A change in the address book.....

Well I can say I am glad the 14th is finally over with.  Forever, I will hate that number.  14. 
I did go over to a friends house, and had a few good laughs.  I think it was good to keep my mind off of things, but at the same time it was still hard.

I talked a little bit before about the 'new found' friendships I have encountered along the way, and they still seem to amaze me.  I've read that your 'address book' changes a lot when you lose your spouse, and boy were they right!  Not only have people started to thin out, but I also gained some new friends, that I never expected to.

I want to talk a little about a couple of these 'new friends'.  First I'd like to introduce you to E and T.  They are a married couple, who we were friends with before Pat passed away.  Pat knew them before I did, and we all hung out a couple of times.  They came and showed their support, at both of the dinners we had.  We kept in contact, mainly through facebook, and although we weren't super close, Pat and I both knew, we could count on them for anything.  Two nights before Pat passed away, I knew he was getting closer and closer, and I knew it was also T's birthday party.  I was a little conflicted, because I didn't want to ruin the party, but I also didn't want to call too late.  I decided to call.  They both came up to the hospital, that night, no questions asked.  After Pat passed away, I immediately (ok, maybe not immediately, because honestly, I probably didn't think about any of this stuff until I was forced to) thought of E, to be one of the Pall Bearers.  He graciously accepted.  These two people have really made an effort to be here for me.  T calls or texts me all the time, just to see how I am.  Most of the time, I am a wreck, but she always tries to make me smile.  They both have awesome senses of humor, and make me laugh so hard sometimes, that my gut literally hurts.  The more I get to know both of them, the more I cherish the friendships we have formed.  I love these two.

Next I would like to introduce, A and C.  They too, are a married couple, who were friends with Pat, before I was in his life.  And like E and T, they weren't super close friends.  C and Pat would talk occasionally, mostly through text messages I believe.  C is a musician, and Pat found a lot of comfort and strength in listening to his music.  In fact, Pat requested that one of C's songs, be played at his funeral.  In the last months of my husband's life, he listened to that CD over and over again.  He would play it mostly in the car, and now I know that CD almost inside and out.  Even when we got back to Billings, he would lay in the bed, at the hotel, and play the CD on the mini DVD player, and just listen to it over and over.  Especially the song he wanted played at his funeral.  I knew Pat and C were never best friends, but because he found so much hope, or comfort, or whatever it was he found in that music, I thought it was fitting to also ask C to be a Pall Bearer.  He also graciously accepted.
I had only been introduced to A and C once.  It was about 2 years ago, at the fair.  I think we talked to them for maybe a minute or two, and both went our separate ways.  Still hardly knowing me, they have both welcomed me into their home, with open arms.  I cherish the friendship I have formed with A, and the more I learn about her, the more I feel connected.  She also makes me laugh whenever given the opportunity.  I love these two as well. 
I now find myself, listening to that CD over and over again, because it makes me feel closer to Pat.  It also brings back memories, sometimes that's a good thing, and other times it can cause me to break down.

I didn't name names, because I wasn't sure if they wanted to be called out.  Those of you that are close, probably know who I am referring to.  E and T, and A and C, you know who you are, and I want you to know that I love you guys, and thank you for everything you have done, and are doing.  Thank you for being there, I want you to know I truly appreciate it.  Thank you for all the laughs.  Even though I feel like I am going through hell on earth, you guys still manage to get a giggle out of me, and I appreciate it.  I also know Pat would be proud to call you all his friends.  He would also be proud that you guys are trying so hard to take care of his wife.


I want to thank everyone who has shown me support in the last few weeks.  While I may not have mentioned you specifically tonight, please don't think it's because you aren't important to me.  My memory is crazy these days.  I was going to call out some other people, but the more I thought about it, I figured somewhere in the mix, I would inevitably forget someone.  Then that someone would feel left out, and hurt.  So I am not going to do that.  The people mentioned above, were on my heart tonight, and that's why I wrote about them.  So like I said, please don't take offense, or think I don't notice the efforts, because I most definitely do.  Thank you.

