this nightmare that everyone else calls reality. In the early days and even weeks, I didn't have too many problems sleeping. It seems these days it eludes me on a nightly basis. I toss and turn for hours. My body is physically exhausted, yet I cannot seem to fall asleep. My mind reels with all the 'what ifs' and 'whys'. I can't get it to shut off. So Instead, I stay up, keeping myself occupied, until my eyes will hardly stay open.
Lately, I have been really caught up in thinking about the night before Pat passed away. He had been in and out of it so much in the days leading up to his death. He was on high amounts of narcotics, for the immense amount of pain he was in. They somewhat sedated him. I was not getting much sleep. I was so afraid that he would pass away while I was sleeping, so I stretched myself pretty thin. The night before he passed away, I stayed up until about four or four thirty in the morning. I cuddled with him for a good forty five minutes that night. I am so grateful for that. There is one thing that I can't seem to shake from my thoughts. After I laid down, and just started to doze off, he awoke, almost in a panic, looking for his urinal. I got up, somewhat irritated, and found it for him. I was half asleep, and frustrated that I had to get up, because I was exhausted. That was the last time I saw him coherent. By the time the doctor came in at seven, he was no longer responsive. So here I sit. Constantly kicking myself, because had I known, I would have gotten back in bed with him. I would have held his hand, and told him I loved him just one more time. I would have kissed his forehead. I would have tried to talk to him. I would have looked into his eyes, that smiled, even when his mouth didn't. Instead, I laid back down on the couch, and went to sleep. When I awoke a few short hours later, I thought I was stuck in a nightmare. It just couldn't be real.
It still doesn't seem real. It's been almost two months, yet I still feel like he could walk through the door at any moment. Every time I really start to think about things, it hits me like a brick wall all over again. I have an image ingrained in my mind, of the last breath he took, and it all becomes so real again. I picture him in the coffin, and while he looks so peaceful, it also makes me realize how final it is. I look at the few pictures I have with me, and I realize that's all I have left. Memories, and pictures. My best friend is no longer standing by my side.
Lately, I have been really caught up in thinking about the night before Pat passed away. He had been in and out of it so much in the days leading up to his death. He was on high amounts of narcotics, for the immense amount of pain he was in. They somewhat sedated him. I was not getting much sleep. I was so afraid that he would pass away while I was sleeping, so I stretched myself pretty thin. The night before he passed away, I stayed up until about four or four thirty in the morning. I cuddled with him for a good forty five minutes that night. I am so grateful for that. There is one thing that I can't seem to shake from my thoughts. After I laid down, and just started to doze off, he awoke, almost in a panic, looking for his urinal. I got up, somewhat irritated, and found it for him. I was half asleep, and frustrated that I had to get up, because I was exhausted. That was the last time I saw him coherent. By the time the doctor came in at seven, he was no longer responsive. So here I sit. Constantly kicking myself, because had I known, I would have gotten back in bed with him. I would have held his hand, and told him I loved him just one more time. I would have kissed his forehead. I would have tried to talk to him. I would have looked into his eyes, that smiled, even when his mouth didn't. Instead, I laid back down on the couch, and went to sleep. When I awoke a few short hours later, I thought I was stuck in a nightmare. It just couldn't be real.
It still doesn't seem real. It's been almost two months, yet I still feel like he could walk through the door at any moment. Every time I really start to think about things, it hits me like a brick wall all over again. I have an image ingrained in my mind, of the last breath he took, and it all becomes so real again. I picture him in the coffin, and while he looks so peaceful, it also makes me realize how final it is. I look at the few pictures I have with me, and I realize that's all I have left. Memories, and pictures. My best friend is no longer standing by my side.
Friday, April 1, 2011
I finally have some good news.......
I haven't posted since the night before our one year anniversary. It was a hard day to deal with. I went to the cemetery, with a dozen roses, to celebrate our anniversary. Not quite what I had in mind, when I thought about this day. A year ago, I envisioned a quiet getaway, just the two of us. Something romantic. Just time to spend with each other. Even a few months ago, my perspective had changed, yet I still envisioned us being with each other. Each others company was always enough for me. Yet it didn't quite play out that way. Instead I stared over his grave, adorned with roses, and other flowers. Just stared. And cried. And talked. And cried some more. I just still can't believe we didn't even get to make it a year married.
I am so thankful that I have some really great friends. They made my night full of laughter, and happiness. After I visited the cemetery, a few of us met at a friends house. We had dinner, and good conversation. Without them, I am sure I would have been a wreck. They made sure I smiled, and even laughed. I consider myself so lucky to have them all in my life at this point. I would just like to say thank you. You know who you are! I love you guys!
I know my husband is upstairs, in the presence of the Lord, helping to make things happen. It seems like it's been a long time coming, but I finally have some good news! I am so excited to announce that I finally have a place to call home! Such a huge relief, and a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. As you all know, I have been living in a hotel, since we came back home, in late January. A friend of mine's husband, is in the business of mobile home sales. They have been faithfully searching for a reasonable mobile, for the past several weeks. They have been such a huge blessing, and I am so thankful there are people out there who care as much as they do. In perfect timing, a mobile came in, and he gave me a great deal on it. It will be moved on Wednesday, and the utilities should be hooked up by Thursday. I will hopefully be moving in by next weekend.
Although I am so excited that I am purchasing my first home, it is also bittersweet at the same time. Pat and I were supposed to buy our first home, together. I am not supposed to be going through this process alone. Unfortunately, I am. Although I am excited to be able to get my belongings out of boxes, there are also memories packed away in those boxes. I am excited about going through all of my memories that are packed away, but at the same time, I know it will be a roller coaster of emotions. Not quite sure what to expect.
For the most part, I am looking forward to the moving process. I am looking forward to making my house, a home. It is nice to be able to look forward. I have dreaded so many days in the past month and a half. I dreaded Keegan's birthday, on the third of March, because Pat wasn't here with us to celebrate. I dreaded the 14th of March, because it was the one month mark. I dreaded St. Patrick's Day, because it was the first holiday without him, and also one of his favorites. I dreaded the 27th of March, because it would have been our one year anniversary. I know I will continue to dread many more days in the future, but for now, I am satisfied with looking forward to next week.
Overall my heart tonight, is singing songs of thanksgiving. I am thankful for all my friends, those near and far, who have stepped up to be there for me someway, somehow. I am thankful for some new found friendships, that have proved to be some of the best relationships I could have asked for. I am thankful for my family, who have stood by my side, for this entire process, knowing this process is going to be a life-long commitment. I am thankful for my children, because without them, it would be so easy to throw my hands up in the air, and just give up. They keep me going, everyday. Most of all, I am thankful that I serve an awesome God!
I am so thankful that I have some really great friends. They made my night full of laughter, and happiness. After I visited the cemetery, a few of us met at a friends house. We had dinner, and good conversation. Without them, I am sure I would have been a wreck. They made sure I smiled, and even laughed. I consider myself so lucky to have them all in my life at this point. I would just like to say thank you. You know who you are! I love you guys!
I know my husband is upstairs, in the presence of the Lord, helping to make things happen. It seems like it's been a long time coming, but I finally have some good news! I am so excited to announce that I finally have a place to call home! Such a huge relief, and a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. As you all know, I have been living in a hotel, since we came back home, in late January. A friend of mine's husband, is in the business of mobile home sales. They have been faithfully searching for a reasonable mobile, for the past several weeks. They have been such a huge blessing, and I am so thankful there are people out there who care as much as they do. In perfect timing, a mobile came in, and he gave me a great deal on it. It will be moved on Wednesday, and the utilities should be hooked up by Thursday. I will hopefully be moving in by next weekend.
Although I am so excited that I am purchasing my first home, it is also bittersweet at the same time. Pat and I were supposed to buy our first home, together. I am not supposed to be going through this process alone. Unfortunately, I am. Although I am excited to be able to get my belongings out of boxes, there are also memories packed away in those boxes. I am excited about going through all of my memories that are packed away, but at the same time, I know it will be a roller coaster of emotions. Not quite sure what to expect.
For the most part, I am looking forward to the moving process. I am looking forward to making my house, a home. It is nice to be able to look forward. I have dreaded so many days in the past month and a half. I dreaded Keegan's birthday, on the third of March, because Pat wasn't here with us to celebrate. I dreaded the 14th of March, because it was the one month mark. I dreaded St. Patrick's Day, because it was the first holiday without him, and also one of his favorites. I dreaded the 27th of March, because it would have been our one year anniversary. I know I will continue to dread many more days in the future, but for now, I am satisfied with looking forward to next week.
Overall my heart tonight, is singing songs of thanksgiving. I am thankful for all my friends, those near and far, who have stepped up to be there for me someway, somehow. I am thankful for some new found friendships, that have proved to be some of the best relationships I could have asked for. I am thankful for my family, who have stood by my side, for this entire process, knowing this process is going to be a life-long commitment. I am thankful for my children, because without them, it would be so easy to throw my hands up in the air, and just give up. They keep me going, everyday. Most of all, I am thankful that I serve an awesome God!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
A letter to my love...
Ugh, where do I even begin tonight? I am tired, but of course sleep eludes me tonight. More tonight than any other night before. Today is our one year anniversary, and my husband isn't even here to celebrate with me. As soon as the clock hit midnight, my heart sank.
Dear Pat,
Happy Anniversary, my love. I miss you so much, and today is going to be a hard day. It's only 3 and a half hours into it, and it's already hard. I just can't believe you aren't here to share this day with me. We were both so excited. Even though we may have not planned some special get away, it was going to be special, because we would be together. That's the only thing that mattered. But now you are gone, and here I sit at three o'clock in the morning, blogging instead. Alone.
I'm so scared to face my future. I don't even want to think about it, because you are no longer in it. It doesn't even make sense to me. I always imagined us growing old together. Watching our children grow up, and then our grandchildren. Now that dream has vanished into thin air. I have to face it on my own, and it scares me to death. You are supposed to be here, to tell me it's all going to be ok. Now you are gone, and things are far from ok.
I just want you back. I know you are now free of pain, but I selfishly want you back with me. Here. Knowing you are in a better place, doesn't make the pain inside my heart any less. It still aches terribly. I don't even know what to do with myself, now that you are gone. I wake up everyday, and have to pinch myself, hoping that I am just dreaming. Everyday, I still feel it. I'm living my own worst nightmare. This wasn't supposed to happen. You are still supposed to be here, by my side. The treatments were supposed to work, you were supposed to be ok.
