Thursday, March 24, 2011

I just want some stability.....

Today I took Kayden back to the doctor, for a re-check of his head. Immediately after arriving at the clinic, my heart sank, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. The clinic is at the same hospital where Pat passed away. In fact it is directly across the parking lot from the room he passed away in. So my thoughts were stuck on that from the second we pulled into the parking lot. Actually that's a lie. I had been thinking about it from the second I woke up. Keegan has been there so many times, that as soon as we got out of the car, the first thing out of his mouth was, "Pat's with God? Not here?". Ugh. I thought someone kicked me in the stomach.
The reason we were there in the first place is, Kayden has a small indentation in the back of his scull. At his two month checkup, I had the doctor look at it. She asked me to bring him back in a month to check it again. It turns out it's nothing. She originally thought it was the soft spot on the back of the head, but after having another 'more experienced' doctor come and look at it, he said it was completely normal. He felt it, and said, "Well, I would assume his Dad probably has the same thing." He turns to me, "Have you felt your husband's head recently? Because he probably has the same thing." Gulp.

Our one year anniversary is coming up on Sunday. I don't think I have dreaded a day so much in my life. At one time I looked forward to this day, and I couldn't wait for it to come. Now I wish I could curl up under a rock, and not come out until Tuesday. I can't even begin to imagine how many different emotions I will feel on that day. I can't believe he is not here to share that day with me. We were both so excited, and although toward the end, we knew we may be celebrating in a hospital room, it didn't matter. We would be in the company of each other, and that's all that mattered. Now I don't even get that much.
A couple of days ago while I was on Facebook, I noticed a reminder. Usually there are reminders of people's birthdays that fall on that day. Well that day, I realized there must be a lot of people that forget their anniversaries, because a week before, I get a reminder that it's our anniversary on Sunday. Way to give me a heads up Facebook. Now, every time I log in, there is the reminder, staring me in the face. Like I don't already know and think about it every second.

I have really been stressing out these last couple of days about our living situation. We have to be out of this suite this weekend, and as of right now, I have no leads. A friend of mine was looking into financing a mobile for me, but I found out today that that may fall through. So I am kind of back to square one. I wanted to purchase a mobile for several reasons. First, I would really like to get into something that I will eventually own. It just makes no sense to me to rent something, and basically throw my money away. Mobiles are much cheaper than houses, so it would be a good starting point. Also, my credit score is terrible right now, so chances are, I wouldn't get financed, unless it was through a private company that was willing to give me a chance. I want to find a three bedroom, because I want my girls to be able to come stay with me on a consistent basis, and don't want them to have to sleep on the floor, or couch. Renting a three bedroom apartment is just out of my price range right now. The problem with buying a mobile home, is there are no used ones available. They are being snatched up like hot cakes. Chances are I will be forced to rent. At least for a while. I just hate the idea of moving into a place, only to turn around and pack everything back up again. I just want some stability. For me, and for my kids.

I do wish I had some motivation. I really have no motivation to do the simplest tasks. Even taking a shower has become such a chore. Going grocery shopping has become a daunting task. I just wish things could go back to how they used to be. I wish I could just wake up from this nightmare I call my life.


I stay up all hours of the night, mostly because I want to pass out as soon as I hit the pillow. I stay up until I can't keep my eyes open anymore, I guess I figure that way I won't have to cry myself to sleep. Although, many nights I still do anyway.