Here is a fear I have had on my mind recently.  I know people go back to their normal lives, after something like this happens.  I get it.  I will be stuck here, trying to figure out what normal is.  I have read, like I mentioned above, that my 'address book' will change.  I will find friends that I didn't know I had, and I will get rid of ones that I thought would be there.  I have already noticed some that have slightly fallen away.  I expected that.  I know people are busy with their own lives.  Here's what I am afraid of though.  It's all still pretty new, it's only been a month.  People realize that, and are really putting the effort into being here for me.  What will it be like at the 3 month mark?  How many will stick around?  How many will go back to their normal lives, and forget about my abnormal one?  What about at 6 months?  This has been something that has been bothering me for the last week or so.  I just hope everyone doesn't disappear, or at least all at once. 
I had to snicker to myself a little bit, after re-reading that paragraph.  I know there will be a small handful of people that will be calling me tomorrow, wondering if they are going to be 'blacklisted' from my 'address book'.  And when they do, at least I can smile, and know they still care.

St. Patrick's Day is coming up, and I am dreading it.  It was one of Pat's favorite holidays.  He loved corned beef and cabbage.  Two years ago, on St. Patrick's Day, I asked him to test drive a car for me.  It was a manual transmission, and I didn't know how to drive one.  He drove it off the lot, and we took it to a quiet neighborhood, where he proceeded to try to teach me how to drive it.  I think we both laughed so hard that our stomachs hurt afterword.  I ended up purchasing the car, and we went to a concert together later that night.  We didn't have time between buying the car, and seeing the concert, to get him some corned beef and cabbage, and he never let me live that down!  At least this year, he did get some corned beef and cabbage.  One of his closest childhood friends, brought him a plate, right before he went into the hospital.  It still breaks my heart, he won't be here to celebrate one of his favorite holidays.

As I was typing that last paragraph, it dawned on me, I think I will dread every holiday from here on out.  He will no longer be here with me, to celebrate them.  How long will this feel so unbearable?   

I really do hate how my mind works now a days.  I am a complete scatterbrain.  Before I can type the words, they vanish from my thoughts.  Yet in a split second a simple spark will set my mind on fire, and I remember something about him, or us, and the memories come flooding back like they happened yesterday. 
I hate how my whole world has been turned upside down, and I am now more sensitive to things that wouldn't have bothered me before.  Everything reminds me of him, and of the life I once had.  I can't even watch cartoons anymore.  Even on the cartoons widowhood and death is portrayed, and it just reminds me once again, that he is gone.  Everywhere I look, I see couples.  I see normal people, living normal lives.  I see normal families, and it hurts, because I know I will never have that again.  At least not the way I want it.  Even as much as I cherish these new friendships I mentioned, it is still hard at the same time.  They have what I don't anymore.  Each other. 

Signs......

Well I should probably be in bed right now, but my mind is racing, so of course sleep is eluding me once again.  Tomorrow it will be one month.  One month, since I lost the love of my life.  I hate this. I miss him more and more with each passing day, and most days, I don't know how to make it to the next.   I have done nothing today but think about it.  Well that's everyday, but today was even worse.  Usually those 'special' dates, you celebrate.  We celebrate birthdays.  We celebrate holidays.  We celebrate anniversaries.  But not these kind of anniversaries.  Just thinking about it, gives me this huge knot in my stomach.  

It's so strange, because on one hand, I miss him so much, that it seems like it's been longer than a month, in fact it seems more like an eternity.  On the other hand, I can't believe he has been gone a month already.  It seems like just yesterday, we were boarding planes to get back to Montana.  It seems like just yesterday, we were talking and laughing with all of our friends and family at the 'get together dinner' we had.  It seems like just yesterday, I was shuffling the kids back and forth between the hospital and the hotel.  It seems like just yesterday, he was here.