I love you with all my heart. When I said those vows, a year ago today, I meant every word, with my whole heart. When I said, "til death do us part", I always meant, until MY death do us part, not yours! I never imagined this would be my life. We had so much in front of us, and we were just getting started. It's just not fair.
I miss your touch. I miss your kisses. I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss your jokes. I miss everything about you. Plain and simply put, I just miss you. Period.
You were my best friend. You were my rock. You were my everything. You are gone, and without you, I feel like I am falling apart. I feel completely empty on the inside. I feel like someone tore out my heart, and threw it against the wall. It's now shattered into a million pieces. Where do I even begin to try to put it together again? I lost the most important person in my life. I lost my love.
A year ago, today, I was the happiest woman in the world. It was the best day of my life. I married my best friend. We had our whole lives ahead of us. You looked so handsome. I felt like a princess. You were my prince. I will never forget that day. Ever. You kept a smile on your face all night long, even though you were in so much pain. You danced all night long, with your new wife, just to put a smile on her face. Now, a short year later, my smiles have faded, and my life is a wreck. I can't believe how much things have changed in only a year.
I want you to know that you had some pretty amazing friends. You would be so proud that a few people have really stepped up to make sure I am ok. You may have knew they would, but I never knew. I am blessed, and I know you are pulling strings up there. You are making sure your wife is always taken care of.
I know I'll see you again. And in your eyes, it may be soon. But it doesn't feel like soon to me. It feels like an eternity. I know you are watching down from up above. It's not enough for me. I want you back, here. I want to be able to touch you, and feel you.
You are missing out on our son's life. You were so proud the day he was born. You finally got your son. Yet now you can't even hold him, kiss him, enjoy him. It just seems so unfair. It absolutely breaks my heart that he will have no memories of you. He will grow up knowing who you are, but it's not the same.
Even though my heart is shattered, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I got to know the most amazing person in the world. I got to feel what true love is. If I could go back and change it, so that I wouldn't have to feel this pain, in a split second I could tell you, absolutely not! I would never give up what we shared. Not in a million years.
This day doesn't feel right without you in it. This life doesn't feel right without you in it. I will forever miss you. There will always be a piece of me missing, with you gone. You will never be forgotten, and you will always be on my mind. I love you more, my Valentine.
Love,
Your Wife,
Jen
Dear Pat,
Happy Anniversary, my love. I miss you so much, and today is going to be a hard day. It's only 3 and a half hours into it, and it's already hard. I just can't believe you aren't here to share this day with me. We were both so excited. Even though we may have not planned some special get away, it was going to be special, because we would be together. That's the only thing that mattered. But now you are gone, and here I sit at three o'clock in the morning, blogging instead. Alone.
I'm so scared to face my future. I don't even want to think about it, because you are no longer in it. It doesn't even make sense to me. I always imagined us growing old together. Watching our children grow up, and then our grandchildren. Now that dream has vanished into thin air. I have to face it on my own, and it scares me to death. You are supposed to be here, to tell me it's all going to be ok. Now you are gone, and things are far from ok.
I just want you back. I know you are now free of pain, but I selfishly want you back with me. Here. Knowing you are in a better place, doesn't make the pain inside my heart any less. It still aches terribly. I don't even know what to do with myself, now that you are gone. I wake up everyday, and have to pinch myself, hoping that I am just dreaming. Everyday, I still feel it. I'm living my own worst nightmare. This wasn't supposed to happen. You are still supposed to be here, by my side. The treatments were supposed to work, you were supposed to be ok.
I love you with all my heart. When I said those vows, a year ago today, I meant every word, with my whole heart. When I said, "til death do us part", I always meant, until MY death do us part, not yours! I never imagined this would be my life. We had so much in front of us, and we were just getting started. It's just not fair.
I miss your touch. I miss your kisses. I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss your jokes. I miss everything about you. Plain and simply put, I just miss you. Period.
You were my best friend. You were my rock. You were my everything. You are gone, and without you, I feel like I am falling apart. I feel completely empty on the inside. I feel like someone tore out my heart, and threw it against the wall. It's now shattered into a million pieces. Where do I even begin to try to put it together again? I lost the most important person in my life. I lost my love.
A year ago, today, I was the happiest woman in the world. It was the best day of my life. I married my best friend. We had our whole lives ahead of us. You looked so handsome. I felt like a princess. You were my prince. I will never forget that day. Ever. You kept a smile on your face all night long, even though you were in so much pain. You danced all night long, with your new wife, just to put a smile on her face. Now, a short year later, my smiles have faded, and my life is a wreck. I can't believe how much things have changed in only a year.
I want you to know that you had some pretty amazing friends. You would be so proud that a few people have really stepped up to make sure I am ok. You may have knew they would, but I never knew. I am blessed, and I know you are pulling strings up there. You are making sure your wife is always taken care of.
I know I'll see you again. And in your eyes, it may be soon. But it doesn't feel like soon to me. It feels like an eternity. I know you are watching down from up above. It's not enough for me. I want you back, here. I want to be able to touch you, and feel you.
You are missing out on our son's life. You were so proud the day he was born. You finally got your son. Yet now you can't even hold him, kiss him, enjoy him. It just seems so unfair. It absolutely breaks my heart that he will have no memories of you. He will grow up knowing who you are, but it's not the same.
Even though my heart is shattered, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I got to know the most amazing person in the world. I got to feel what true love is. If I could go back and change it, so that I wouldn't have to feel this pain, in a split second I could tell you, absolutely not! I would never give up what we shared. Not in a million years.
This day doesn't feel right without you in it. This life doesn't feel right without you in it. I will forever miss you. There will always be a piece of me missing, with you gone. You will never be forgotten, and you will always be on my mind. I love you more, my Valentine.
Love,
Your Wife,
Jen
March 27, 2010. Happiest Day of my Life.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
I just want some stability.....
Today I took Kayden back to the doctor, for a re-check of his head. Immediately after arriving at the clinic, my heart sank, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. The clinic is at the same hospital where Pat passed away. In fact it is directly across the parking lot from the room he passed away in. So my thoughts were stuck on that from the second we pulled into the parking lot. Actually that's a lie. I had been thinking about it from the second I woke up. Keegan has been there so many times, that as soon as we got out of the car, the first thing out of his mouth was, "Pat's with God? Not here?". Ugh. I thought someone kicked me in the stomach.
The reason we were there in the first place is, Kayden has a small indentation in the back of his scull. At his two month checkup, I had the doctor look at it. She asked me to bring him back in a month to check it again. It turns out it's nothing. She originally thought it was the soft spot on the back of the head, but after having another 'more experienced' doctor come and look at it, he said it was completely normal. He felt it, and said, "Well, I would assume his Dad probably has the same thing." He turns to me, "Have you felt your husband's head recently? Because he probably has the same thing." Gulp.
Our one year anniversary is coming up on Sunday. I don't think I have dreaded a day so much in my life. At one time I looked forward to this day, and I couldn't wait for it to come. Now I wish I could curl up under a rock, and not come out until Tuesday. I can't even begin to imagine how many different emotions I will feel on that day. I can't believe he is not here to share that day with me. We were both so excited, and although toward the end, we knew we may be celebrating in a hospital room, it didn't matter. We would be in the company of each other, and that's all that mattered. Now I don't even get that much.
A couple of days ago while I was on Facebook, I noticed a reminder. Usually there are reminders of people's birthdays that fall on that day. Well that day, I realized there must be a lot of people that forget their anniversaries, because a week before, I get a reminder that it's our anniversary on Sunday. Way to give me a heads up Facebook. Now, every time I log in, there is the reminder, staring me in the face. Like I don't already know and think about it every second.
I have really been stressing out these last couple of days about our living situation. We have to be out of this suite this weekend, and as of right now, I have no leads. A friend of mine was looking into financing a mobile for me, but I found out today that that may fall through. So I am kind of back to square one. I wanted to purchase a mobile for several reasons. First, I would really like to get into something that I will eventually own. It just makes no sense to me to rent something, and basically throw my money away. Mobiles are much cheaper than houses, so it would be a good starting point. Also, my credit score is terrible right now, so chances are, I wouldn't get financed, unless it was through a private company that was willing to give me a chance. I want to find a three bedroom, because I want my girls to be able to come stay with me on a consistent basis, and don't want them to have to sleep on the floor, or couch. Renting a three bedroom apartment is just out of my price range right now. The problem with buying a mobile home, is there are no used ones available. They are being snatched up like hot cakes. Chances are I will be forced to rent. At least for a while. I just hate the idea of moving into a place, only to turn around and pack everything back up again. I just want some stability. For me, and for my kids.
I do wish I had some motivation. I really have no motivation to do the simplest tasks. Even taking a shower has become such a chore. Going grocery shopping has become a daunting task. I just wish things could go back to how they used to be. I wish I could just wake up from this nightmare I call my life.
I stay up all hours of the night, mostly because I want to pass out as soon as I hit the pillow. I stay up until I can't keep my eyes open anymore, I guess I figure that way I won't have to cry myself to sleep. Although, many nights I still do anyway.
The reason we were there in the first place is, Kayden has a small indentation in the back of his scull. At his two month checkup, I had the doctor look at it. She asked me to bring him back in a month to check it again. It turns out it's nothing. She originally thought it was the soft spot on the back of the head, but after having another 'more experienced' doctor come and look at it, he said it was completely normal. He felt it, and said, "Well, I would assume his Dad probably has the same thing." He turns to me, "Have you felt your husband's head recently? Because he probably has the same thing." Gulp.
Our one year anniversary is coming up on Sunday. I don't think I have dreaded a day so much in my life. At one time I looked forward to this day, and I couldn't wait for it to come. Now I wish I could curl up under a rock, and not come out until Tuesday. I can't even begin to imagine how many different emotions I will feel on that day. I can't believe he is not here to share that day with me. We were both so excited, and although toward the end, we knew we may be celebrating in a hospital room, it didn't matter. We would be in the company of each other, and that's all that mattered. Now I don't even get that much.
A couple of days ago while I was on Facebook, I noticed a reminder. Usually there are reminders of people's birthdays that fall on that day. Well that day, I realized there must be a lot of people that forget their anniversaries, because a week before, I get a reminder that it's our anniversary on Sunday. Way to give me a heads up Facebook. Now, every time I log in, there is the reminder, staring me in the face. Like I don't already know and think about it every second.
