I feel numb......

Today was an ok day.  I feel numb.  I don't know what to do.  I feel lost.  It hasn't sunk in yet.  I'm not sure when it will, but I know it's gonna hit me like a ton of bricks, when it does.  I think once the madness calms down, and everyone goes back to 'normal', and I am alone with only my thoughts....that's when it will hit me.

I keep waiting for the phone to ring,  waiting to hear his voice again.  Waiting for him to pop out, and laugh, and tell me it was all just a big joke.  He always loved to scare me!  And although I find myself fantasizing about it, I know that's not going to really happen. 

When I was pregnant with Kayden, Pat recorded a message to our son.  I got out the video camera and watched it today.  I thought I was going to break down, and cry my heart out.  Instead, I laughed, and smiled, and it was good.  It was so wonderful to be able to hear his voice again, and see his beautiful smile.  Even though the video was directed towards our son, it was still the same fun-loving, jovial Pat we all know and love, and I plan on trying to play it at the service.

Today I bought a few things.  I bought Pat a new hat.  I also bought him a clinging cross.  I found this originally at the hospital gift shop in Oklahoma.  My mom, Keegan, Kayden, and I, all gave it to him as a gift.  We gave it to him before he fell into a coma, but he was so out of it, he didn't realize what we had given him.  When he came out of the coma, he never put it down.  If you have never seen one before, I encourage you to google it.  They are pretty amazing.  It is a hand-held cross, that feels like it was made to fit your hand, no matter what your size.  When we left Oklahoma to come back to Billings, I didn't think about packing it.  I thought we would be gone for a week.  Pat had mentioned it, while he was in the hospital, and I looked in the giftshop, but they did not carry them.  I hadn't had a chance to look anywhere else, but saw it fitting to get one for him.  So today I went to the Berean Book Store, and I bought one.  He will be buried 'clinging' to the cross.  I also bought myself a necklace, with a 'mini clinging cross', and I put his two rings on it.  The rings are meant for Kayden and Keegan, when they are old enough to understand.  Until then, they will be near my heart.

I will be posting pictures on here soon.  I just have to create a few albums, when I find the time.  Until then, I have posted a new album on facebook, with pictures of him.  Please feel free to check them out.  If you are not my 'friend' on facebook, feel free to add me.  Please put something in the message box though, so I don't think it's spam, and not add you.

We will meet with the funeral home tomorrow, and discuss the arrangements.  I will keep everyone posted as to when and where it will be held.  If not on this blog, then on facebook.  And of course there will be an obituary in the paper, with the details as well.  I hope those of you that he has touched will be there.  He never truly knew how deeply loved, and cared about he was.  He always used to ask me, "How many people do you think will be at my funeral?"  My answer was always, "A ton, my love."  I don't think he ever really believed me, until the end.  So many of you poured out your love to him.  I thank you for that.  Even if he didn't know in the end, he will know on the day of his funeral, when he is watching from above.  He will see that I was right, a ton of people, will be at his funeral.  

I miss him so.  I feel so empty inside.  I cannot even imagine what this will be like when I come to the realization that he is gone, for good.  Every time I think about it, I get a huge knot in my stomach, and feel like I can't breathe.  I just want him back.  Back in my arms.