Last night I was reading through some posts written by other young widows, when I came across the topic of 'signs'.  They all shared some of the different signs their husbands/wives had sent them over the last few months, or years.  Some of them were subtle, and some of them were very obvious.  It made me think about all the signs that I have experienced over the past month, and I thought it would be fitting to share them.

The first one that happened occurred the night he passed away.  My Mom was staying in the hotel with me, and my brother had brought her luggage in.  He put it in the closet.  In the hotel, there are little metal 'door stoppers' that hold the bedroom door open.  Later that night, I went to prop the door open, and I could not find the metal door stopper.  We moved all her suitcases from the closet, looked inside the closet, tore the hotel room apart, looking for that stupid door stopper.   I looked everywhere.  My mom looked everywhere, and we could not find it.  We finally just asked the maid the next day, if we could have an extra one.  It really was driving me crazy though, because we searched from top to bottom, and in the most unlikely places, to no avail.  The other day, I went to prop open the door again, and as I looked down, there were TWO door stoppers.  I about fell over.  Where did it come from?!  I called my Mom, and told her about it.  She said when she was packing her things, she found it under one of her suitcases.  But, we both, checked under both of her suitcases!  I actually moved both of them out of the closet, when I looked.  I will admit, I am not the most organized person, and I have a bad memory at times.  Pat, on the other hand, had an excellent memory, and always knew where MY misplaced items were!  So, I think it was him, just letting me know that he's still around.  Letting me know, that once again HE found, what I was looking for.

The next sign I got, was only a few days after he passed.  His Mom, Dad, little Sister, and I were driving to the funeral home, to meet with the funeral director.  Let me back up a little in the day.  Before we left, his Mom was showing me a bunch of old pictures they had dug up.  Baby pictures, childhood pictures, and goofy Pat pictures.  I enjoyed going through them, and seeing how much he changed over the years.  So fast forward to the funeral home.  As we were pulling in, there was a van pulling out of the parking lot.  I glanced at the driver, and had to do a double take.  It looked just like a younger Pat.  It looked just like him, at about 20 years old.  With his hair all gelled up, and an earring in his ear.  I didn't say anything to his parents, because I figured they probably would think I was crazy, but hey, now everyone thinks I'm crazy, so I might as well let everyone in on it!

The next 'sign' I got, was a few days before the funeral.  His Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister-in-law, and I, all went to Laurel to pick out a plot.  On the way back, we were driving on the interstate, behind a pickup, hauling a horse trailer.  We were all discussing food arrangements for the 'reception'.  (Just a side note, I hate the word reception, used for this occasion.  I know there really isn't anything else to call it, but really?  A reception happens after you get married, not after someone's funeral.  I realize it is supposed to be to 'celebrate' someone's life, rather than their death, but it's little things like this, that get to me now a days.  Just like the word 'death certificate', really?!  When I think of a certificate, I think of an accomplishment, and they usually are celebrated occasions.  You have, a birth certificate, a marriage certificate, and then a death certificate.  Just shouldn't go in the same category I don't think.)  The topic of Pat's Mom's famous 'Jimmy Dean Roll-ups' comes up.  They are basically tortillas, with cream cheese, and Jimmy Dean sausage rolled up, and cut into pin-wheels.  They are delicious, and Pat absolutely loved them.  At every get together, she always gets asked to make them.  In fact, she made them for our wedding.  So of course, she would be asked to make them for the "reception."  She begins to tell us, that she doesn't really want to make that many, because she expects a lot of people to be there.  We were in the middle of the conversation, when all of the sudden, bam!  Horse poop covers the front windshield.  I am convinced it was Pat, letting us know he was hearing what was going on, and wasn't very happy that there were not going to be any 'Jimmy Dean Roll-ups'.