I have really been stressing out these last couple of days about our living situation. We have to be out of this suite this weekend, and as of right now, I have no leads. A friend of mine was looking into financing a mobile for me, but I found out today that that may fall through. So I am kind of back to square one. I wanted to purchase a mobile for several reasons. First, I would really like to get into something that I will eventually own. It just makes no sense to me to rent something, and basically throw my money away. Mobiles are much cheaper than houses, so it would be a good starting point. Also, my credit score is terrible right now, so chances are, I wouldn't get financed, unless it was through a private company that was willing to give me a chance. I want to find a three bedroom, because I want my girls to be able to come stay with me on a consistent basis, and don't want them to have to sleep on the floor, or couch. Renting a three bedroom apartment is just out of my price range right now. The problem with buying a mobile home, is there are no used ones available. They are being snatched up like hot cakes. Chances are I will be forced to rent. At least for a while. I just hate the idea of moving into a place, only to turn around and pack everything back up again. I just want some stability. For me, and for my kids.
I do wish I had some motivation. I really have no motivation to do the simplest tasks. Even taking a shower has become such a chore. Going grocery shopping has become a daunting task. I just wish things could go back to how they used to be. I wish I could just wake up from this nightmare I call my life.
I stay up all hours of the night, mostly because I want to pass out as soon as I hit the pillow. I stay up until I can't keep my eyes open anymore, I guess I figure that way I won't have to cry myself to sleep. Although, many nights I still do anyway.
Monday, March 21, 2011
I still miss you.....
I've changed the presets in my truck
so those old songs don't sneak up
they still find me and remind me
yeah you come back that easy
try restaurants I've never been to
order new things off the menu
that I never tried cause you didn't like
two drinks in you were by my side
I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you
I still miss you baby
I never knew til you were gone
how many pages you were on
it never ends I keep turning
and line after line and you are there again
I dont know how to let you go
you are so deep down in my soul
I feel helpless so hopeless
its a door that never closes
no I don't know how to do this
I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah
I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah
I still miss you
I still miss you...... yeah.... yeah.....
.....Lyrics to a song called 'I still miss you' by Keith Anderson. Ring so true to my heart right now. It doesn't seem to matter what I do, I still miss him. I can try to keep busy, or do nothing at all. I still miss him. It doesn't seem like this will ever go away. They say it will get easier, but when? It seems so unattainable right now, so out of reach. I wish I could just hit the 'fast forward' button.
I think I am still in denial. I think I am still pretty numb. I think I am still in shock. When all that wears off, where will that leave me? I feel like I am already in the lowest of lows. It really can get lower from here? Scary thought.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Through the darkness....
Wow, I am kind of speechless tonight. I just checked the total views on the blog tonight, and it's over 10,000 now. I never in a million years thought that many people would be reading this. I originally started this blog, to keep people informed. Mostly friends, and family. I wanted to keep people updated on how Pat was doing. Originally I was trying to do that via facebook, but with the character limits, it was difficult, to say the least. I had been thinking about doing a blog for a while, but had no idea how to even start one. I was urged by a few friends and family to start one, with a way for people to donate to our cause. So I looked into it, and 'Pat's Journey' was born. I just want to thank everyone who is following, and sharing, my story, even when I feel like I have no story left. Through the darkness, I can see glimmers of light, and through that light, I still see God working. Please continue to share, because I already see this going places, I never dreamed it would.
I only have a couple pictures of Pat displayed in my hotel room. Most of the pictures I have are either in storage, or are not yet printed out. One of the pictures I have, was given as a gift, from Pat's brother, and sister-in-law. It is a picture that was taken of the two of us, and his oldest daughter, Tasia, at his brother's wedding, which was only 2 weeks after our wedding. The other picture I have is one of the last pictures taken of Pat, before he passed away. I look at these pictures every day. I can't help but notice how sick he actually looked in the latter picture. I knew he lost a lot of weight, and was weak, among other things, but I never really noticed how sick he looked, when I was in his presence. I look at the picture, and don't remember him looking that bad. I guess maybe it was easy to see past that, when he was smiling all the time. His smile overpowered everything else. Man I sure do miss that smile.
In the weeks leading up to his death, I posted a few songs on the blog. One was dedicated to him, because it was the first song we danced to, as a married couple. There was a song by Rascal Flatts, called 'I Won't Let Go', that I also posted. When I posted it, it was a song that fit what my heart was singing. The main chorus is as follows:
Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go
Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I wont let go
Wont let you go
No I wont
I listened to this song again the other night. It was strange because as I was listening to it, the direction of the meaning to me, completely shifted. It now feels like he is singing it to me. Somewhat comforting.
So like I have mentioned before, my mind is so off track these days. I have thoughts spinning in my head all day long, my mind is never at ease. Yet when I go to write, they usually seem to vanish. So honestly, I have been literally 'taking notes', just to keep my mind on track.
As I mentioned in a previous post, I did change Pat's name on his facebook page. I have been thinking about changing other things as well. I think it would be nice to change the picture on his profile as well, to something that memorializes him in some way. As it stands right now, it is a picture he got off the web, that says, 'toast to the fam'. I would rather have it be a picture of him on there, with his bright smile. I just have been having a really hard time actually doing it. I can think about it all day long, but when it comes down to actually doing it, I don't have the heart. Part of me doesn't want to change it, because HE was the one who put it up there, and I don't want to take it down. I also know I need to update the blog in some ways, but again, I just don't have the heart to do it yet. It just brings it all back into the realm of reality again. I would much rather live in a fantasy world, where he is still here.
Speaking of facebook, I was browsing the other day. I can't remember exactly what I was looking at, but on the sidebar there was a new 'advertisement' that I had never noticed before. It said, 'Memorable Status Updates'. Who's status update was broadcast? Yup, you guessed it right. None other than my husband's. It kind of took my breath away, but was also nice to see something HE had actually posted.
I finally had to force myself to go back to the funeral home to pick up the death 'certificates'. I had been putting it off for weeks. I didn't want to see them. I knew it would make things, that much more real. That much more final. In order to file my taxes, I needed them. So I gained enough courage, and went to pick them up a few days ago. The strangest thing happened when we pulled into the parking lot. Let me back up a little. My oldest son, Keegan, has the most amazing memory. He is a very visual little boy. I think he overcompensates in some areas, because he was born with a mild hearing loss. I had only been to the funeral home two times, before I went to get the death certificates. My mom watched the boys on both occasions. The funeral was held at an alternative location. So I was a little shocked when we pulled into the parking lot, and Keegan said, "Mom, where's Pat?" I thought maybe it was just a coincidence (because he does ask about him often), but after telling him, "Remember, he's with God now, honey," he replied, "Pat's in there?" as he pointed toward the building. I didn't really even know how to respond. I don't know what was going through his mind, or what he saw that day to make him think that, but it was very strange, and completely caught me off guard. I am not sure if he noticed the sign, as we pulled in the parking lot, and remembered going to the funeral, or if it was something more than that. Either way, it kind of freaked me out a little.
I know people are, in some ways, afraid of me. I know death is kind of a taboo subject. I know people don't know how to approach me. I know people are afraid that something they say, will make me cry. I know people would just rather avoid me, than talk to me. And the ones that do talk to me, would rather avoid talking about Pat, than take the chance of making me cry. I just want to let everyone know, that first off, I am not a circus freak. I may be a little crazy at times, but you CAN talk to me. I also want to say that I would so much rather have people talk about Pat, than to just act like he never existed! Yes, it may make me cry, but I still want to hear your stories. You can't make me cry, the tears are already there, just under the surface. So please, don't try to shelter me, it only makes me more upset.
I only have a couple pictures of Pat displayed in my hotel room. Most of the pictures I have are either in storage, or are not yet printed out. One of the pictures I have, was given as a gift, from Pat's brother, and sister-in-law. It is a picture that was taken of the two of us, and his oldest daughter, Tasia, at his brother's wedding, which was only 2 weeks after our wedding. The other picture I have is one of the last pictures taken of Pat, before he passed away. I look at these pictures every day. I can't help but notice how sick he actually looked in the latter picture. I knew he lost a lot of weight, and was weak, among other things, but I never really noticed how sick he looked, when I was in his presence. I look at the picture, and don't remember him looking that bad. I guess maybe it was easy to see past that, when he was smiling all the time. His smile overpowered everything else. Man I sure do miss that smile.
In the weeks leading up to his death, I posted a few songs on the blog. One was dedicated to him, because it was the first song we danced to, as a married couple. There was a song by Rascal Flatts, called 'I Won't Let Go', that I also posted. When I posted it, it was a song that fit what my heart was singing. The main chorus is as follows:
Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go
Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I wont let go
Wont let you go
No I wont
I listened to this song again the other night. It was strange because as I was listening to it, the direction of the meaning to me, completely shifted. It now feels like he is singing it to me. Somewhat comforting.
So like I have mentioned before, my mind is so off track these days. I have thoughts spinning in my head all day long, my mind is never at ease. Yet when I go to write, they usually seem to vanish. So honestly, I have been literally 'taking notes', just to keep my mind on track.
As I mentioned in a previous post, I did change Pat's name on his facebook page. I have been thinking about changing other things as well. I think it would be nice to change the picture on his profile as well, to something that memorializes him in some way. As it stands right now, it is a picture he got off the web, that says, 'toast to the fam'. I would rather have it be a picture of him on there, with his bright smile. I just have been having a really hard time actually doing it. I can think about it all day long, but when it comes down to actually doing it, I don't have the heart. Part of me doesn't want to change it, because HE was the one who put it up there, and I don't want to take it down. I also know I need to update the blog in some ways, but again, I just don't have the heart to do it yet. It just brings it all back into the realm of reality again. I would much rather live in a fantasy world, where he is still here.
Speaking of facebook, I was browsing the other day. I can't remember exactly what I was looking at, but on the sidebar there was a new 'advertisement' that I had never noticed before. It said, 'Memorable Status Updates'. Who's status update was broadcast? Yup, you guessed it right. None other than my husband's. It kind of took my breath away, but was also nice to see something HE had actually posted.
I finally had to force myself to go back to the funeral home to pick up the death 'certificates'. I had been putting it off for weeks. I didn't want to see them. I knew it would make things, that much more real. That much more final. In order to file my taxes, I needed them. So I gained enough courage, and went to pick them up a few days ago. The strangest thing happened when we pulled into the parking lot. Let me back up a little. My oldest son, Keegan, has the most amazing memory. He is a very visual little boy. I think he overcompensates in some areas, because he was born with a mild hearing loss. I had only been to the funeral home two times, before I went to get the death certificates. My mom watched the boys on both occasions. The funeral was held at an alternative location. So I was a little shocked when we pulled into the parking lot, and Keegan said, "Mom, where's Pat?" I thought maybe it was just a coincidence (because he does ask about him often), but after telling him, "Remember, he's with God now, honey," he replied, "Pat's in there?" as he pointed toward the building. I didn't really even know how to respond. I don't know what was going through his mind, or what he saw that day to make him think that, but it was very strange, and completely caught me off guard. I am not sure if he noticed the sign, as we pulled in the parking lot, and remembered going to the funeral, or if it was something more than that. Either way, it kind of freaked me out a little.
