Well today I went to the cemetery. It was the first time I have been there, since we buried him. I was scared to go, but I finally got up enough courage to go today. I bought three roses. One from me, one from Keegan, and one from Kayden. We also left three bite sized almond joy bars, those were his favorite. It was hard to be there. The last time I was there, his casket was still up in the air, on the lifting device. Today, obviously, all I saw was dirt. And it was muddy. It made me so sad to think he was under all that dirt. I was thinking, "Was he wet? Was he cold? I should have put a blanket in the casket with him." Then I remember, "Well duh, that's just his body in there. His soul is in Heaven." It's funny how my mind works now a days though. Complete scatterbrain.
I had to try to explain to my 5 year old today about the difference between your body, and your soul. I knew I would be taking him to the cemetery, and I didn't want him to be confused about how Pat could be in two places at once. Man, that was difficult. How do you explain, what a soul is, to a 5 year old? The only thing I could come up with, was that your soul is what's inside you. It's what makes you, you. So I told him that Pat's soul was with God, Jesus, and the angels, and that we buried his body. I told him that we were going to the cemetery, where his body was, to leave him some flowers, and talk to him. He said, "ok," but I could tell by the look on his face he was confused. Poor kid.
We got to the cemetery, and I told him he could talk to Pat if he wanted. He looked at me and said, "Mommy, where's Pat?" I said, "Well, honey, his body is under the dirt, in a box, called a casket. Remember the black and silver box Pat was in? Well that box is called a casket, and it's buried under this dirt. But Pat's soul, is in Heaven with God, and Jesus, and the angels." He said, "ok." Then he looked at the dirt waved, and said, "Hi Pat. (then paused) I love you Pat. (paused again) I miss you Pat." Then he looked at me and said, "Mommy, it's ok to cry?" I said, "Yes honey, if you are sad, it's ok to cry." He then turned around, and started walking towards the car.
There is kind of a cute story behind all of this. When Pat passed away, Keegan was with his biological dad. He didn't get back home until a couple of days before the funeral. So I sat him down, and told him that Pat had died, and he was with God and Jesus, and the angels. I knew he didn't understand, I could just see it in his eyes. The next few days, he asked, "Mommy, where's Pat?" I said, "Well, remember he died? He is with God, honey." A few days later he changed up his response a little, and answered his own question. He said, "Mommy, where's Pat? He's with God?" I responded, "Yes, he's with God, honey." This "responding to his own question" went on for the last couple of weeks. He asks about him at least a few times a day. The other day he came up to me, and said this, "Mommy, where's Pat? With God honey?" Haha! I didn't even know what to say to him! Oh gosh, he is so stinkin cute sometimes!
He repeats a lot of what I say to him. So, the other thing I told him, was that if he is sad, it's ok for him to cry. So now every time we are talking about Pat, he always reiterates to me, "It's ok to cry Mommy?" I say, "Yes, honey, it's ok to cry." I couldn't tell if he was crying today at the cemetery, or not. I do know that when he turned back around, after he walked towards the car, he was rubbing his eyes with his sleeve.
My youngest son, Kayden, who is 2 1/2 months old, is a pretty good baby. He has started sleeping through the night, and is now sleeping for about a 12 hour stretch at night. He is usually such a happy baby. He not only looks just like his Daddy, but he has his personality too! He is always smiling, and cooing, and just a pretty laid back baby. Well, Kayden was uncharacteristically fussy tonight. I started to miss my husband even more. I couldn't help but think, "Why are you not here helping me do this?! Where are you?!" I already hate being a single mom.
So I was reading through my last couple of posts, because to be quite honest with you, I could not remember what they said. After I type them out, I rarely remember what it was I typed about. I mainly read them, to try not to repeat myself too much. As I was reading through them, I looked over at the sidebar, and noticed under the archived posts, it has a category for each month, and a subcategory for each day of that month, and so on. It also has in parenthesis a number next to each month, to represent how many total posts were done in that month. I noticed all of this before, but what I noticed today, kind of took my breath away. Next to February was (14). Ugh. As if I don't think about it enough, it's even right there on my blog. A constant reminder. I'm sure most of you get the connection, but just in case you are lost, my husband passed away on February 14. So I am sitting there thinking, "Really?! I couldn't have done one more post in the month of February? Or one less? I had to do exactly 14? And I couldn't have noticed in February, so I at least could have changed it?" So now until next February, it's going to be like that. Great. Just Great.
