Wow, I am kind of speechless tonight. I just checked the total views on the blog tonight, and it's over 10,000 now. I never in a million years thought that many people would be reading this. I originally started this blog, to keep people informed. Mostly friends, and family. I wanted to keep people updated on how Pat was doing. Originally I was trying to do that via facebook, but with the character limits, it was difficult, to say the least. I had been thinking about doing a blog for a while, but had no idea how to even start one. I was urged by a few friends and family to start one, with a way for people to donate to our cause. So I looked into it, and 'Pat's Journey' was born. I just want to thank everyone who is following, and sharing, my story, even when I feel like I have no story left. Through the darkness, I can see glimmers of light, and through that light, I still see God working. Please continue to share, because I already see this going places, I never dreamed it would.
I only have a couple pictures of Pat displayed in my hotel room. Most of the pictures I have are either in storage, or are not yet printed out. One of the pictures I have, was given as a gift, from Pat's brother, and sister-in-law. It is a picture that was taken of the two of us, and his oldest daughter, Tasia, at his brother's wedding, which was only 2 weeks after our wedding. The other picture I have is one of the last pictures taken of Pat, before he passed away. I look at these pictures every day. I can't help but notice how sick he actually looked in the latter picture. I knew he lost a lot of weight, and was weak, among other things, but I never really noticed how sick he looked, when I was in his presence. I look at the picture, and don't remember him looking that bad. I guess maybe it was easy to see past that, when he was smiling all the time. His smile overpowered everything else. Man I sure do miss that smile.
In the weeks leading up to his death, I posted a few songs on the blog. One was dedicated to him, because it was the first song we danced to, as a married couple. There was a song by Rascal Flatts, called 'I Won't Let Go', that I also posted. When I posted it, it was a song that fit what my heart was singing. The main chorus is as follows:
Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go
Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I wont let go
Wont let you go
No I wont
I listened to this song again the other night. It was strange because as I was listening to it, the direction of the meaning to me, completely shifted. It now feels like he is singing it to me. Somewhat comforting.
So like I have mentioned before, my mind is so off track these days. I have thoughts spinning in my head all day long, my mind is never at ease. Yet when I go to write, they usually seem to vanish. So honestly, I have been literally 'taking notes', just to keep my mind on track.
As I mentioned in a previous post, I did change Pat's name on his facebook page. I have been thinking about changing other things as well. I think it would be nice to change the picture on his profile as well, to something that memorializes him in some way. As it stands right now, it is a picture he got off the web, that says, 'toast to the fam'. I would rather have it be a picture of him on there, with his bright smile. I just have been having a really hard time actually doing it. I can think about it all day long, but when it comes down to actually doing it, I don't have the heart. Part of me doesn't want to change it, because HE was the one who put it up there, and I don't want to take it down. I also know I need to update the blog in some ways, but again, I just don't have the heart to do it yet. It just brings it all back into the realm of reality again. I would much rather live in a fantasy world, where he is still here.
Speaking of facebook, I was browsing the other day. I can't remember exactly what I was looking at, but on the sidebar there was a new 'advertisement' that I had never noticed before. It said, 'Memorable Status Updates'. Who's status update was broadcast? Yup, you guessed it right. None other than my husband's. It kind of took my breath away, but was also nice to see something HE had actually posted.
I finally had to force myself to go back to the funeral home to pick up the death 'certificates'. I had been putting it off for weeks. I didn't want to see them. I knew it would make things, that much more real. That much more final. In order to file my taxes, I needed them. So I gained enough courage, and went to pick them up a few days ago. The strangest thing happened when we pulled into the parking lot. Let me back up a little. My oldest son, Keegan, has the most amazing memory. He is a very visual little boy. I think he overcompensates in some areas, because he was born with a mild hearing loss. I had only been to the funeral home two times, before I went to get the death certificates. My mom watched the boys on both occasions. The funeral was held at an alternative location. So I was a little shocked when we pulled into the parking lot, and Keegan said, "Mom, where's Pat?" I thought maybe it was just a coincidence (because he does ask about him often), but after telling him, "Remember, he's with God now, honey," he replied, "Pat's in there?" as he pointed toward the building. I didn't really even know how to respond. I don't know what was going through his mind, or what he saw that day to make him think that, but it was very strange, and completely caught me off guard. I am not sure if he noticed the sign, as we pulled in the parking lot, and remembered going to the funeral, or if it was something more than that. Either way, it kind of freaked me out a little.
I know people are, in some ways, afraid of me. I know death is kind of a taboo subject. I know people don't know how to approach me. I know people are afraid that something they say, will make me cry. I know people would just rather avoid me, than talk to me. And the ones that do talk to me, would rather avoid talking about Pat, than take the chance of making me cry. I just want to let everyone know, that first off, I am not a circus freak. I may be a little crazy at times, but you CAN talk to me. I also want to say that I would so much rather have people talk about Pat, than to just act like he never existed! Yes, it may make me cry, but I still want to hear your stories. You can't make me cry, the tears are already there, just under the surface. So please, don't try to shelter me, it only makes me more upset.