I know people are, in some ways, afraid of me. I know death is kind of a taboo subject. I know people don't know how to approach me. I know people are afraid that something they say, will make me cry. I know people would just rather avoid me, than talk to me. And the ones that do talk to me, would rather avoid talking about Pat, than take the chance of making me cry. I just want to let everyone know, that first off, I am not a circus freak. I may be a little crazy at times, but you CAN talk to me. I also want to say that I would so much rather have people talk about Pat, than to just act like he never existed! Yes, it may make me cry, but I still want to hear your stories. You can't make me cry, the tears are already there, just under the surface. So please, don't try to shelter me, it only makes me more upset.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
A change in the address book.....
Well I can say I am glad the 14th is finally over with. Forever, I will hate that number. 14.
I did go over to a friends house, and had a few good laughs. I think it was good to keep my mind off of things, but at the same time it was still hard.
I talked a little bit before about the 'new found' friendships I have encountered along the way, and they still seem to amaze me. I've read that your 'address book' changes a lot when you lose your spouse, and boy were they right! Not only have people started to thin out, but I also gained some new friends, that I never expected to.
I want to talk a little about a couple of these 'new friends'. First I'd like to introduce you to E and T. They are a married couple, who we were friends with before Pat passed away. Pat knew them before I did, and we all hung out a couple of times. They came and showed their support, at both of the dinners we had. We kept in contact, mainly through facebook, and although we weren't super close, Pat and I both knew, we could count on them for anything. Two nights before Pat passed away, I knew he was getting closer and closer, and I knew it was also T's birthday party. I was a little conflicted, because I didn't want to ruin the party, but I also didn't want to call too late. I decided to call. They both came up to the hospital, that night, no questions asked. After Pat passed away, I immediately (ok, maybe not immediately, because honestly, I probably didn't think about any of this stuff until I was forced to) thought of E, to be one of the Pall Bearers. He graciously accepted. These two people have really made an effort to be here for me. T calls or texts me all the time, just to see how I am. Most of the time, I am a wreck, but she always tries to make me smile. They both have awesome senses of humor, and make me laugh so hard sometimes, that my gut literally hurts. The more I get to know both of them, the more I cherish the friendships we have formed. I love these two.
Next I would like to introduce, A and C. They too, are a married couple, who were friends with Pat, before I was in his life. And like E and T, they weren't super close friends. C and Pat would talk occasionally, mostly through text messages I believe. C is a musician, and Pat found a lot of comfort and strength in listening to his music. In fact, Pat requested that one of C's songs, be played at his funeral. In the last months of my husband's life, he listened to that CD over and over again. He would play it mostly in the car, and now I know that CD almost inside and out. Even when we got back to Billings, he would lay in the bed, at the hotel, and play the CD on the mini DVD player, and just listen to it over and over. Especially the song he wanted played at his funeral. I knew Pat and C were never best friends, but because he found so much hope, or comfort, or whatever it was he found in that music, I thought it was fitting to also ask C to be a Pall Bearer. He also graciously accepted.
I had only been introduced to A and C once. It was about 2 years ago, at the fair. I think we talked to them for maybe a minute or two, and both went our separate ways. Still hardly knowing me, they have both welcomed me into their home, with open arms. I cherish the friendship I have formed with A, and the more I learn about her, the more I feel connected. She also makes me laugh whenever given the opportunity. I love these two as well.
I now find myself, listening to that CD over and over again, because it makes me feel closer to Pat. It also brings back memories, sometimes that's a good thing, and other times it can cause me to break down.
I didn't name names, because I wasn't sure if they wanted to be called out. Those of you that are close, probably know who I am referring to. E and T, and A and C, you know who you are, and I want you to know that I love you guys, and thank you for everything you have done, and are doing. Thank you for being there, I want you to know I truly appreciate it. Thank you for all the laughs. Even though I feel like I am going through hell on earth, you guys still manage to get a giggle out of me, and I appreciate it. I also know Pat would be proud to call you all his friends. He would also be proud that you guys are trying so hard to take care of his wife.
I want to thank everyone who has shown me support in the last few weeks. While I may not have mentioned you specifically tonight, please don't think it's because you aren't important to me. My memory is crazy these days. I was going to call out some other people, but the more I thought about it, I figured somewhere in the mix, I would inevitably forget someone. Then that someone would feel left out, and hurt. So I am not going to do that. The people mentioned above, were on my heart tonight, and that's why I wrote about them. So like I said, please don't take offense, or think I don't notice the efforts, because I most definitely do. Thank you.
Here is a fear I have had on my mind recently. I know people go back to their normal lives, after something like this happens. I get it. I will be stuck here, trying to figure out what normal is. I have read, like I mentioned above, that my 'address book' will change. I will find friends that I didn't know I had, and I will get rid of ones that I thought would be there. I have already noticed some that have slightly fallen away. I expected that. I know people are busy with their own lives. Here's what I am afraid of though. It's all still pretty new, it's only been a month. People realize that, and are really putting the effort into being here for me. What will it be like at the 3 month mark? How many will stick around? How many will go back to their normal lives, and forget about my abnormal one? What about at 6 months? This has been something that has been bothering me for the last week or so. I just hope everyone doesn't disappear, or at least all at once.
I had to snicker to myself a little bit, after re-reading that paragraph. I know there will be a small handful of people that will be calling me tomorrow, wondering if they are going to be 'blacklisted' from my 'address book'. And when they do, at least I can smile, and know they still care.
St. Patrick's Day is coming up, and I am dreading it. It was one of Pat's favorite holidays. He loved corned beef and cabbage. Two years ago, on St. Patrick's Day, I asked him to test drive a car for me. It was a manual transmission, and I didn't know how to drive one. He drove it off the lot, and we took it to a quiet neighborhood, where he proceeded to try to teach me how to drive it. I think we both laughed so hard that our stomachs hurt afterword. I ended up purchasing the car, and we went to a concert together later that night. We didn't have time between buying the car, and seeing the concert, to get him some corned beef and cabbage, and he never let me live that down! At least this year, he did get some corned beef and cabbage. One of his closest childhood friends, brought him a plate, right before he went into the hospital. It still breaks my heart, he won't be here to celebrate one of his favorite holidays.
As I was typing that last paragraph, it dawned on me, I think I will dread every holiday from here on out. He will no longer be here with me, to celebrate them. How long will this feel so unbearable?
I really do hate how my mind works now a days. I am a complete scatterbrain. Before I can type the words, they vanish from my thoughts. Yet in a split second a simple spark will set my mind on fire, and I remember something about him, or us, and the memories come flooding back like they happened yesterday.
I hate how my whole world has been turned upside down, and I am now more sensitive to things that wouldn't have bothered me before. Everything reminds me of him, and of the life I once had. I can't even watch cartoons anymore. Even on the cartoons widowhood and death is portrayed, and it just reminds me once again, that he is gone. Everywhere I look, I see couples. I see normal people, living normal lives. I see normal families, and it hurts, because I know I will never have that again. At least not the way I want it. Even as much as I cherish these new friendships I mentioned, it is still hard at the same time. They have what I don't anymore. Each other.
I did go over to a friends house, and had a few good laughs. I think it was good to keep my mind off of things, but at the same time it was still hard.
I talked a little bit before about the 'new found' friendships I have encountered along the way, and they still seem to amaze me. I've read that your 'address book' changes a lot when you lose your spouse, and boy were they right! Not only have people started to thin out, but I also gained some new friends, that I never expected to.
I want to talk a little about a couple of these 'new friends'. First I'd like to introduce you to E and T. They are a married couple, who we were friends with before Pat passed away. Pat knew them before I did, and we all hung out a couple of times. They came and showed their support, at both of the dinners we had. We kept in contact, mainly through facebook, and although we weren't super close, Pat and I both knew, we could count on them for anything. Two nights before Pat passed away, I knew he was getting closer and closer, and I knew it was also T's birthday party. I was a little conflicted, because I didn't want to ruin the party, but I also didn't want to call too late. I decided to call. They both came up to the hospital, that night, no questions asked. After Pat passed away, I immediately (ok, maybe not immediately, because honestly, I probably didn't think about any of this stuff until I was forced to) thought of E, to be one of the Pall Bearers. He graciously accepted. These two people have really made an effort to be here for me. T calls or texts me all the time, just to see how I am. Most of the time, I am a wreck, but she always tries to make me smile. They both have awesome senses of humor, and make me laugh so hard sometimes, that my gut literally hurts. The more I get to know both of them, the more I cherish the friendships we have formed. I love these two.
Next I would like to introduce, A and C. They too, are a married couple, who were friends with Pat, before I was in his life. And like E and T, they weren't super close friends. C and Pat would talk occasionally, mostly through text messages I believe. C is a musician, and Pat found a lot of comfort and strength in listening to his music. In fact, Pat requested that one of C's songs, be played at his funeral. In the last months of my husband's life, he listened to that CD over and over again. He would play it mostly in the car, and now I know that CD almost inside and out. Even when we got back to Billings, he would lay in the bed, at the hotel, and play the CD on the mini DVD player, and just listen to it over and over. Especially the song he wanted played at his funeral. I knew Pat and C were never best friends, but because he found so much hope, or comfort, or whatever it was he found in that music, I thought it was fitting to also ask C to be a Pall Bearer. He also graciously accepted.
I had only been introduced to A and C once. It was about 2 years ago, at the fair. I think we talked to them for maybe a minute or two, and both went our separate ways. Still hardly knowing me, they have both welcomed me into their home, with open arms. I cherish the friendship I have formed with A, and the more I learn about her, the more I feel connected. She also makes me laugh whenever given the opportunity. I love these two as well.
I now find myself, listening to that CD over and over again, because it makes me feel closer to Pat. It also brings back memories, sometimes that's a good thing, and other times it can cause me to break down.
I didn't name names, because I wasn't sure if they wanted to be called out. Those of you that are close, probably know who I am referring to. E and T, and A and C, you know who you are, and I want you to know that I love you guys, and thank you for everything you have done, and are doing. Thank you for being there, I want you to know I truly appreciate it. Thank you for all the laughs. Even though I feel like I am going through hell on earth, you guys still manage to get a giggle out of me, and I appreciate it. I also know Pat would be proud to call you all his friends. He would also be proud that you guys are trying so hard to take care of his wife.