The next sign I got was a day or two before the funeral.  I went shopping to get something to wear to the services.  I decided I was going to wear a Raider's Jersey, since it was his favorite team.  I wanted to honor him.  I went to Big Bear, and searched their racks.  Being February, there wasn't much of a selection left.  There were only two jerseys left.  Number 20, and number 21.  I looked at the backs of them, and really had no idea who either of the players were.  Something told me to go with number 21.  So I bought it.  Back up a couple days.  His mom went out and bought him a Raider's Jersey to be buried in.  She showed it to me, but honestly I really didn't pay attention to what player's jersey it was.  Even while I was shopping for mine, it didn't occur to me, to look for the same one.  I didn't realize it was the same one until two nights before the funeral, I went in to see him, in a private visitation.  It may sound silly, but I think it was him, who guided me to buy the same numbered jersey as the one he was wearing.  

The next sign I got was the day we buried him.  We all went to Golden Coral to eat, after the graveside services.  Pat's little sister, came up to me after we all got seated, and with a 'I don't know what to think' look on her face, handed me a card she found on the table.  It read, "Thank you- Pat."  I am pretty sure we all were floored.  It was like he was telling us all 'thank you' for the services.  His sister, handed the card back to her Mom, and I hope she kept it.

The next sign I got was a couple of weeks ago.  I had just gotten in bed.  I always plug my phone in at night, and it was on the nightstand next to me.  I was under the covers, just laying there, and had been for about 10 or 15 minutes.  I was having kind of a hard night, and couldn't fall asleep.  All of the sudden, my phone lit up.  I looked over, assuming I had a text message, but nothing.  The only time my phone lights up, is when I either have an incoming call, or get a text message.  Back up to before Pat passed.  As many of you already know, Pat loved to give me a hard time about my phone.  I played the last video recorded of Pat, at the services.  He was talking to his (then) unborn baby boy.  Many of you got to see that video, but if you didn't, let me explain a little.  As he is talking to Kayden, about how much he loves him, and how he can't wait to meet him, he is also giving me a hard time about being on the phone.  He always loved to tease me, that it was my favorite thing in the world.  He also recorded a few minutes of when I was in the hospital having Kayden, and again, he is giving me a hard time for being on the phone.  So fast forward back to that night, I knew it was him again, trying to 'speak' to me, in a language he knew I would understand.  Still giving me a hard time about my phone.

And the last sign I have encountered has actually happened a few times over the last few weeks.  Last night, I was reading about these different signs that people were posting about.  It was late, and I decided I should probably go to sleep.  I went outside, to have a cigarette (gasp, I know) before I went to bed.  I came back inside, and tried to lay down.  Instead of sleeping, I started sobbing.  I cried for about an hour.  I went to go back outside to have another cigarette, because now I was stressed out again.  As I reached to open the door, I noticed the deadbolt was locked.  I didn't lock it on my way in.  I have noticed this on a couple different occasions.  Now, if this is freaking you out that I didn't lock the deadbolt, please remember we are still in a hotel, so it automatically locks from the outside, unless you have the key.  I have been so used to staying here, that I don't ever lock the deadbolt.  Pat was always reminding me to lock the doors, especially once we got to Oklahoma.  So I am convinced it's him, just letting me know he is still here, to watch out for us.

Now I am sure some of you don't believe in signs.  I am sure most of you think that I have surely lost my mind.  Most of you probably don't think these are signs from Pat, and that they are just coincidences.  That is fine.  You are allowed to think that, just as I am allowed to think it is him, letting us all know he's still around.   Sometimes when I think of all these signs, it is somewhat comforting to know he's still around.  But mostly, I still just wish he was really here, in person.  For now, the signs will have to do, until we are together again.  So please, the only thing I ask, is that if you don't believe these are signs, and you think they are just coincidences, just keep it to yourself.  Please don't take this away from me.  It's all I have left.

Well, when I started typing it was the 13th.  Now I am finished, and as I look down at the clock/calendar, my heart sinks into my stomach, which is now a rock hard pit.  It is the dreaded 14th of the month.  Ugh.  

A letter to my friends and family......

