Well I should probably be in bed right now, but my mind is racing, so of course sleep is eluding me once again. Tomorrow it will be one month. One month, since I lost the love of my life. I hate this. I miss him more and more with each passing day, and most days, I don't know how to make it to the next. I have done nothing today but think about it. Well that's everyday, but today was even worse. Usually those 'special' dates, you celebrate. We celebrate birthdays. We celebrate holidays. We celebrate anniversaries. But not these kind of anniversaries. Just thinking about it, gives me this huge knot in my stomach.
It's so strange, because on one hand, I miss him so much, that it seems like it's been longer than a month, in fact it seems more like an eternity. On the other hand, I can't believe he has been gone a month already. It seems like just yesterday, we were boarding planes to get back to Montana. It seems like just yesterday, we were talking and laughing with all of our friends and family at the 'get together dinner' we had. It seems like just yesterday, I was shuffling the kids back and forth between the hospital and the hotel. It seems like just yesterday, he was here.
Last night I was reading through some posts written by other young widows, when I came across the topic of 'signs'. They all shared some of the different signs their husbands/wives had sent them over the last few months, or years. Some of them were subtle, and some of them were very obvious. It made me think about all the signs that I have experienced over the past month, and I thought it would be fitting to share them.
The first one that happened occurred the night he passed away. My Mom was staying in the hotel with me, and my brother had brought her luggage in. He put it in the closet. In the hotel, there are little metal 'door stoppers' that hold the bedroom door open. Later that night, I went to prop the door open, and I could not find the metal door stopper. We moved all her suitcases from the closet, looked inside the closet, tore the hotel room apart, looking for that stupid door stopper. I looked everywhere. My mom looked everywhere, and we could not find it. We finally just asked the maid the next day, if we could have an extra one. It really was driving me crazy though, because we searched from top to bottom, and in the most unlikely places, to no avail. The other day, I went to prop open the door again, and as I looked down, there were TWO door stoppers. I about fell over. Where did it come from?! I called my Mom, and told her about it. She said when she was packing her things, she found it under one of her suitcases. But, we both, checked under both of her suitcases! I actually moved both of them out of the closet, when I looked. I will admit, I am not the most organized person, and I have a bad memory at times. Pat, on the other hand, had an excellent memory, and always knew where MY misplaced items were! So, I think it was him, just letting me know that he's still around. Letting me know, that once again HE found, what I was looking for.
The next sign I got, was only a few days after he passed. His Mom, Dad, little Sister, and I were driving to the funeral home, to meet with the funeral director. Let me back up a little in the day. Before we left, his Mom was showing me a bunch of old pictures they had dug up. Baby pictures, childhood pictures, and goofy Pat pictures. I enjoyed going through them, and seeing how much he changed over the years. So fast forward to the funeral home. As we were pulling in, there was a van pulling out of the parking lot. I glanced at the driver, and had to do a double take. It looked just like a younger Pat. It looked just like him, at about 20 years old. With his hair all gelled up, and an earring in his ear. I didn't say anything to his parents, because I figured they probably would think I was crazy, but hey, now everyone thinks I'm crazy, so I might as well let everyone in on it!
The next 'sign' I got, was a few days before the funeral. His Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister-in-law, and I, all went to Laurel to pick out a plot. On the way back, we were driving on the interstate, behind a pickup, hauling a horse trailer. We were all discussing food arrangements for the 'reception'. (Just a side note, I hate the word reception, used for this occasion. I know there really isn't anything else to call it, but really? A reception happens after you get married, not after someone's funeral. I realize it is supposed to be to 'celebrate' someone's life, rather than their death, but it's little things like this, that get to me now a days. Just like the word 'death certificate', really?! When I think of a certificate, I think of an accomplishment, and they usually are celebrated occasions. You have, a birth certificate, a marriage certificate, and then a death certificate. Just shouldn't go in the same category I don't think.) The topic of Pat's Mom's famous 'Jimmy Dean Roll-ups' comes up. They are basically tortillas, with cream cheese, and Jimmy Dean sausage rolled up, and cut into pin-wheels. They are delicious, and Pat absolutely loved them. At every get together, she always gets asked to make them. In fact, she made them for our wedding. So of course, she would be asked to make them for the "reception." She begins to tell us, that she doesn't really want to make that many, because she expects a lot of people to be there. We were in the middle of the conversation, when all of the sudden, bam! Horse poop covers the front windshield. I am convinced it was Pat, letting us know he was hearing what was going on, and wasn't very happy that there were not going to be any 'Jimmy Dean Roll-ups'.
