Broken record....

Well today has been a hard day.  My mom, who has been staying with me, and helping me with the kids, left this morning, to go back to Arkansas, where she lives.  I know that without her here, I am going to be that much more lonely.  It's time for reality to kick in.  It's just me and my boys.  It sucks. 

I feel blessed that I at least got to spend a few weeks with her.  I am not sure how I would have survived without her help.  Now it's time for me to do it alone.  I wish she lived closer.  With gas prices sky-rocketing, I am sure we won't be able to see each other as often.  I have a lot of people here for support.  No one is quite the same as your momma though.  Also it's different because she was staying with me.  Here all the time.  Nobody else is always here.  Except me.  Alone. 

There's another part to my day that just made me want to scream.  Here is a little bit of background info first.  So Pat and I talked a few times, after Kayden was born, about trying to have another child.  Now, Kayden, was pretty much a miracle baby.  They told us, Pat would most likely be sterile, after going through chemotherapy.  We got pregnant the night of our wedding, only a couple of months before he started chemotherapy.  Kayden was a miracle.  Even though he was a miracle, we still talked about trying again.  Beating the odds.  The last conversation we had about it though, he had wanted to wait.  He didn't want me to be pregnant, and have to take care of him, while we went out on these trials.  He didn't want the added stress on my shoulders (always thinking of everyone else, that was my husband!)   
I was talking to my Mom the other day about it, and I told her I so badly wanted to be pregnant, and with his little girl.  I told her how I had regretted not pushing the subject more, because at the time, I just went along with it, even though I actually did want to try.  I know it probably sounds crazy because Kayden is only 2 1/2 months old now, but I wanted a little girl.  So, here I was, praying that by some miracle of God, I could have gotten pregnant.  Well, today, the news came.  My auntie, "Flo", came for an unexpectedly expected visit today, the day my mom left.  My heart hit the floor.
I do realize that I sound like a mad woman right now.  But I wanted another piece of him to live on.  I do understand on the logical side of things, that another child, would be more added stress.  I also understand it would have been the hardest pregnancy and birth, emotionally, of my life.  But all of those negatives didn't matter to me.  I still wanted it so badly.  And now it's vanished into thin air.  I hate you auntie "Flo."

Honestly, I can't believe I just wrote that last paragraph.  A little mortifying that I am telling the world about my monthly cycles, actually.  There is probably some guy out there asking his wife, "Huh, I wonder why her auntie "Flo" would have anything to do with her finding out she is not pregnant?  How would she know?"  Hope at least a few of you smiled at that.

Today I changed Pat's facebook name.  That was a hard step to take.  I had been thinking about it for a while, but could never bring myself to actually follow through with it.  I would log into his account (which I do often), but always back out of it, before I actually changed it.  Then last week, I tried to do it, and once I had it all in there, I clicked 'save changes' and it popped back with an error message.  It said there were too many words.  Relief.  Weird, I know, but it was almost a relief to know I couldn't change it.  I remembered, before Pat passed away, seeing another memorial facebook account, and today I did a search for 'in loving memory.'  The results came back, and I looked at a few of them to see how they changed it.  I figured out that if I put dashes between the words, it might accept it.  So tonight that's what I did.  I almost hoped that it wouldn't work.  But it did.  So his facebook account is no longer Patrick Nave.  It's In-Loving Memory-Of Patrick Nave.  Gulp.

Our living situation is still stressing me out.  We are still living in a hotel.  Thankfully it's not a nasty hotel or anything like that.  Actually Pat's Aunt, Cindy, owns it, and put us in an apartment style suite, and it's very nice.  Luckily, she hasn't ever asked for a dime for us staying here, but we do have to figure something out by the end of this month.  She has it rented out for 6 months.  So I have been desperately trying to figure out what to do.  With limited funds, it makes that decision even harder.  It's not the initial financial upset, that scares me.  It's a couple months down the road that does.  Right now, I have enough to get into a place.  I can't remember if I posted about this before or not, but what worries me, is that I think most people are going to expect me to be moving in a positive direction in a couple of months, and expect me to start working again.  That very well could be the case.  I could be ready.  Then again, I could not.  That's what scares me.  The unknowns.

From the outside looking in, I'm sure it looks like I am doing ok.  And I guess maybe that's a good thing.  But the reality of it, is that on the inside I feel like I have nothing left.  I feel completely empty.  I try not to cry in front of people, because I know it makes things awkward.  I start feeling the emotions come on, and I try to sidetrack my thoughts.  It usually works.  How long it will work for, I am not sure. 
Today was the first day I have been pretty much all alone.  It was a hard day (especially coupled with the rest of today's happenings.)  I didn't even get out of my pajamas today.  I think to myself, if I didn't have these two boys to take care of, I don't know how I would do this.  It would make it that much harder to want to get out of bed in the mornings.  Right now, I am pretty much forced to get out of bed, to take care of them.  But without them, I am pretty sure I would stay in bed for, well weeks probably.  I just really have no motivation.

I have dreamed of him a few times now.  Not quite the dreams I was hoping to have.  Not really anything like a nightmare, well the nightmare comes when I wake up.  I dream that he comes back as a ghost, and everyone can see him.  I think people are going to think I am crazy, so I try to talk to him softly, or try not to stare at him, yet I find it impossible.  Then I realize that everyone else can see him too.  I am not sure why this is a disappointing dream to me, because I am really not sure what I want out of the dreams.  I guess just to feel him again.  To hug him, and kiss him, and touch him, and have him hold me again.

We had a birthday party for Keegan on Saturday.  His actual birthday was on Thursday.  The party wasn't quite so bad.  My mind was occupied with screaming kids.  Thursday was hard though.  I didn't really think it would be, but once it was here, it kind of hit me like a ton of bricks.  It was the first 'holiday' that we were going to celebrate, without Pat.  And it sucked. 
Our one year anniversary is coming up on the 27th, and I cannot even imagine what that day is going to be like.  My eyes well up with tears, just thinking about it.  It just makes me so mad that we won't be able to celebrate that day together.  We were both so excited, and looking forward to it.  Why not just a couple more months?  Why on Valentine's Day for crying out loud?  I get angry often these days.  Just thinking about it all, makes my mind go crazy.  The other day, I was home by myself, and I broke down in tears, and started screaming.  I kept yelling, "Why?!  Where are you?!  Why aren't you here with me?!  Why did you leave?!  You promised you would never leave me!  And yet you are gone now!"  Wow, just typing that, I think I just re-lived it all over again, because the tears started flowing again.  I am just so angry.  Not really at him, not really at God.  Just angry.  I want him back.  This wasn't supposed to end up this way.  We were supposed to grow old together.  It's just not fair.

I thought about posting a few different times this week, but didn't.  I feel like I am just a broken record.  I am sure sooner or later (if it hasn't happened already), people are going to get bored with reading this blog, because I keep posting about the same thing.  It feels somewhat therapeutic to get all of this off of my chest, but at the same time, I feel like I just keep repeating the same things over and over again.  Broken or not, it's the record of my heart.  I just miss my husband.  End of story.