Dear Pat,
Happy Anniversary, my love. I miss you so much, and today is going to be a hard day. It's only 3 and a half hours into it, and it's already hard. I just can't believe you aren't here to share this day with me. We were both so excited. Even though we may have not planned some special get away, it was going to be special, because we would be together. That's the only thing that mattered. But now you are gone, and here I sit at three o'clock in the morning, blogging instead. Alone.
I'm so scared to face my future. I don't even want to think about it, because you are no longer in it. It doesn't even make sense to me. I always imagined us growing old together. Watching our children grow up, and then our grandchildren. Now that dream has vanished into thin air. I have to face it on my own, and it scares me to death. You are supposed to be here, to tell me it's all going to be ok. Now you are gone, and things are far from ok.
I just want you back. I know you are now free of pain, but I selfishly want you back with me. Here. Knowing you are in a better place, doesn't make the pain inside my heart any less. It still aches terribly. I don't even know what to do with myself, now that you are gone. I wake up everyday, and have to pinch myself, hoping that I am just dreaming. Everyday, I still feel it. I'm living my own worst nightmare. This wasn't supposed to happen. You are still supposed to be here, by my side. The treatments were supposed to work, you were supposed to be ok.
I love you with all my heart. When I said those vows, a year ago today, I meant every word, with my whole heart. When I said, "til death do us part", I always meant, until MY death do us part, not yours! I never imagined this would be my life. We had so much in front of us, and we were just getting started. It's just not fair.
I miss your touch. I miss your kisses. I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss your jokes. I miss everything about you. Plain and simply put, I just miss you. Period.
You were my best friend. You were my rock. You were my everything. You are gone, and without you, I feel like I am falling apart. I feel completely empty on the inside. I feel like someone tore out my heart, and threw it against the wall. It's now shattered into a million pieces. Where do I even begin to try to put it together again? I lost the most important person in my life. I lost my love.
A year ago, today, I was the happiest woman in the world. It was the best day of my life. I married my best friend. We had our whole lives ahead of us. You looked so handsome. I felt like a princess. You were my prince. I will never forget that day. Ever. You kept a smile on your face all night long, even though you were in so much pain. You danced all night long, with your new wife, just to put a smile on her face. Now, a short year later, my smiles have faded, and my life is a wreck. I can't believe how much things have changed in only a year.
I want you to know that you had some pretty amazing friends. You would be so proud that a few people have really stepped up to make sure I am ok. You may have knew they would, but I never knew. I am blessed, and I know you are pulling strings up there. You are making sure your wife is always taken care of.
I know I'll see you again. And in your eyes, it may be soon. But it doesn't feel like soon to me. It feels like an eternity. I know you are watching down from up above. It's not enough for me. I want you back, here. I want to be able to touch you, and feel you.
You are missing out on our son's life. You were so proud the day he was born. You finally got your son. Yet now you can't even hold him, kiss him, enjoy him. It just seems so unfair. It absolutely breaks my heart that he will have no memories of you. He will grow up knowing who you are, but it's not the same.
Even though my heart is shattered, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I got to know the most amazing person in the world. I got to feel what true love is. If I could go back and change it, so that I wouldn't have to feel this pain, in a split second I could tell you, absolutely not! I would never give up what we shared. Not in a million years.
This day doesn't feel right without you in it. This life doesn't feel right without you in it. I will forever miss you. There will always be a piece of me missing, with you gone. You will never be forgotten, and you will always be on my mind. I love you more, my Valentine.
Love,
Your Wife,
Jen
March 27, 2010. Happiest Day of my Life.
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