The next sign I got was a day or two before the funeral. I went shopping to get something to wear to the services. I decided I was going to wear a Raider's Jersey, since it was his favorite team. I wanted to honor him. I went to Big Bear, and searched their racks. Being February, there wasn't much of a selection left. There were only two jerseys left. Number 20, and number 21. I looked at the backs of them, and really had no idea who either of the players were. Something told me to go with number 21. So I bought it. Back up a couple days. His mom went out and bought him a Raider's Jersey to be buried in. She showed it to me, but honestly I really didn't pay attention to what player's jersey it was. Even while I was shopping for mine, it didn't occur to me, to look for the same one. I didn't realize it was the same one until two nights before the funeral, I went in to see him, in a private visitation. It may sound silly, but I think it was him, who guided me to buy the same numbered jersey as the one he was wearing.
The next sign I got was the day we buried him. We all went to Golden Coral to eat, after the graveside services. Pat's little sister, came up to me after we all got seated, and with a 'I don't know what to think' look on her face, handed me a card she found on the table. It read, "Thank you- Pat." I am pretty sure we all were floored. It was like he was telling us all 'thank you' for the services. His sister, handed the card back to her Mom, and I hope she kept it.
The next sign I got was a couple of weeks ago. I had just gotten in bed. I always plug my phone in at night, and it was on the nightstand next to me. I was under the covers, just laying there, and had been for about 10 or 15 minutes. I was having kind of a hard night, and couldn't fall asleep. All of the sudden, my phone lit up. I looked over, assuming I had a text message, but nothing. The only time my phone lights up, is when I either have an incoming call, or get a text message. Back up to before Pat passed. As many of you already know, Pat loved to give me a hard time about my phone. I played the last video recorded of Pat, at the services. He was talking to his (then) unborn baby boy. Many of you got to see that video, but if you didn't, let me explain a little. As he is talking to Kayden, about how much he loves him, and how he can't wait to meet him, he is also giving me a hard time about being on the phone. He always loved to tease me, that it was my favorite thing in the world. He also recorded a few minutes of when I was in the hospital having Kayden, and again, he is giving me a hard time for being on the phone. So fast forward back to that night, I knew it was him again, trying to 'speak' to me, in a language he knew I would understand. Still giving me a hard time about my phone.
And the last sign I have encountered has actually happened a few times over the last few weeks. Last night, I was reading about these different signs that people were posting about. It was late, and I decided I should probably go to sleep. I went outside, to have a cigarette (gasp, I know) before I went to bed. I came back inside, and tried to lay down. Instead of sleeping, I started sobbing. I cried for about an hour. I went to go back outside to have another cigarette, because now I was stressed out again. As I reached to open the door, I noticed the deadbolt was locked. I didn't lock it on my way in. I have noticed this on a couple different occasions. Now, if this is freaking you out that I didn't lock the deadbolt, please remember we are still in a hotel, so it automatically locks from the outside, unless you have the key. I have been so used to staying here, that I don't ever lock the deadbolt. Pat was always reminding me to lock the doors, especially once we got to Oklahoma. So I am convinced it's him, just letting me know he is still here, to watch out for us.
Now I am sure some of you don't believe in signs. I am sure most of you think that I have surely lost my mind. Most of you probably don't think these are signs from Pat, and that they are just coincidences. That is fine. You are allowed to think that, just as I am allowed to think it is him, letting us all know he's still around. Sometimes when I think of all these signs, it is somewhat comforting to know he's still around. But mostly, I still just wish he was really here, in person. For now, the signs will have to do, until we are together again. So please, the only thing I ask, is that if you don't believe these are signs, and you think they are just coincidences, just keep it to yourself. Please don't take this away from me. It's all I have left.
Well, when I started typing it was the 13th. Now I am finished, and as I look down at the clock/calendar, my heart sinks into my stomach, which is now a rock hard pit. It is the dreaded 14th of the month. Ugh.
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