I have never felt so lost.....

Today has been a weird day.  I have never felt so lost in my life.  I don't know where to turn, or where to go.  I know this road is going to be a long hard one. 

I know it hasn't fully sunk in yet.  Every time I think about him being gone, I get the hugest knot in my stomach.  I hit that damn brick wall every time.  It's like my mind won't grasp around reality, so I have to keep going through it all over again. 

I hate this 'new' life, because he's no longer in it.

Today I looked into a young widows online support group.  An old friend recommended it.  I thought it would be a good thing, and I think eventually it will be.  Some of it is comforting, to know I am not alone in going through this.  To know there are others out there, around my age, that have suffered the loss of their spouse.   On some level it is comforting to know that these people do move forward, not necessarily on, but forward.  But (oh, yes, there is always a but) it is also so hard for me to read some of these posts, about people moving forward.  It seems so unattainable at this point, that it makes it worse.  It makes me more sad. 

I think eventually I will be able to read these posts, and feel good about them.  Right now, it's just too much to take in.  Too much, at one time.  I'm sure my opinions will change, maybe even from day to day.  I think that is part of the healing process.  But things like, when to take your rings off, don't even seem like options right now.  They don't seem like something I even want to do.  Ever.  I have read that this is part of the grieving process, and I'm not sure if that's comforting or not.  Apparently it is normal to not want to let go of anything at this point, and eventually it will be something that I will let go.  That's what scares me.  I don't want to ever want to let go of any of it.  I sleep with his coat, every night.  I don't want to one day, not want to sleep with it. 

Plain and simply put, I just miss my husband.  I want him back.  Now.  I want this pain to go away.  Now. 

I guess I thought that two or three months from now, it would be starting to get easier.  From what I read today, that is when it only begins.  It's not until 6 months that it starts to get easier, and for many people 'healing' doesn't fully begin anywhere from 2-5 years.  Years.  If it's this hard, at only a week out, what will it be like in a month?  Or two?  Or four?  Or on the one year mark?  At this point, he could just have gone away for a vacation.  That's what missing him would feel like, since it's only been a week.  So how am I going to handle this, when it really sinks in, and when he's been gone for a while?  I am a wreck as it is.  The future is utterly terrifying to me. 

I didn't want to do anything today.  I stayed in my pajamas for most of the day.  I had to force myself to take a shower.  I don't want to leave the house, and I know it will only get worse from here.  I was just utterly lost.  In the previous days, I had 'something to look forward to'.  Not that I actually looked forward to burying my husband, but all the details kept my mind occupied.  Now it's all over, and my mind is starting to wander.  The "what ifs" are eating my mind alive.  I cannot concentrate on even the simplest tasks.  Even while I am writing this tonight, I am losing my train of thought.  I literally have to keep going back, to figure out what I was writing about.  Something will pop in my head, but I forget within a matter of a few seconds.  I feel like I am a two year old again.  I have no attention span.  I can't help but wonder, how I am going to do this on my own.  How am I going to be able to function?  When everyone else 'goes back to normal', and I am still stuck in neutral.  I have two little boys to take care of, and right now I have help, and it's still hard, and I'm hardly doing anything.  What will this be like when I am really on my own?  Especially to think that I haven't even hit the hardest part yet, and that's when I will have only myself to count on.

I also cannot get the 'whys' out of my head.  Why him?  Why me?  Why us?  We were just starting our lives out together.  We hadn't even made it a year yet.  So close.  Why Valentine's Day?  Why?

When I took my vows, I took them seriously, and I took them thinking, "Till MY death does us part."  Not his.  So where am I supposed to go from here?

When I signed up for an account through the widow support group, it asked me a question.  "Was your spouse's death expected, or sudden?"  I couldn't help but think, "Well it was suddenly expected, and does it matter?"  Does it somehow make it easier that in the back of my mind, this could be the end result of this?  Well, the answer is a clear and resounding, NO!  I honestly never thought it would play out like this.  I thought some treatment would work.  I had hope.  Unfortunately it did happen, and now I'm the one stuck in the mud, trying to pull myself out.  But it's not mud, it's quicksand.  The more I fight, the deeper I go.  Even the last couple of days, when we did pretty much know this was the end, knowing didn't make it any easier.  It was the most traumatic thing I have ever watched play out before my eyes.  Did I get to have some talks with him, that I may not have gotten if it would have been unexpected?  Yes.  Does that make it any easier to deal with? No!  I had to sit back, helplessly, and watch my husband struggle for air.  I watched him take his last breath, as it felt like I was suddenly the one struggling to breathe.  I fell to his shoulders, and started sobbing.  Shaking my head in disbelief of what had just occurred before my eyes.  It was not pretty, and now those are the images that are ingrained in my mind.  They pop in suddenly, and overtake my thoughts.  It feels like someone punches me in the gut, every time.  And that's when I go through it all over again.  Trying to make sense of it all.  And none of it ever makes any sense.  I just want to scream, and yell, and scream some more.

The happiness has been getting to me lately.  Not so much from my friends and family, but from people I don't know.  I see them walking with smiles, and it just irritates me.  I think mostly because I envy them.  I hate the fact that I used to be so happy.  I used to love my life, and now it's turned into hatred.  I fear that it will turn into bitterness, and I don't want to be bitter.  I see it on facebook, people just going about their everyday lives, like nothing has happened.  And to most of them, nothing has, so really I expect nothing more.  But for me, my whole world has been turned upside down, and it's so hard to see other people living normal lives.  Don't get me wrong, I am not saying I don't notice people stepping up, and being there.  Because I most definitely do.  I have had people contact me that I haven't talked to in years.  People I don't even know, have offered their hand of support.  And I am grateful.  But nothing takes the pain away.  Nothing.  And it just hurts to see people, happy and normal.  Especially when I am depressed, and my life has become so unexpectedly abnormal.  I think it irritates me so much, because I was there once.  My status updates used to be oh so casual, like the majority of people.  And I just so badly want to be back where I was.  I miss my old life, the one that had him in it. 

I want to dream of him.  In the most recent months, we talked on the phone a lot.  He would be in the hospital, and I would be at home, or at the hotel.  Every night before we got off the phone, we would say goodnight.  After our I love you's,  he would say, "Dream of me."  I would respond, "Ok, babe, I'll meet you in my dreams."  I so badly right now want to meet him in my dreams, yet they will not come.  Instead I'm stuck in a nightmare, I call it my life.  I wouldn't wish this 'life' on my worst enemy.  Total and utter despair.  The only words I can use to describe it.