I want to thank everyone who has shown me support in the last few weeks. While I may not have mentioned you specifically tonight, please don't think it's because you aren't important to me. My memory is crazy these days. I was going to call out some other people, but the more I thought about it, I figured somewhere in the mix, I would inevitably forget someone. Then that someone would feel left out, and hurt. So I am not going to do that. The people mentioned above, were on my heart tonight, and that's why I wrote about them. So like I said, please don't take offense, or think I don't notice the efforts, because I most definitely do. Thank you.
Here is a fear I have had on my mind recently. I know people go back to their normal lives, after something like this happens. I get it. I will be stuck here, trying to figure out what normal is. I have read, like I mentioned above, that my 'address book' will change. I will find friends that I didn't know I had, and I will get rid of ones that I thought would be there. I have already noticed some that have slightly fallen away. I expected that. I know people are busy with their own lives. Here's what I am afraid of though. It's all still pretty new, it's only been a month. People realize that, and are really putting the effort into being here for me. What will it be like at the 3 month mark? How many will stick around? How many will go back to their normal lives, and forget about my abnormal one? What about at 6 months? This has been something that has been bothering me for the last week or so. I just hope everyone doesn't disappear, or at least all at once.
I had to snicker to myself a little bit, after re-reading that paragraph. I know there will be a small handful of people that will be calling me tomorrow, wondering if they are going to be 'blacklisted' from my 'address book'. And when they do, at least I can smile, and know they still care.
St. Patrick's Day is coming up, and I am dreading it. It was one of Pat's favorite holidays. He loved corned beef and cabbage. Two years ago, on St. Patrick's Day, I asked him to test drive a car for me. It was a manual transmission, and I didn't know how to drive one. He drove it off the lot, and we took it to a quiet neighborhood, where he proceeded to try to teach me how to drive it. I think we both laughed so hard that our stomachs hurt afterword. I ended up purchasing the car, and we went to a concert together later that night. We didn't have time between buying the car, and seeing the concert, to get him some corned beef and cabbage, and he never let me live that down! At least this year, he did get some corned beef and cabbage. One of his closest childhood friends, brought him a plate, right before he went into the hospital. It still breaks my heart, he won't be here to celebrate one of his favorite holidays.
As I was typing that last paragraph, it dawned on me, I think I will dread every holiday from here on out. He will no longer be here with me, to celebrate them. How long will this feel so unbearable?
I really do hate how my mind works now a days. I am a complete scatterbrain. Before I can type the words, they vanish from my thoughts. Yet in a split second a simple spark will set my mind on fire, and I remember something about him, or us, and the memories come flooding back like they happened yesterday.
I hate how my whole world has been turned upside down, and I am now more sensitive to things that wouldn't have bothered me before. Everything reminds me of him, and of the life I once had. I can't even watch cartoons anymore. Even on the cartoons widowhood and death is portrayed, and it just reminds me once again, that he is gone. Everywhere I look, I see couples. I see normal people, living normal lives. I see normal families, and it hurts, because I know I will never have that again. At least not the way I want it. Even as much as I cherish these new friendships I mentioned, it is still hard at the same time. They have what I don't anymore. Each other.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Signs......
Well I should probably be in bed right now, but my mind is racing, so of course sleep is eluding me once again. Tomorrow it will be one month. One month, since I lost the love of my life. I hate this. I miss him more and more with each passing day, and most days, I don't know how to make it to the next. I have done nothing today but think about it. Well that's everyday, but today was even worse. Usually those 'special' dates, you celebrate. We celebrate birthdays. We celebrate holidays. We celebrate anniversaries. But not these kind of anniversaries. Just thinking about it, gives me this huge knot in my stomach.
It's so strange, because on one hand, I miss him so much, that it seems like it's been longer than a month, in fact it seems more like an eternity. On the other hand, I can't believe he has been gone a month already. It seems like just yesterday, we were boarding planes to get back to Montana. It seems like just yesterday, we were talking and laughing with all of our friends and family at the 'get together dinner' we had. It seems like just yesterday, I was shuffling the kids back and forth between the hospital and the hotel. It seems like just yesterday, he was here.
Last night I was reading through some posts written by other young widows, when I came across the topic of 'signs'. They all shared some of the different signs their husbands/wives had sent them over the last few months, or years. Some of them were subtle, and some of them were very obvious. It made me think about all the signs that I have experienced over the past month, and I thought it would be fitting to share them.
The first one that happened occurred the night he passed away. My Mom was staying in the hotel with me, and my brother had brought her luggage in. He put it in the closet. In the hotel, there are little metal 'door stoppers' that hold the bedroom door open. Later that night, I went to prop the door open, and I could not find the metal door stopper. We moved all her suitcases from the closet, looked inside the closet, tore the hotel room apart, looking for that stupid door stopper. I looked everywhere. My mom looked everywhere, and we could not find it. We finally just asked the maid the next day, if we could have an extra one. It really was driving me crazy though, because we searched from top to bottom, and in the most unlikely places, to no avail. The other day, I went to prop open the door again, and as I looked down, there were TWO door stoppers. I about fell over. Where did it come from?! I called my Mom, and told her about it. She said when she was packing her things, she found it under one of her suitcases. But, we both, checked under both of her suitcases! I actually moved both of them out of the closet, when I looked. I will admit, I am not the most organized person, and I have a bad memory at times. Pat, on the other hand, had an excellent memory, and always knew where MY misplaced items were! So, I think it was him, just letting me know that he's still around. Letting me know, that once again HE found, what I was looking for.
The next sign I got, was only a few days after he passed. His Mom, Dad, little Sister, and I were driving to the funeral home, to meet with the funeral director. Let me back up a little in the day. Before we left, his Mom was showing me a bunch of old pictures they had dug up. Baby pictures, childhood pictures, and goofy Pat pictures. I enjoyed going through them, and seeing how much he changed over the years. So fast forward to the funeral home. As we were pulling in, there was a van pulling out of the parking lot. I glanced at the driver, and had to do a double take. It looked just like a younger Pat. It looked just like him, at about 20 years old. With his hair all gelled up, and an earring in his ear. I didn't say anything to his parents, because I figured they probably would think I was crazy, but hey, now everyone thinks I'm crazy, so I might as well let everyone in on it!
The next 'sign' I got, was a few days before the funeral. His Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister-in-law, and I, all went to Laurel to pick out a plot. On the way back, we were driving on the interstate, behind a pickup, hauling a horse trailer. We were all discussing food arrangements for the 'reception'. (Just a side note, I hate the word reception, used for this occasion. I know there really isn't anything else to call it, but really? A reception happens after you get married, not after someone's funeral. I realize it is supposed to be to 'celebrate' someone's life, rather than their death, but it's little things like this, that get to me now a days. Just like the word 'death certificate', really?! When I think of a certificate, I think of an accomplishment, and they usually are celebrated occasions. You have, a birth certificate, a marriage certificate, and then a death certificate. Just shouldn't go in the same category I don't think.) The topic of Pat's Mom's famous 'Jimmy Dean Roll-ups' comes up. They are basically tortillas, with cream cheese, and Jimmy Dean sausage rolled up, and cut into pin-wheels. They are delicious, and Pat absolutely loved them. At every get together, she always gets asked to make them. In fact, she made them for our wedding. So of course, she would be asked to make them for the "reception." She begins to tell us, that she doesn't really want to make that many, because she expects a lot of people to be there. We were in the middle of the conversation, when all of the sudden, bam! Horse poop covers the front windshield. I am convinced it was Pat, letting us know he was hearing what was going on, and wasn't very happy that there were not going to be any 'Jimmy Dean Roll-ups'.
The next sign I got was a day or two before the funeral. I went shopping to get something to wear to the services. I decided I was going to wear a Raider's Jersey, since it was his favorite team. I wanted to honor him. I went to Big Bear, and searched their racks. Being February, there wasn't much of a selection left. There were only two jerseys left. Number 20, and number 21. I looked at the backs of them, and really had no idea who either of the players were. Something told me to go with number 21. So I bought it. Back up a couple days. His mom went out and bought him a Raider's Jersey to be buried in. She showed it to me, but honestly I really didn't pay attention to what player's jersey it was. Even while I was shopping for mine, it didn't occur to me, to look for the same one. I didn't realize it was the same one until two nights before the funeral, I went in to see him, in a private visitation. It may sound silly, but I think it was him, who guided me to buy the same numbered jersey as the one he was wearing.
The next sign I got was the day we buried him. We all went to Golden Coral to eat, after the graveside services. Pat's little sister, came up to me after we all got seated, and with a 'I don't know what to think' look on her face, handed me a card she found on the table. It read, "Thank you- Pat." I am pretty sure we all were floored. It was like he was telling us all 'thank you' for the services. His sister, handed the card back to her Mom, and I hope she kept it.
The next sign I got was a couple of weeks ago. I had just gotten in bed. I always plug my phone in at night, and it was on the nightstand next to me. I was under the covers, just laying there, and had been for about 10 or 15 minutes. I was having kind of a hard night, and couldn't fall asleep. All of the sudden, my phone lit up. I looked over, assuming I had a text message, but nothing. The only time my phone lights up, is when I either have an incoming call, or get a text message. Back up to before Pat passed. As many of you already know, Pat loved to give me a hard time about my phone. I played the last video recorded of Pat, at the services. He was talking to his (then) unborn baby boy. Many of you got to see that video, but if you didn't, let me explain a little. As he is talking to Kayden, about how much he loves him, and how he can't wait to meet him, he is also giving me a hard time about being on the phone. He always loved to tease me, that it was my favorite thing in the world. He also recorded a few minutes of when I was in the hospital having Kayden, and again, he is giving me a hard time for being on the phone. So fast forward back to that night, I knew it was him again, trying to 'speak' to me, in a language he knew I would understand. Still giving me a hard time about my phone.
And the last sign I have encountered has actually happened a few times over the last few weeks. Last night, I was reading about these different signs that people were posting about. It was late, and I decided I should probably go to sleep. I went outside, to have a cigarette (gasp, I know) before I went to bed. I came back inside, and tried to lay down. Instead of sleeping, I started sobbing. I cried for about an hour. I went to go back outside to have another cigarette, because now I was stressed out again. As I reached to open the door, I noticed the deadbolt was locked. I didn't lock it on my way in. I have noticed this on a couple different occasions. Now, if this is freaking you out that I didn't lock the deadbolt, please remember we are still in a hotel, so it automatically locks from the outside, unless you have the key. I have been so used to staying here, that I don't ever lock the deadbolt. Pat was always reminding me to lock the doors, especially once we got to Oklahoma. So I am convinced it's him, just letting me know he is still here, to watch out for us.
