Well I can say I am glad the 14th is finally over with. Forever, I will hate that number. 14.
I did go over to a friends house, and had a few good laughs. I think it was good to keep my mind off of things, but at the same time it was still hard.
I talked a little bit before about the 'new found' friendships I have encountered along the way, and they still seem to amaze me. I've read that your 'address book' changes a lot when you lose your spouse, and boy were they right! Not only have people started to thin out, but I also gained some new friends, that I never expected to.
I want to talk a little about a couple of these 'new friends'. First I'd like to introduce you to E and T. They are a married couple, who we were friends with before Pat passed away. Pat knew them before I did, and we all hung out a couple of times. They came and showed their support, at both of the dinners we had. We kept in contact, mainly through facebook, and although we weren't super close, Pat and I both knew, we could count on them for anything. Two nights before Pat passed away, I knew he was getting closer and closer, and I knew it was also T's birthday party. I was a little conflicted, because I didn't want to ruin the party, but I also didn't want to call too late. I decided to call. They both came up to the hospital, that night, no questions asked. After Pat passed away, I immediately (ok, maybe not immediately, because honestly, I probably didn't think about any of this stuff until I was forced to) thought of E, to be one of the Pall Bearers. He graciously accepted. These two people have really made an effort to be here for me. T calls or texts me all the time, just to see how I am. Most of the time, I am a wreck, but she always tries to make me smile. They both have awesome senses of humor, and make me laugh so hard sometimes, that my gut literally hurts. The more I get to know both of them, the more I cherish the friendships we have formed. I love these two.
Next I would like to introduce, A and C. They too, are a married couple, who were friends with Pat, before I was in his life. And like E and T, they weren't super close friends. C and Pat would talk occasionally, mostly through text messages I believe. C is a musician, and Pat found a lot of comfort and strength in listening to his music. In fact, Pat requested that one of C's songs, be played at his funeral. In the last months of my husband's life, he listened to that CD over and over again. He would play it mostly in the car, and now I know that CD almost inside and out. Even when we got back to Billings, he would lay in the bed, at the hotel, and play the CD on the mini DVD player, and just listen to it over and over. Especially the song he wanted played at his funeral. I knew Pat and C were never best friends, but because he found so much hope, or comfort, or whatever it was he found in that music, I thought it was fitting to also ask C to be a Pall Bearer. He also graciously accepted.
I had only been introduced to A and C once. It was about 2 years ago, at the fair. I think we talked to them for maybe a minute or two, and both went our separate ways. Still hardly knowing me, they have both welcomed me into their home, with open arms. I cherish the friendship I have formed with A, and the more I learn about her, the more I feel connected. She also makes me laugh whenever given the opportunity. I love these two as well.
I now find myself, listening to that CD over and over again, because it makes me feel closer to Pat. It also brings back memories, sometimes that's a good thing, and other times it can cause me to break down.
I didn't name names, because I wasn't sure if they wanted to be called out. Those of you that are close, probably know who I am referring to. E and T, and A and C, you know who you are, and I want you to know that I love you guys, and thank you for everything you have done, and are doing. Thank you for being there, I want you to know I truly appreciate it. Thank you for all the laughs. Even though I feel like I am going through hell on earth, you guys still manage to get a giggle out of me, and I appreciate it. I also know Pat would be proud to call you all his friends. He would also be proud that you guys are trying so hard to take care of his wife.
I want to thank everyone who has shown me support in the last few weeks. While I may not have mentioned you specifically tonight, please don't think it's because you aren't important to me. My memory is crazy these days. I was going to call out some other people, but the more I thought about it, I figured somewhere in the mix, I would inevitably forget someone. Then that someone would feel left out, and hurt. So I am not going to do that. The people mentioned above, were on my heart tonight, and that's why I wrote about them. So like I said, please don't take offense, or think I don't notice the efforts, because I most definitely do. Thank you.
Here is a fear I have had on my mind recently. I know people go back to their normal lives, after something like this happens. I get it. I will be stuck here, trying to figure out what normal is. I have read, like I mentioned above, that my 'address book' will change. I will find friends that I didn't know I had, and I will get rid of ones that I thought would be there. I have already noticed some that have slightly fallen away. I expected that. I know people are busy with their own lives. Here's what I am afraid of though. It's all still pretty new, it's only been a month. People realize that, and are really putting the effort into being here for me. What will it be like at the 3 month mark? How many will stick around? How many will go back to their normal lives, and forget about my abnormal one? What about at 6 months? This has been something that has been bothering me for the last week or so. I just hope everyone doesn't disappear, or at least all at once.
I had to snicker to myself a little bit, after re-reading that paragraph. I know there will be a small handful of people that will be calling me tomorrow, wondering if they are going to be 'blacklisted' from my 'address book'. And when they do, at least I can smile, and know they still care.
St. Patrick's Day is coming up, and I am dreading it. It was one of Pat's favorite holidays. He loved corned beef and cabbage. Two years ago, on St. Patrick's Day, I asked him to test drive a car for me. It was a manual transmission, and I didn't know how to drive one. He drove it off the lot, and we took it to a quiet neighborhood, where he proceeded to try to teach me how to drive it. I think we both laughed so hard that our stomachs hurt afterword. I ended up purchasing the car, and we went to a concert together later that night. We didn't have time between buying the car, and seeing the concert, to get him some corned beef and cabbage, and he never let me live that down! At least this year, he did get some corned beef and cabbage. One of his closest childhood friends, brought him a plate, right before he went into the hospital. It still breaks my heart, he won't be here to celebrate one of his favorite holidays.
As I was typing that last paragraph, it dawned on me, I think I will dread every holiday from here on out. He will no longer be here with me, to celebrate them. How long will this feel so unbearable?
I really do hate how my mind works now a days. I am a complete scatterbrain. Before I can type the words, they vanish from my thoughts. Yet in a split second a simple spark will set my mind on fire, and I remember something about him, or us, and the memories come flooding back like they happened yesterday.
I hate how my whole world has been turned upside down, and I am now more sensitive to things that wouldn't have bothered me before. Everything reminds me of him, and of the life I once had. I can't even watch cartoons anymore. Even on the cartoons widowhood and death is portrayed, and it just reminds me once again, that he is gone. Everywhere I look, I see couples. I see normal people, living normal lives. I see normal families, and it hurts, because I know I will never have that again. At least not the way I want it. Even as much as I cherish these new friendships I mentioned, it is still hard at the same time. They have what I don't anymore. Each other.
