I am afraid to go to sleep.....

Well nothing too drastic has changed since my last post.  They have upped his pain medication a few times today.  He has a PCA pump, so he is on a continuous drip of dilaudid, but also can push the button every 15 minutes to administer a boost to himself.  His pain levels were much better today.

His family and I talked to the doctors today, and came to the consensus that we will just let this disease take it's course.  He will not be put on any form of life support, or be resuscitated if he were to stop breathing.  He doesn't need to be in pain, or continue to suffer.  And although Pat wouldn't give us all a black and white answer, I feel like this is what he wants.  Although I feel like we all made the right choice, it does not make it any easier.  It's a pretty tough pill to swallow.

I had to tell my husband today, that although I don't want him to go, I understand that if he is tired, he can.  I had to tell him, it was 'ok'.  Even though on the inside, I am not 'ok', and don't feel like I am going to ever be 'ok'.  My life will never be the same again.  I know people say that it gets easier with time, but right now, that's impossible for me to envision.

There is a man we met a few months back.  His name is Tom.  We had a going away/fundraiser dinner before we left to go to Oklahoma, and we met him that night.  His wife was also going through cancer at the time, and was in another city getting treatments, while he was here, working.  When we came back a few weeks ago, and had the get together dinner, he just happened to be there.  In the time we were gone, he had lost his wife.  When I heard this, my heart ached for the man.  I hardly knew him, yet I wept for his sadness.  I could see it in his bright blue eyes.  I knew it was a possibility I would be in his shoes one day.  Yet I did not want to believe it would be this soon. 

I am afraid to go to sleep tonight, because I am afraid when I wake up, he will not be here...