Now I am sure some of you don't believe in signs. I am sure most of you think that I have surely lost my mind. Most of you probably don't think these are signs from Pat, and that they are just coincidences. That is fine. You are allowed to think that, just as I am allowed to think it is him, letting us all know he's still around. Sometimes when I think of all these signs, it is somewhat comforting to know he's still around. But mostly, I still just wish he was really here, in person. For now, the signs will have to do, until we are together again. So please, the only thing I ask, is that if you don't believe these are signs, and you think they are just coincidences, just keep it to yourself. Please don't take this away from me. It's all I have left.
Well, when I started typing it was the 13th. Now I am finished, and as I look down at the clock/calendar, my heart sinks into my stomach, which is now a rock hard pit. It is the dreaded 14th of the month. Ugh.
It's so strange, because on one hand, I miss him so much, that it seems like it's been longer than a month, in fact it seems more like an eternity. On the other hand, I can't believe he has been gone a month already. It seems like just yesterday, we were boarding planes to get back to Montana. It seems like just yesterday, we were talking and laughing with all of our friends and family at the 'get together dinner' we had. It seems like just yesterday, I was shuffling the kids back and forth between the hospital and the hotel. It seems like just yesterday, he was here.
Last night I was reading through some posts written by other young widows, when I came across the topic of 'signs'. They all shared some of the different signs their husbands/wives had sent them over the last few months, or years. Some of them were subtle, and some of them were very obvious. It made me think about all the signs that I have experienced over the past month, and I thought it would be fitting to share them.
The first one that happened occurred the night he passed away. My Mom was staying in the hotel with me, and my brother had brought her luggage in. He put it in the closet. In the hotel, there are little metal 'door stoppers' that hold the bedroom door open. Later that night, I went to prop the door open, and I could not find the metal door stopper. We moved all her suitcases from the closet, looked inside the closet, tore the hotel room apart, looking for that stupid door stopper. I looked everywhere. My mom looked everywhere, and we could not find it. We finally just asked the maid the next day, if we could have an extra one. It really was driving me crazy though, because we searched from top to bottom, and in the most unlikely places, to no avail. The other day, I went to prop open the door again, and as I looked down, there were TWO door stoppers. I about fell over. Where did it come from?! I called my Mom, and told her about it. She said when she was packing her things, she found it under one of her suitcases. But, we both, checked under both of her suitcases! I actually moved both of them out of the closet, when I looked. I will admit, I am not the most organized person, and I have a bad memory at times. Pat, on the other hand, had an excellent memory, and always knew where MY misplaced items were! So, I think it was him, just letting me know that he's still around. Letting me know, that once again HE found, what I was looking for.
The next sign I got, was only a few days after he passed. His Mom, Dad, little Sister, and I were driving to the funeral home, to meet with the funeral director. Let me back up a little in the day. Before we left, his Mom was showing me a bunch of old pictures they had dug up. Baby pictures, childhood pictures, and goofy Pat pictures. I enjoyed going through them, and seeing how much he changed over the years. So fast forward to the funeral home. As we were pulling in, there was a van pulling out of the parking lot. I glanced at the driver, and had to do a double take. It looked just like a younger Pat. It looked just like him, at about 20 years old. With his hair all gelled up, and an earring in his ear. I didn't say anything to his parents, because I figured they probably would think I was crazy, but hey, now everyone thinks I'm crazy, so I might as well let everyone in on it!
The next 'sign' I got, was a few days before the funeral. His Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister-in-law, and I, all went to Laurel to pick out a plot. On the way back, we were driving on the interstate, behind a pickup, hauling a horse trailer. We were all discussing food arrangements for the 'reception'. (Just a side note, I hate the word reception, used for this occasion. I know there really isn't anything else to call it, but really? A reception happens after you get married, not after someone's funeral. I realize it is supposed to be to 'celebrate' someone's life, rather than their death, but it's little things like this, that get to me now a days. Just like the word 'death certificate', really?! When I think of a certificate, I think of an accomplishment, and they usually are celebrated occasions. You have, a birth certificate, a marriage certificate, and then a death certificate. Just shouldn't go in the same category I don't think.) The topic of Pat's Mom's famous 'Jimmy Dean Roll-ups' comes up. They are basically tortillas, with cream cheese, and Jimmy Dean sausage rolled up, and cut into pin-wheels. They are delicious, and Pat absolutely loved them. At every get together, she always gets asked to make them. In fact, she made them for our wedding. So of course, she would be asked to make them for the "reception." She begins to tell us, that she doesn't really want to make that many, because she expects a lot of people to be there. We were in the middle of the conversation, when all of the sudden, bam! Horse poop covers the front windshield. I am convinced it was Pat, letting us know he was hearing what was going on, and wasn't very happy that there were not going to be any 'Jimmy Dean Roll-ups'.
The next sign I got was a day or two before the funeral. I went shopping to get something to wear to the services. I decided I was going to wear a Raider's Jersey, since it was his favorite team. I wanted to honor him. I went to Big Bear, and searched their racks. Being February, there wasn't much of a selection left. There were only two jerseys left. Number 20, and number 21. I looked at the backs of them, and really had no idea who either of the players were. Something told me to go with number 21. So I bought it. Back up a couple days. His mom went out and bought him a Raider's Jersey to be buried in. She showed it to me, but honestly I really didn't pay attention to what player's jersey it was. Even while I was shopping for mine, it didn't occur to me, to look for the same one. I didn't realize it was the same one until two nights before the funeral, I went in to see him, in a private visitation. It may sound silly, but I think it was him, who guided me to buy the same numbered jersey as the one he was wearing.
The next sign I got was the day we buried him. We all went to Golden Coral to eat, after the graveside services. Pat's little sister, came up to me after we all got seated, and with a 'I don't know what to think' look on her face, handed me a card she found on the table. It read, "Thank you- Pat." I am pretty sure we all were floored. It was like he was telling us all 'thank you' for the services. His sister, handed the card back to her Mom, and I hope she kept it.
The next sign I got was a couple of weeks ago. I had just gotten in bed. I always plug my phone in at night, and it was on the nightstand next to me. I was under the covers, just laying there, and had been for about 10 or 15 minutes. I was having kind of a hard night, and couldn't fall asleep. All of the sudden, my phone lit up. I looked over, assuming I had a text message, but nothing. The only time my phone lights up, is when I either have an incoming call, or get a text message. Back up to before Pat passed. As many of you already know, Pat loved to give me a hard time about my phone. I played the last video recorded of Pat, at the services. He was talking to his (then) unborn baby boy. Many of you got to see that video, but if you didn't, let me explain a little. As he is talking to Kayden, about how much he loves him, and how he can't wait to meet him, he is also giving me a hard time about being on the phone. He always loved to tease me, that it was my favorite thing in the world. He also recorded a few minutes of when I was in the hospital having Kayden, and again, he is giving me a hard time for being on the phone. So fast forward back to that night, I knew it was him again, trying to 'speak' to me, in a language he knew I would understand. Still giving me a hard time about my phone.
And the last sign I have encountered has actually happened a few times over the last few weeks. Last night, I was reading about these different signs that people were posting about. It was late, and I decided I should probably go to sleep. I went outside, to have a cigarette (gasp, I know) before I went to bed. I came back inside, and tried to lay down. Instead of sleeping, I started sobbing. I cried for about an hour. I went to go back outside to have another cigarette, because now I was stressed out again. As I reached to open the door, I noticed the deadbolt was locked. I didn't lock it on my way in. I have noticed this on a couple different occasions. Now, if this is freaking you out that I didn't lock the deadbolt, please remember we are still in a hotel, so it automatically locks from the outside, unless you have the key. I have been so used to staying here, that I don't ever lock the deadbolt. Pat was always reminding me to lock the doors, especially once we got to Oklahoma. So I am convinced it's him, just letting me know he is still here, to watch out for us.
Now I am sure some of you don't believe in signs. I am sure most of you think that I have surely lost my mind. Most of you probably don't think these are signs from Pat, and that they are just coincidences. That is fine. You are allowed to think that, just as I am allowed to think it is him, letting us all know he's still around. Sometimes when I think of all these signs, it is somewhat comforting to know he's still around. But mostly, I still just wish he was really here, in person. For now, the signs will have to do, until we are together again. So please, the only thing I ask, is that if you don't believe these are signs, and you think they are just coincidences, just keep it to yourself. Please don't take this away from me. It's all I have left.
Well, when I started typing it was the 13th. Now I am finished, and as I look down at the clock/calendar, my heart sinks into my stomach, which is now a rock hard pit. It is the dreaded 14th of the month. Ugh.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
A letter to my friends and family......
Today I have just felt worn out. Worn out physically, and worn out emotionally. I don't feel like I can take much more of it all. I know I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, for my boys' sake, but man it is a hard thing to do. I just want to sleep it all away.
Yesterday was a little bit of a bittersweet day. We got some pictures taken. I wanted to get some taken before Kayden wasn't a little baby anymore. They grow up so dang fast. So I called the girls' moms, and had all of the kids together for a fun little photo shoot. The kids all had fun, and I hope the pictures turned out good. I should have them back in a week or so. While I am glad I got them done, it was hard at the same time. Pat was supposed to be here with us, taking pictures. Although we talked about it on numerous occasions, we never got the chance to get family pictures taken, with all of the kids included. The only pictures we have of all of us together, are from the dinner we had right before he passed away. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that we at least have that, but it's disappointing because we wanted to do 'real' family pictures together. We just never got the chance. It sucks.
Speaking of pictures, I don't think I mentioned that I took the computer, that crashed, into Best Buy. Unfortunately they were unable to transfer the files to my new computer. I am pretty upset about it, because as I said before, all of my pictures of Pat were on there. Some of them are replaceable. Most of them are not. Our wedding pictures were on there, but I have a backup CD of those. All the pictures from Oklahoma were on there, but they are also on my phone. The ones that aren't replaceable were pictures taken on a trip to Seattle in 2009. Some of them I posted on Facebook, but I only posted a few of them on there. For instance, there were several pictures taken at certain locations, and I only posted the 'best' one out of the group. I also only posted pictures that had Pat in them, but we took pictures of the scenery, and pictures of Keegan and I, and those I did not post to Facebook. I think we had close to 1000 pictures of that trip. I am hoping that I backed up those pictures, to a CD, but I can't remember for sure, and I won't know until I go through all the boxes in storage, once I get my own place.
