Well today was the hardest day of my life. I know tomorrow won't be any easier, and it will only get worse from here. I have a long, hard day ahead of me, so I can't write much. I wanted to share a letter that I wrote for Pat. I placed it in the casket with him, and also read it aloud at the funeral. For those of you that weren't able to be at the service, I wanted to share it with you as well.
Dear Pat,
You are the love of my life, and I still cannot believe you are gone. I cannot wrap my mind around never being able to touch you again, or hold you, or kiss you. Everyone keep asking me how I am doing. Well truth be told, I am not ok. I have lost my best friend. You were the one who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. You were the one person I could tell anything to. My rock. And now your life has come to an end, yet I feel as if mine has too. You still hold my heart, and now it is shattered into a million pieces. The future holds nothing but uncertainties, and I am so scared to do this on my own. I am so scared to be alone. I miss you so. I feel so empty inside.
You were the most loving and caring person I have ever met, and you had the hugest heart. Many people have said that I changed your life. But the truth is, you eternally changed mine. You showed me what it was like to be unconditionally loved. You showed me the meaning of true love. You made me laugh, and knew exactly when I needed to. You had that sparkle in your eye, and it melted my heart.
You are the most amazing person I have ever met. I admired you for your courage, and strength. You admired the little kids who had Leukemia, and other childhood cancers. You always wondered how they kept smiling. Yet you never saw the similarities. You were just like those children. No matter how much pain you were in, you always wore a smile. I miss that smile.
I know you are in a better place. You are finally free of pain. You are at peace. Yet that doesn’t make the pain in my heart any less. And I feel guilty for wanting you back. Back in my arms.
I look into Kayden’s eyes, and I feel so blessed to be his mommy. Although with every look, it is a constant reminder, and it breaks my heart to know that you will not be around to watch him, or any of the kids, grow up. Just know, I will make sure Kayden will grow up knowing who you are. And Keegan will grow up remembering you. I promise.
Music was a huge part of your life. You were always listening to some kind of music. You had no bias, you listened to it all. And I know it’s you sending me songs, of love. I hear them on the radio, and I think of you.
You always were the life of the party. Always trying to make someone laugh, or at least smile. Always clowning around. All the memories, they keep flooding back to all of us, like they happened yesterday. Silly stories like the dime story, when you were a kid, to when you always poked fun at me for being on the phone. I know that’s you. Sending all the memories back. You are just trying to make us all smile once again.
You always said when you were cancer free, we were going to celebrate. Well now you are cancer free, and we will celebrate. We will celebrate your life, and we will celebrate that you are where we all long to be one day. In heaven.
I know you are looking down on us now, smiling. I can’t wait to be with you again, and although it seems like an eternity away, I know it will be soon enough, in perfect timing. When that day comes, I know you will be waiting at the gates, next to Jesus, shining your bright smile, and I will be at peace, at home, at last.
I also want you to know that I will honor you, as my husband. I will do what you said, and what we talked about many, many late nights. Trust me when I say, I will not let your courageous fight be in vein.
My heart aches, and I long to feel your warm embrace, to be held by you once again. I love you, and I always will. You will forever be missed, and there will always be a piece of me gone. My life will never be the same. You will forever be in my heart, and on my mind. You will never be forgotten, my Valentine.
Just remember, this is not goodbye, my love, it’s I’ll see you soon. I love you, more.
Love,
Your wife,
Jen
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