The bad news keeps getting worse....

Well I cannot even seem to form words today.  My body feels completely numb.  My heart is breaking in two.  I keep thinking my body is out of tears, but no, they just keep flowing.

My husband's situation has gone from bad to worse.  The infection has spread to his lungs.  It is over-taking his entire body, and they are doubtful that he will pull through this.  He is in excruciating pain, and his coughing is getting worse.  They have upped the dose of his pain medication, but they also worry that it could inhibit his breathing to the point of it stopping completely.  If that were to happen, they don't think he would survive the trauma of being intubated (being put on a ventilator), or being resuscitated.  As it stands right now, they will do limited CPR, but will not intubate him.  

These blog posts just keep getting harder, and harder to write.  I actually have to go back and read again, and again what I am writing.  I have to keep asking myself, "Is this real?  Am I really blogging about my husband possibly passing away?"  The unfortunate answer is, yes.  This is my life.  It's not a dream.

I am constantly reminded of all the things we looked forward to.  Now he may not be there to share them with me, and it's absolutely killing me.  Valentine's Day is just around the corner, and I hope I am able to share that day with him, but I know, it's a possibility that I may not.  Our anniversary is a little over a month away, and we may not even get to celebrate it together.  I look into my little boy's eyes, and I feel so blessed that I am his mommy, and that Pat is his daddy.  Yet with every look I am also reminded that his daddy may not be here to see all his milestones.  He may not get to hear his first real laugh.  He may not get to hear those first words, or watch him take his first steps.  It is absolutely heart-breaking.

I am so afraid to be alone.  It's just not fair.  I finally found that one person, in the whole entire world, that I want to spend the rest of my life with, and now he may be taken from me.  I hate it.  I hate cancer.

I feel so selfish.  I know if he passes away, he will be in a much better place.  He will be in heaven, with Jesus, and our Heavenly Father.  He will be in a place where there is no pain, no suffering, and no tears of sadness.  Yet I want him to stay here, with me, with our family.

For those of you that know Pat personally, I would encourage you to come see him.  You may not get the chance to again.  For those of you that don't know him,  I wish you did.  He is the most amazing person I have ever met.  He has the hugest heart, and is so strong, and courageous.  He has put up one heck of a fight, and I know he is tired.

I am begging you, please pray for my husband.  Please share this blog with anyone and everyone you know, and encourage them to do the same.  Maybe if God hears all of our cries, he will save my husband.   I still am hoping for that miracle....

I won't let go......

It's like a storm
That cuts a path
It's breaks your will
It feels like that

You think your lost
But your not lost on your own
Your not alone

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
If you can't cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it's dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we're too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
And you can't cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight

And I wont let you fall
Don't be afraid to fall
I'm right here to catch you
I wont let you down
It wont get you down
Your gonna make it
Yea I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
And you can't cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go
Oh I'm gonna hold you
And I wont let go
Wont let you go
No I wont

....................lyrics to 'I won't let go' by Rascal Flatts.  It's what my heart is singing tonight......

Video posted below.....

I am posting another update in just a few minutes, so please check that out.