I hope I get in to a place soon. I feel like I can't even begin to move forward, even in baby steps, until I have my own place. I just want to be able to unpack all of those boxes, that are sitting in storage. Unpack all the memories. Yes, I know it will be hard at the same time, but I just want to touch all of his stuff. Touch it. Feel it. Smell it. Remember him.
I came across a couple of 'letters to family/friends' that I would like to share. They were not written by me, but basically cover what I am feeling. There were two different ones, and I couldn't decide between the two (imagine that!) so I am just going to share both of them.
How You Can Help Me
Please talk about my loved one, even though he is gone. It is more
comforting to cry than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk
about him, and I need to do it over and over.
Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get
comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know
when my tears may flow. Don't ever feel that you have made me cry.
The tears are always there and I appreciate the opportunity to shed them.
Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.
Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don't want to upset me. You
can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid
to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I
most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come
over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You
can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you
to know that."
Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I
feel only if you really have time to find out.
I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving
and that's different. My grieving may only begin 6 months after my loved
one's death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For I am not only
grieving his death, but also the person I was when I was with him,
the life that we shared, the plans we had for watching our children and
grandchildren grow, the places we will never get to go together, and
the hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has
crumbled and I will never be the same.
I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my
loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and
love into the rest of my life. He is a part of me and always will be,
and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a
tear. Both are okay.
I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has
happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just
not acceptable.
When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and
alone. I feel badly enough that my loved one is dead, so please don't
make it worse by telling me I'm not doing this right.
Please don't tell me I can find someone else or that I need to start dating
again. I'm not ready. And maybe I don't want to. And besides, what
makes you think people are replaceable? They aren't. Whoever (if anyone at all) comes
after will always be someone different.
I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get
on with your life." My life is going on, I've been forced to take on
many new responsibilities and roles. It may not look the way you think
it should. This will take time and I will never be my old self again. So
please, just love me as I am today, and know that with your love and
support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget
and there will always be times that I cry.
I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your
hugs. I need you just to be with me, and I need to be with you. I need
to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in
my own way, and in my own time.
Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you
because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could
do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you
some ideas:
(a) Bring food or a movie over to watch together.
(b) Send me a card on special holidays, his birthday, and the
anniversary of his death, and be sure to mention his name. You can't
make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the
opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to
reach out on this difficult day.
(c) Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I
may so no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me
because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given
up then I really will be alone.
(d) Understand how difficult it is for me to be surrounded by couples,
to walk into events alone, to go home alone, to feel out of place in the
same situations where I used to feel so comfortable.
Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely.
Remember I'm grieving. I may even be in shock. I am afraid. I may
feel deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm
experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before and one that can't
be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes.
Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to
slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please
don't tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with
my life. What I need now is time to grieve.
Most of all thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience.
Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. Thank
you for praying for me.
The second 'letter':
To My Friend
I have lost the one I love, the one I cherish. My lover, my best friend, my whole life.
Either you have stumbled across this because you want to find out how to help me,
or I have given this to you.
How I am Feeling
• I am numb. I am in shock. I am emotionally exhausted.
• I am in pain. A horrible, gut-wrenching, intense, unimaginable, and indescribable pain.
• My mind is totally occupied with processing my loss. I am trying to understand what has
happened. I am attempting to make sense of it all. I am trying to comprehend the incomprehensible.
• I can't sleep. I want to sleep all day. I am physically exhausted.
• I can't eat. I can't stop eating.
• I can't be bothered cooking. I can't be bothered cleaning. I don't want to go shopping.
• Everything is overwhelming. Small tasks are overwhelming. Small details are overwhelming.
I just don't want to know about it right now.
• Nothing sticks in my mind. I walk out the door without my keys. I forget what I was going to do.
I forget everything except that my love has gone.
• I am going through tidal waves of emotion. One minute I might be laughing, the next I may be
in tears.
• Sometimes I want to talk. Sometimes I need to be alone. Sometimes I need silent company.
Sometimes I need all of these things in the space of 5 minutes.
• Some days I just want to curl up in bed and do nothing. Some days I will keep myself totally
occupied in an attempt to escape.
• Sometimes I will be intense. Sometimes I will be irrational. Sometimes I will be snappy, and
often I will be totally lost in myself.
• Often I may not have a clue as to what I want, but it only takes a moment for me to realize
what I don't want.
• I am hypersensitive and will often be offended by things you say to try and make me feel better.
• I want to wail. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to just sit.
• I have no choice how I react. This is coming from deep inside me and intelligence and self
control have no effect. It comes from the basal self.
• Sometimes it so hard for me to respond to phone calls or letters or emails, but I truly appreciate
that you are doing it, so please don't stop just because I don't respond.
• I will not be fully-functional at work for a long time. In fact, I may never work with the same
intensity again as my perspectives of what is important and what isn't has been changed permanently.
• I still want to laugh. I need to laugh. I may suddenly go quiet mid-laugh, when hit by a sudden
reminder, but I desperately need to continue to laugh.
Emotional Things You Can Do
• Let me talk about him. I want to talk about our love. I want to tell you how we met, our last
days, and everything in between. I want to show you his picture, tell you how wonderful he was.
• Let me cry. Your acceptance that I need to cry and your permission to allow me to is one of the
best gifts you can give me. Hand me a tissue, and do your best to sit quietly and let me cry.
• Once you have allowed me to open up or cry, please don't change the subject or try to stop me.
I know you feel uncomfortable that I am in pain. Don't. Changing the subject, trying to stop me
crying just makes me hold everything inside, and eats away at me.
• Tell me all your stories of when my love was sweet, courageous, rotten or funny. I need to hear
everything about him. If you don't know many, find out some from those who are too scared to
approach me now.
• Let me try to tell you what is going on inside me. I won't succeed, but I need to try. You don't have
to do anything. Just allowing me to do it, and allowing me to feel what I need to feel means so much.
• It is really hard for me to tell other people about my loss. I'm working full time to deal with my
emotions. Trying to deal with someone else's reaction or discomfort is the last thing I need, so if
someone needs to know it would be good if you could explain it to them.
What Not To Do
• Don't tell me you understand how I feel, or that you can imagine the pain I am going through,
unless you have lost the love of your life. Trust me, you can't. If I can't, and I am going through it,
trust me, you can't – your mind will just not let you voluntarily imagine this much pain.
• Don't try to compare my loss to the loss of a parent, or a friend, or an acquaintance or pet, it's
not the same. I understand that all of these things are painful, but it is not the same.
• Don't ask how I'm doing unless you really want to know. I am assuming that as you know, and
as you have asked, you truly want to know.
• Don't try to save me from my feelings or make me feel better. I know you can't bear to see me
in so much pain, but I need to go through all of these feelings whether I want to or not.
• Once you have "given me permission" to talk or cry, please don't try and distract me with small
talk. I know it makes you feel better if I appear happy, but my pain is ever-present and it makes
me feel like you don't care.
• Don't ever tell me "you have to be strong". If ever there's a time I should be permitted to be weak,
this is it. What's more, if I only "need to talk" to you once every few weeks, chances are I have
been strong and right now I really need you to understand that I am exhausted and need help.
• Whatever you do don't tell me "If I were you I'd…." Until you are in the same situation, you
have absolutely no idea what you will do. Your logical brain has absolutely no control.
• Never try telling me "life goes on", or "he wouldn't want you to cry", or "God will never give
you more than you can handle" or any other meaningless platitudes.
• Don't try to solve my "problem". Unless you can bring him/her back, it can't be "solved".
• Don't feel the need to fill in silences. I know the silences are hard for you, but if you can accept
them, you are helping me immensely.
• Please don't try and help me find "closure", or tell me I need to find "closure". Closure is an
obscene word for me right now, as is "moving on"/"move on".
Practical Things You Can Do
I understand that a lot of you find it hard to cope with my emotional pain. Hate to see me
hurting so. If you can't help me emotionally, you can help me practically.
• Don't ask me what you can do to help. I have no idea, I am overwhelmed.
• Bring me some meals that I can just put in the microwave.
• Find out what sort of bread, milk, toilet paper, etc I use and bring me them to me. I have
no idea I need them until I run out, so don't bother asking me if I need anything.
• If you are an organized person offer to manage my bills. Collect the bills as they come in
and let me know when they need to be paid, and make sure I do. Time has no meaning for me
right now. It's only when the cut-off notices come that I realize I need to do something.
• Get copies of photos I don't have from family and friends and put them in an album for me.
It will be one of the most precious gifts you could give me.
Practical Things I Need To Do
• I need to surround myself with beauty.
• Sit in the sun and just soak it up.
• Enjoy nature. Look at the majesty of mountains, and enjoy the miracle of a blade of grass.
• Have a massage.
• Write in a journal.
• Cry when I need to. Tears are a release.
• Not make any big decisions for a while. A big enough life change has already taken place.
Remember
• Grief is an emotional injury that requires time to heal. Not a week, not a month, not even a year,
it takes as long as it takes. It is similar to major physical injury. You may not be able to see the
wounds on the inside, but they are there.
• Real-life is nothing like TV.
• I will not "get over it" - I will learn to live with my loss and incorporate the lessons into my life.
• I will get better over time, but I will never forget him. The pain ebbs and flows, but never
goes completely.
Now, I realize that some of the points in these letters are geared for times in the future, so they may not pertain to me right now. Things such as, 'you need to start dating.' Now obviously I don't think anybody is going to try and tell me that right now. It hasn't even been a month. But I am sure one day, someone will say something along those lines, and that's why I left it in the letter. Some of these points may not pertain to me right this minute, but I am sure they will sooner or later. Thank you if you took the time to read these letters, and now, I hope, you understand a little bit more about what I am feeling and going through. You probably now also understand why I couldn't choose between the two, so I just posted both.
Yesterday was a little bit of a bittersweet day. We got some pictures taken. I wanted to get some taken before Kayden wasn't a little baby anymore. They grow up so dang fast. So I called the girls' moms, and had all of the kids together for a fun little photo shoot. The kids all had fun, and I hope the pictures turned out good. I should have them back in a week or so. While I am glad I got them done, it was hard at the same time. Pat was supposed to be here with us, taking pictures. Although we talked about it on numerous occasions, we never got the chance to get family pictures taken, with all of the kids included. The only pictures we have of all of us together, are from the dinner we had right before he passed away. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that we at least have that, but it's disappointing because we wanted to do 'real' family pictures together. We just never got the chance. It sucks.
