So I am not even sure where to begin tonight. My mind is still in a whirlwind, and I have had so many different thoughts throughout the week, yet they all seem to vanish once my fingers hit the keyboard.
Well first things first. I know it has been a while since I last posted. The laptop that I was using was my Mom's, and it crashed. I wanted to get one of my own anyway, because I knew she would be taking her laptop back home with her. So yesterday, I bought a new one, with the help of my Momma, my Brother, and my Sister-in-law. So a big shout-out to them, I love you guys!
My main concern with the computer crashing, wasn't so much not being able to get online, but that all of my pictures are on that computer. I posted many of them to facebook, and can get those ones from there, but there were tons that I didn't post to facebook too. Tomorrow I am going to try to take the crashed computer to best buy. They can pull all of the files off that computer, and transfer them to my new computer. That's only if they haven't been wiped out already. So please pray they are still on there!
I have really been missing my husband today. These last couple of weeks have really been an emotional roller coaster. The last few months have been, but especially since he passed away. It's strange how one minute I can be 'ok'. I can think to myself that I am going to be alright, and we will see each other again. That although right now it seems like an eternity, when compared to an eternity, this life on earth, is a mere blink of an eye. Then literally, two minutes later, bam! I'm going the complete opposite direction. The smallest things will remind me of him, and it brings me sadness that he is no longer here to enjoy life along side of me.
This is probably going to sound silly because it's materialistic items, but here is an example. My husband loved to watch movies. He collected VHS tapes, when we lived in Billings. Mainly because we couldn't afford a very large collection of DVD's. So we would always go to garage sales, or to thrift stores. He would get so excited when he would come across VHS tapes, because they were fairly inexpensive, and we could afford for him to pick out a few each time. Over the past couple of years, we have collected probably close to a couple hundred. When we moved to Oklahoma, we didn't bring a TV or a VCR with us. We bought a cheap TV when we got there, and he brought his old XBOX with us, so we could play DVD's. So while we were down there, he would get used DVD's every now and then, and also got a few for Christmas. Also for Christmas, my Mom got us a new TV. It was a flat panel LCD TV. Neither of us had ever owned a nice TV, and his expression was priceless, when he opened the gift. I thought his jaw was going to hit the ground. He couldn't wait to watch his collection of movies, on this new TV. As I was thinking about this earlier, it occurred to me that he was so excited about this new TV, and now he doesn't even get to enjoy it with me. I know this sounds so silly, because it's a TV, and he is in Heaven, where there are much better things than TV's, but it still made me sad.
Here's another thing that crossed my mind earlier. I know this is probably going to sound even more silly than the TV. So my neighbors in Oklahoma, were gracious enough to pack up our entire trailer for us. (Thanks Shelley and Rachel!!) My Dad and my Brother, drove down to Oklahoma, and loaded it all into a U-Haul trailer, and hauled it back up to Billings. (Thanks Dad and Jason!) Earlier I was thinking about all the stuff we had. An iced-tea maker popped in my mind, and immediately the sadness came through.
My mom always drinks iced tea. She has the 'sweet tea' formulation down to a tee. We stayed with my Mom for about 2 weeks when we first moved down there, until we found our own place. Pat learned her 'recipe' in a short time, and was always making jokes about 'stealing her iced-tea maker'. So he also got that for Christmas, and was pretty excited about it. So as silly as it sounds, it made me sad that he wasn't still here to be able to enjoy iced-tea made from his own iced-tea maker.
The emotions I have felt recently, are, put quite simply: draining. I go from happiness (well maybe happiness isn't the right word, but I don't think "okayness" is really a word), to extreme sadness, to anger, to being upset, to being furious, to feeling disgusted, to being fearful, to being disappointed, and then they start back over again. I never even knew some of these emotions existed. The weird thing about it is, some of them, all come on at once. They don't just happen one by one, as I may be able to handle it that way. They all come simultaneously.
This really has been the weirdest experience of my life. I don't really know what to expect of my future, or what it holds for that matter. It scares me too much to really think about it. I know that right now, I am a single mother, and a widow at 26 years old. Not only does my future scare me, so does my present. I am a 26 year old widow. Just let that sink in for a moment, because it still hasn't sunken in for me yet. 26 years old. Remind me again, how did I end up here?
I'm sure this post doesn't flow well at all, and for that, I apologize. My mind races about 220 mph, and I can't ever keep up. I am a complete scatterbrain. Something will pop into my head, and before my fingers can reach the keyboard to let it all out, its gone. I cannot concentrate on the smallest tasks. I am always forgetting what I am doing, or why I am doing it. Probably a combination of the present circumstances, mixed with "mommy brain." Not a good combination, I am sure.
I have been planning a birthday party for my oldest son, Keegan. He will be five years old on the 3rd. Can't tell you what day of the week that falls on, because I don't think I even know what today is. That aside, it has been hard to plan, because I know my husband won't be here for it. It tears me up inside. I know it's only going to get worse from here.
I have also been trying to look for a place to live. We are still currently living in the hotel. I am stressing a little (ok, not a little, more like a lot), because I am not ready to go back to work. I don't know when I will be ready. I am sure most people think within a couple of months I should just be doing fine, and be ready to go back. I am sure if I was on the outside looking in, I would probably think the same thing. What I fear though, is that in a couple of months, I will be worse than I am today.
My mom has been staying with me, and helping me with the kids (Thanks Mom!) I honestly don't know what I would do without her. She will be leaving soon, and I will be completely on my own. Also, like I mentioned in a previous post, right now I miss him like I would expect to miss him, if he were on vacation. He hasn't been gone that long, and I know it is going to get harder before it gets any easier. So my biggest fear, is that while everyone is expecting me to be working forward, I will do a major backslide. So I am worried that I will get into a place, and be forced to go back to work, when I am not ready. I have been looking into low-income housing, but the waiting lists are horrifically long. So please pray that we will find something, soon.
This whole experience has brought out friendships that I never had with people. It's so strange to me, yet comforting at the same time. I have had so many people reach out to me and my boys, and I feel extremely blessed in that sense. Not just financially (although we have had that as well), but emotionally. I have formed friendships with people, that I hardly knew, or didn't know at all, before this. The weirdest part about these friendships, is that I hardly know anything about these people, yet I feel so close to them, and feel like I can talk to them. Most friendships, you get to know a person first, and based off their qualities, beliefs, and so on, you make a decision about whether or not you want to pursue friendship with that person. With these new found friendships I have gained, it has worked the opposite way. The more I learn about these people, the more I realize how much we have in common, but we started them backwards. It's like God put these people in my life, and said, "Here are your friends, lean on them." Instead of me choosing them, He did for me. I kind of like that.
Before I end, I would like to say thank you to anyone who has offered any type of support. Whether it was financial support, a card of sympathy, a hug, a smile, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, whatever it may have been, I want you to know I truly appreciate it. It really means a lot to me, that you have taken time out of your crazy hectic life, to show me and my family that you care.
Love,
Jen
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