Well it's another sleepless night, but I'm not in Seattle. I am stuck in this nightmare that everyone else calls reality. In the early days and even weeks, I didn't have too many problems sleeping. It seems these days it eludes me on a nightly basis. I toss and turn for hours. My body is physically exhausted, yet I cannot seem to fall asleep. My mind reels with all the 'what ifs' and 'whys'. I can't get it to shut off. So Instead, I stay up, keeping myself occupied, until my eyes will hardly stay open.
Lately, I have been really caught up in thinking about the night before Pat passed away. He had been in and out of it so much in the days leading up to his death. He was on high amounts of narcotics, for the immense amount of pain he was in. They somewhat sedated him. I was not getting much sleep. I was so afraid that he would pass away while I was sleeping, so I stretched myself pretty thin. The night before he passed away, I stayed up until about four or four thirty in the morning. I cuddled with him for a good forty five minutes that night. I am so grateful for that. There is one thing that I can't seem to shake from my thoughts. After I laid down, and just started to doze off, he awoke, almost in a panic, looking for his urinal. I got up, somewhat irritated, and found it for him. I was half asleep, and frustrated that I had to get up, because I was exhausted. That was the last time I saw him coherent. By the time the doctor came in at seven, he was no longer responsive. So here I sit. Constantly kicking myself, because had I known, I would have gotten back in bed with him. I would have held his hand, and told him I loved him just one more time. I would have kissed his forehead. I would have tried to talk to him. I would have looked into his eyes, that smiled, even when his mouth didn't. Instead, I laid back down on the couch, and went to sleep. When I awoke a few short hours later, I thought I was stuck in a nightmare. It just couldn't be real.
It still doesn't seem real. It's been almost two months, yet I still feel like he could walk through the door at any moment. Every time I really start to think about things, it hits me like a brick wall all over again. I have an image ingrained in my mind, of the last breath he took, and it all becomes so real again. I picture him in the coffin, and while he looks so peaceful, it also makes me realize how final it is. I look at the few pictures I have with me, and I realize that's all I have left. Memories, and pictures. My best friend is no longer standing by my side.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
I finally have some good news.......
I haven't posted since the night before our one year anniversary. It was a hard day to deal with. I went to the cemetery, with a dozen roses, to celebrate our anniversary. Not quite what I had in mind, when I thought about this day. A year ago, I envisioned a quiet getaway, just the two of us. Something romantic. Just time to spend with each other. Even a few months ago, my perspective had changed, yet I still envisioned us being with each other. Each others company was always enough for me. Yet it didn't quite play out that way. Instead I stared over his grave, adorned with roses, and other flowers. Just stared. And cried. And talked. And cried some more. I just still can't believe we didn't even get to make it a year married.
I am so thankful that I have some really great friends. They made my night full of laughter, and happiness. After I visited the cemetery, a few of us met at a friends house. We had dinner, and good conversation. Without them, I am sure I would have been a wreck. They made sure I smiled, and even laughed. I consider myself so lucky to have them all in my life at this point. I would just like to say thank you. You know who you are! I love you guys!
I know my husband is upstairs, in the presence of the Lord, helping to make things happen. It seems like it's been a long time coming, but I finally have some good news! I am so excited to announce that I finally have a place to call home! Such a huge relief, and a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. As you all know, I have been living in a hotel, since we came back home, in late January. A friend of mine's husband, is in the business of mobile home sales. They have been faithfully searching for a reasonable mobile, for the past several weeks. They have been such a huge blessing, and I am so thankful there are people out there who care as much as they do. In perfect timing, a mobile came in, and he gave me a great deal on it. It will be moved on Wednesday, and the utilities should be hooked up by Thursday. I will hopefully be moving in by next weekend.
Although I am so excited that I am purchasing my first home, it is also bittersweet at the same time. Pat and I were supposed to buy our first home, together. I am not supposed to be going through this process alone. Unfortunately, I am. Although I am excited to be able to get my belongings out of boxes, there are also memories packed away in those boxes. I am excited about going through all of my memories that are packed away, but at the same time, I know it will be a roller coaster of emotions. Not quite sure what to expect.
For the most part, I am looking forward to the moving process. I am looking forward to making my house, a home. It is nice to be able to look forward. I have dreaded so many days in the past month and a half. I dreaded Keegan's birthday, on the third of March, because Pat wasn't here with us to celebrate. I dreaded the 14th of March, because it was the one month mark. I dreaded St. Patrick's Day, because it was the first holiday without him, and also one of his favorites. I dreaded the 27th of March, because it would have been our one year anniversary. I know I will continue to dread many more days in the future, but for now, I am satisfied with looking forward to next week.
Overall my heart tonight, is singing songs of thanksgiving. I am thankful for all my friends, those near and far, who have stepped up to be there for me someway, somehow. I am thankful for some new found friendships, that have proved to be some of the best relationships I could have asked for. I am thankful for my family, who have stood by my side, for this entire process, knowing this process is going to be a life-long commitment. I am thankful for my children, because without them, it would be so easy to throw my hands up in the air, and just give up. They keep me going, everyday. Most of all, I am thankful that I serve an awesome God!
I am so thankful that I have some really great friends. They made my night full of laughter, and happiness. After I visited the cemetery, a few of us met at a friends house. We had dinner, and good conversation. Without them, I am sure I would have been a wreck. They made sure I smiled, and even laughed. I consider myself so lucky to have them all in my life at this point. I would just like to say thank you. You know who you are! I love you guys!
I know my husband is upstairs, in the presence of the Lord, helping to make things happen. It seems like it's been a long time coming, but I finally have some good news! I am so excited to announce that I finally have a place to call home! Such a huge relief, and a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. As you all know, I have been living in a hotel, since we came back home, in late January. A friend of mine's husband, is in the business of mobile home sales. They have been faithfully searching for a reasonable mobile, for the past several weeks. They have been such a huge blessing, and I am so thankful there are people out there who care as much as they do. In perfect timing, a mobile came in, and he gave me a great deal on it. It will be moved on Wednesday, and the utilities should be hooked up by Thursday. I will hopefully be moving in by next weekend.
Although I am so excited that I am purchasing my first home, it is also bittersweet at the same time. Pat and I were supposed to buy our first home, together. I am not supposed to be going through this process alone. Unfortunately, I am. Although I am excited to be able to get my belongings out of boxes, there are also memories packed away in those boxes. I am excited about going through all of my memories that are packed away, but at the same time, I know it will be a roller coaster of emotions. Not quite sure what to expect.
For the most part, I am looking forward to the moving process. I am looking forward to making my house, a home. It is nice to be able to look forward. I have dreaded so many days in the past month and a half. I dreaded Keegan's birthday, on the third of March, because Pat wasn't here with us to celebrate. I dreaded the 14th of March, because it was the one month mark. I dreaded St. Patrick's Day, because it was the first holiday without him, and also one of his favorites. I dreaded the 27th of March, because it would have been our one year anniversary. I know I will continue to dread many more days in the future, but for now, I am satisfied with looking forward to next week.
Overall my heart tonight, is singing songs of thanksgiving. I am thankful for all my friends, those near and far, who have stepped up to be there for me someway, somehow. I am thankful for some new found friendships, that have proved to be some of the best relationships I could have asked for. I am thankful for my family, who have stood by my side, for this entire process, knowing this process is going to be a life-long commitment. I am thankful for my children, because without them, it would be so easy to throw my hands up in the air, and just give up. They keep me going, everyday. Most of all, I am thankful that I serve an awesome God!
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