So it's been a while since I last posted. Actually it's been a little over three months. There are several factors that play into why I haven't. Firstly, I was busy moving and getting settled into our new home. Second, I just kind of got out of the habit of blogging. And lastly, and possibly most importantly, I had been away for so long, that I was scared to relive any of the feelings I felt, when I posted a few months ago. My intuition was correct. Not only have I not blogged in over three months, but, I haven't even been back to this site in almost as long. As soon as I logged on tonight, a flood of emotions ran through. I read through my last couple posts, and I started to relive it all. The tears started to flow. I actually had to take a breather before I started tonight, it was just too much to handle.
To be completely honest, for the most part, I am doing ok these days. I am doing ok these days because I block everything out. I know it's probably not the best way to deal with grief, and one day I'm sure it'll sneak up on me. But for now, it's the only way I know how to get through each day. Don't get me wrong, I think about Pat every second of the day, but when it comes to FEELING anything, I try my best to not let it in. I will purposefully sidetrack my thoughts. For the most part, it works. There are still moments where I am overcome with sadness, and anger, and disbelief. Mostly disbelief. I still can't believe this has really happened. When I do think about things, my thoughts always boil down to...how is this possible? He was JUST here. We were JUST saying our vows. We were JUST in the hospital together, while he was going through chemotherapy. We were JUST leaving for Oklahoma. We were JUST in the hospital welcoming our new son into the world. We were JUST celebrating Christmas together. So if he was JUST here, then how is he all of the sudden gone? These thoughts travel my mind, and never settle. They get pushed away, but they always find their way back, and bounce around the walls of my mind. I will see a picture, and it will bring back a memory. That memory seems like it just happened, and the cycle continues.
One of the most unexpected things for me to deal with so far, is the awkwardness of it all. Most people really don't know what to say. I get that. As awkward as it may be for someone that knows my situation, I now dread talking to people I either haven't seen in a long time, or when meeting new people. They have no idea what is going on in my life, no idea what happened, so they inadvertently ask questions, and uncomfortable and awkward is the answer.
For the most part we are moved into our new house. I have tried my best to make it a home, and I hope Pat would be proud. I bought an older trailer, and while it's not glitz and glamour, it'll do for now. With the help of a few good friends and the support of family, we pretty much completely remodeled the inside. Before we started it was all depressing, brown paneling, and dirty dingy carpet. Now all the walls are bright white, and there is fresh new clean carpet for the kids to play on. I painted one wall in the living room, black and red, with white trim. It was my dedication to my husband. Our wedding colors were red and white. Last year, a couple of months after we got married, Pat got one of our wedding pictures framed. I was working at Hobby Lobby at the time. He would come in almost every day to see me, or bring me a coffee, and chat with some of my co-workers. He developed relationships with some of them over time. Without me finding out about it, he had our custom frame shop frame one of our wedding pictures. Even though I was clueless, almost all my co-workers knew. I'll never forget the day I found out. By this time I was the head of the scrapbooking department. His ultimate plan was to come back to my department and surprise me with it, but his plans were foiled when I got called up to the front. We were busy, so I was called up to help at the registers. He was attempting to pay. Luckily, I was oblivious, and didn't even notice him in the other line. After he was finished, he got in my line. After the madness died down, I looked up and he was standing there with this large wrapped object. He walked forward, and said, "Excuse me miss, I need to pay for this," with that huge grin on his face. I unwrapped it, and tears came to my eyes. It was beautiful. He did an amazing job picking out the colors of the matting. All of my co-workers knew what was going on, so they all started cheering. It's a moment that to this day, brings tears of joy. This picture was my inspiration for my red and black wall. The picture was still in storage when I picked out the paint colors, so I know Pat was there with me, because the color is almost dead on. This house has been a lot of work, but it looks amazing compared to what it was when I first started. I hope he would be proud.
As nice as it is to have my own place again, my instincts were right when I thought it would be bittersweet. I am not supposed to be living here alone. He was supposed to be here, and we were supposed to be doing this together. Each box that I unpacked were full of memories. Even boxes full of dishes. You wouldn't think any tears would come from opening a box full of dishes, but they did. All I could think of is, "these were the dishes we ate off of in Oklahoma", and then my thoughts would go to, "We were JUST in Oklahoma." It was a struggle to get unpacked to say the least. I am mostly unpacked, but I will admit I have a few boxes to go. Some of it is Pat's stuff, but most of it I just don't know where to put it. Odds and Ends.
It was a little strange unpacking some of his belongings. I didn't know what to do with them. Most people after they lose a spouse, have to go back to the home they once shared. I think in that sense, I was blessed to not have to deal with that. I didn't have to go back to a home WE once shared and live in it ALONE. On the other hand, those people can just leave their spouses belongings, until they are ready to go through them. I wasn't ready to go through them, and I am still not ready. So there I was, hanging up his shirts. Folding his pants, and putting them in the drawer. Knowing he wasn't ever coming home, but I didn't want to just keep it in boxes. So I felt like I was pretending he was still here. It was a strange feeling.
One thing I wasn't prepared for was his scent going away. I knew it would happen sooner or later, but I never imagined it would happen so fast. I was dreading the day his coat stopped smelling like him, and that day has long passed. I now only have the cologne he wore often, but I have nothing left that actually still smells like HIM. I guess I assumed it would stick around for months. It faded around the two month mark.
Pat's birthday was on the 4th of June. It was a hard day. A group of close friends and family gathered to celebrate his life. I rented a helium tank, and got some black and silver balloons (he loved the Raiders). We all wrote messages to him, and the kids drew pictures. We put them inside the balloons, and at the end, we released them all to Heaven. It was a pretty cool thing to watch. I hope he enjoyed them.
The boys and I have visited his grave several times in the last (almost) five months. His parents have since, put up a nice headstone. It is supposed to be a temporary one, until I can come up with enough money to purchase a double headstone. It looks nice, and I think he would like it, but it is hard to see it there. It makes it all that much more permanent. I look down and see the dates, and I just shake my head in wonder. It just doesn't seem real. There is now grass growing where there once was dirt. Every time I go, the grass that grows hits me like a ton of bricks. "Wow, has it really been long enough for grass to be growing?"
For the most part my life has boiled down to nothing but dates and numbers. I dread the holidays. I dread all the "firsts" I have to go through alone. I had something to look forward to for a while, when I was buying my house. That's all done and over. Now it's back to reality.