Speaking of pictures, I don't think I mentioned that I took the computer, that crashed, into Best Buy. Unfortunately they were unable to transfer the files to my new computer. I am pretty upset about it, because as I said before, all of my pictures of Pat were on there. Some of them are replaceable. Most of them are not. Our wedding pictures were on there, but I have a backup CD of those. All the pictures from Oklahoma were on there, but they are also on my phone. The ones that aren't replaceable were pictures taken on a trip to Seattle in 2009. Some of them I posted on Facebook, but I only posted a few of them on there. For instance, there were several pictures taken at certain locations, and I only posted the 'best' one out of the group. I also only posted pictures that had Pat in them, but we took pictures of the scenery, and pictures of Keegan and I, and those I did not post to Facebook. I think we had close to 1000 pictures of that trip. I am hoping that I backed up those pictures, to a CD, but I can't remember for sure, and I won't know until I go through all the boxes in storage, once I get my own place.
I hope I get in to a place soon. I feel like I can't even begin to move forward, even in baby steps, until I have my own place. I just want to be able to unpack all of those boxes, that are sitting in storage. Unpack all the memories. Yes, I know it will be hard at the same time, but I just want to touch all of his stuff. Touch it. Feel it. Smell it. Remember him.
I came across a couple of 'letters to family/friends' that I would like to share. They were not written by me, but basically cover what I am feeling. There were two different ones, and I couldn't decide between the two (imagine that!) so I am just going to share both of them.
How You Can Help Me
Please talk about my loved one, even though he is gone. It is more
comforting to cry than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk
about him, and I need to do it over and over.
Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get
comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know
when my tears may flow. Don't ever feel that you have made me cry.
The tears are always there and I appreciate the opportunity to shed them.
Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.
Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don't want to upset me. You
can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid
to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I
most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come
over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You
can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you
to know that."
Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I
feel only if you really have time to find out.
I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving
and that's different. My grieving may only begin 6 months after my loved
one's death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For I am not only
grieving his death, but also the person I was when I was with him,
the life that we shared, the plans we had for watching our children and
grandchildren grow, the places we will never get to go together, and
the hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has
crumbled and I will never be the same.
I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my
loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and
love into the rest of my life. He is a part of me and always will be,
and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a
tear. Both are okay.
I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has
happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just
not acceptable.
When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and
alone. I feel badly enough that my loved one is dead, so please don't
make it worse by telling me I'm not doing this right.
Please don't tell me I can find someone else or that I need to start dating
again. I'm not ready. And maybe I don't want to. And besides, what
makes you think people are replaceable? They aren't. Whoever (if anyone at all) comes
after will always be someone different.
I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get
on with your life." My life is going on, I've been forced to take on
many new responsibilities and roles. It may not look the way you think
it should. This will take time and I will never be my old self again. So
please, just love me as I am today, and know that with your love and
support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget
and there will always be times that I cry.
I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your
hugs. I need you just to be with me, and I need to be with you. I need
to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in
my own way, and in my own time.
Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you
because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could
do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you
some ideas:
(a) Bring food or a movie over to watch together.
(b) Send me a card on special holidays, his birthday, and the
anniversary of his death, and be sure to mention his name. You can't
make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the
opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to
reach out on this difficult day.
(c) Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I
may so no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me
because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given
up then I really will be alone.
(d) Understand how difficult it is for me to be surrounded by couples,
to walk into events alone, to go home alone, to feel out of place in the
same situations where I used to feel so comfortable.
Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely.
Remember I'm grieving. I may even be in shock. I am afraid. I may
feel deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm
experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before and one that can't
be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes.
Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to
slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please
don't tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with
my life. What I need now is time to grieve.
Most of all thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience.
Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. Thank
you for praying for me.
The second 'letter':
To My Friend
I have lost the one I love, the one I cherish. My lover, my best friend, my whole life.
Either you have stumbled across this because you want to find out how to help me,
or I have given this to you.
How I am Feeling
• I am numb. I am in shock. I am emotionally exhausted.
• I am in pain. A horrible, gut-wrenching, intense, unimaginable, and indescribable pain.
• My mind is totally occupied with processing my loss. I am trying to understand what has
happened. I am attempting to make sense of it all. I am trying to comprehend the incomprehensible.
• I can't sleep. I want to sleep all day. I am physically exhausted.
• I can't eat. I can't stop eating.
• I can't be bothered cooking. I can't be bothered cleaning. I don't want to go shopping.
• Everything is overwhelming. Small tasks are overwhelming. Small details are overwhelming.
I just don't want to know about it right now.
• Nothing sticks in my mind. I walk out the door without my keys. I forget what I was going to do.
I forget everything except that my love has gone.
• I am going through tidal waves of emotion. One minute I might be laughing, the next I may be
in tears.
• Sometimes I want to talk. Sometimes I need to be alone. Sometimes I need silent company.
Sometimes I need all of these things in the space of 5 minutes.
• Some days I just want to curl up in bed and do nothing. Some days I will keep myself totally
occupied in an attempt to escape.
• Sometimes I will be intense. Sometimes I will be irrational. Sometimes I will be snappy, and
often I will be totally lost in myself.
• Often I may not have a clue as to what I want, but it only takes a moment for me to realize
what I don't want.
• I am hypersensitive and will often be offended by things you say to try and make me feel better.
• I want to wail. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to just sit.
• I have no choice how I react. This is coming from deep inside me and intelligence and self
control have no effect. It comes from the basal self.
• Sometimes it so hard for me to respond to phone calls or letters or emails, but I truly appreciate
that you are doing it, so please don't stop just because I don't respond.
• I will not be fully-functional at work for a long time. In fact, I may never work with the same
intensity again as my perspectives of what is important and what isn't has been changed permanently.
• I still want to laugh. I need to laugh. I may suddenly go quiet mid-laugh, when hit by a sudden
reminder, but I desperately need to continue to laugh.
Emotional Things You Can Do
• Let me talk about him. I want to talk about our love. I want to tell you how we met, our last
days, and everything in between. I want to show you his picture, tell you how wonderful he was.
• Let me cry. Your acceptance that I need to cry and your permission to allow me to is one of the
best gifts you can give me. Hand me a tissue, and do your best to sit quietly and let me cry.
• Once you have allowed me to open up or cry, please don't change the subject or try to stop me.
I know you feel uncomfortable that I am in pain. Don't. Changing the subject, trying to stop me
crying just makes me hold everything inside, and eats away at me.
• Tell me all your stories of when my love was sweet, courageous, rotten or funny. I need to hear
everything about him. If you don't know many, find out some from those who are too scared to
approach me now.
• Let me try to tell you what is going on inside me. I won't succeed, but I need to try. You don't have
to do anything. Just allowing me to do it, and allowing me to feel what I need to feel means so much.
• It is really hard for me to tell other people about my loss. I'm working full time to deal with my
emotions. Trying to deal with someone else's reaction or discomfort is the last thing I need, so if
someone needs to know it would be good if you could explain it to them.
What Not To Do
• Don't tell me you understand how I feel, or that you can imagine the pain I am going through,
unless you have lost the love of your life. Trust me, you can't. If I can't, and I am going through it,
trust me, you can't – your mind will just not let you voluntarily imagine this much pain.
• Don't try to compare my loss to the loss of a parent, or a friend, or an acquaintance or pet, it's
not the same. I understand that all of these things are painful, but it is not the same.
• Don't ask how I'm doing unless you really want to know. I am assuming that as you know, and
as you have asked, you truly want to know.
• Don't try to save me from my feelings or make me feel better. I know you can't bear to see me
in so much pain, but I need to go through all of these feelings whether I want to or not.
• Once you have "given me permission" to talk or cry, please don't try and distract me with small
talk. I know it makes you feel better if I appear happy, but my pain is ever-present and it makes
me feel like you don't care.
• Don't ever tell me "you have to be strong". If ever there's a time I should be permitted to be weak,
this is it. What's more, if I only "need to talk" to you once every few weeks, chances are I have
been strong and right now I really need you to understand that I am exhausted and need help.
• Whatever you do don't tell me "If I were you I'd…." Until you are in the same situation, you
have absolutely no idea what you will do. Your logical brain has absolutely no control.
• Never try telling me "life goes on", or "he wouldn't want you to cry", or "God will never give
you more than you can handle" or any other meaningless platitudes.
• Don't try to solve my "problem". Unless you can bring him/her back, it can't be "solved".
• Don't feel the need to fill in silences. I know the silences are hard for you, but if you can accept
them, you are helping me immensely.
• Please don't try and help me find "closure", or tell me I need to find "closure". Closure is an
obscene word for me right now, as is "moving on"/"move on".
Practical Things You Can Do
I understand that a lot of you find it hard to cope with my emotional pain. Hate to see me
hurting so. If you can't help me emotionally, you can help me practically.
• Don't ask me what you can do to help. I have no idea, I am overwhelmed.
• Bring me some meals that I can just put in the microwave.
• Find out what sort of bread, milk, toilet paper, etc I use and bring me them to me. I have
no idea I need them until I run out, so don't bother asking me if I need anything.
• If you are an organized person offer to manage my bills. Collect the bills as they come in
and let me know when they need to be paid, and make sure I do. Time has no meaning for me
right now. It's only when the cut-off notices come that I realize I need to do something.
• Get copies of photos I don't have from family and friends and put them in an album for me.
It will be one of the most precious gifts you could give me.
Practical Things I Need To Do
• I need to surround myself with beauty.
• Sit in the sun and just soak it up.
• Enjoy nature. Look at the majesty of mountains, and enjoy the miracle of a blade of grass.
• Have a massage.
• Write in a journal.
• Cry when I need to. Tears are a release.
• Not make any big decisions for a while. A big enough life change has already taken place.
Remember
• Grief is an emotional injury that requires time to heal. Not a week, not a month, not even a year,
it takes as long as it takes. It is similar to major physical injury. You may not be able to see the
wounds on the inside, but they are there.
• Real-life is nothing like TV.
• I will not "get over it" - I will learn to live with my loss and incorporate the lessons into my life.
• I will get better over time, but I will never forget him. The pain ebbs and flows, but never
goes completely.
Now, I realize that some of the points in these letters are geared for times in the future, so they may not pertain to me right now. Things such as, 'you need to start dating.' Now obviously I don't think anybody is going to try and tell me that right now. It hasn't even been a month. But I am sure one day, someone will say something along those lines, and that's why I left it in the letter. Some of these points may not pertain to me right this minute, but I am sure they will sooner or later. Thank you if you took the time to read these letters, and now, I hope, you understand a little bit more about what I am feeling and going through. You probably now also understand why I couldn't choose between the two, so I just posted both.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)