Today I have just felt worn out.  Worn out physically, and worn out emotionally.  I don't feel like I can take much more of it all.  I know I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, for my boys' sake, but man it is a hard thing to do.  I just want to sleep it all away.

Yesterday was a little bit of a bittersweet day.  We got some pictures taken.  I wanted to get some taken before Kayden wasn't a little baby anymore.  They grow up so dang fast.  So I called the girls' moms, and had all of the kids together for a fun little photo shoot.  The kids all had fun, and I hope the pictures turned out good.  I should have them back in a week or so.  While I am glad I got them done, it was hard at the same time.  Pat was supposed to be here with us, taking pictures.  Although we talked about it on numerous occasions, we never got the chance to get family pictures taken, with all of the kids included.  The only pictures we have of all of us together, are from the dinner we had right before he passed away.  Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that we at least have that, but it's disappointing because we wanted to do 'real' family pictures together.  We just never got the chance.  It sucks. 

Speaking of pictures, I don't think I mentioned that I took the computer, that crashed, into Best Buy.  Unfortunately they were unable to transfer the files to my new computer.  I am pretty upset about it, because as I said before, all of my pictures of Pat were on there.  Some of them are replaceable.  Most of them are not.  Our wedding pictures were on there, but I have a backup CD of those.  All the pictures from Oklahoma were on there, but they are also on my phone.  The ones that aren't replaceable were pictures taken on a trip to Seattle in 2009.  Some of them I posted on Facebook, but I only posted a few of them on there.  For instance, there were several pictures taken at certain locations, and I only posted the 'best' one out of the group.  I also only posted pictures that had Pat in them, but we took pictures of the scenery, and pictures of Keegan and I, and those I did not post to Facebook.  I think we had close to 1000 pictures of that trip.  I am hoping that I backed up those pictures, to a CD, but I can't remember for sure, and I won't know until I go through all the boxes in storage, once I get my own place.

I hope I get in to a place soon.  I feel like I can't even begin to move forward, even in baby steps, until I have my own place.  I just want to be able to unpack all of those boxes, that are sitting in storage.  Unpack all the memories.  Yes, I know it will be hard at the same time, but I just want to touch all of his stuff.  Touch it.  Feel it.  Smell it.  Remember him.

I came across a couple of 'letters to family/friends' that I would like to share.  They were not written by me, but basically cover what I am feeling.  There were two different ones, and I couldn't decide between the two (imagine that!) so I am just going to share both of them.

How You Can Help Me

Please talk about my loved one, even though he is gone. It is more
comforting to cry than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk
about him, and I need to do it over and over.

Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get
comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know
when my tears may flow. Don't ever feel that you have made me cry.
The tears are always there and I appreciate the opportunity to shed them.
Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.

Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don't want to upset me. You
can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid
to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I
most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come
over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You
can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you
to know that."

Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I
feel only if you really have time to find out.

I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving
and that's different. My grieving may only begin 6 months after my loved
one's death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For I am not only
grieving his death, but also the person I was when I was with him,
the life that we shared, the plans we had for watching our children and
grandchildren grow, the places we will never get to go together, and
the hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has
crumbled and I will never be the same.

I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my
loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and
love into the rest of my life. He is a part of me and always will be,
and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a
tear. Both are okay.

I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has
happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just
not acceptable.

When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and
alone. I feel badly enough that my loved one is dead, so please don't
make it worse by telling me I'm not doing this right.

Please don't tell me I can find someone else or that I need to start dating
again. I'm not ready. And maybe I don't want to. And besides, what
makes you think people are replaceable? They aren't. Whoever (if anyone at all) comes
after will always be someone different.

I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get
on with your life." My life is going on, I've been forced to take on
many new responsibilities and roles. It may not look the way you think
it should. This will take time and I will never be my old self again. So
please, just love me as I am today, and know that with your love and
support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget
and there will always be times that I cry.

I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your
hugs. I need you just to be with me, and I need to be with you. I need
to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in
my own way, and in my own time.

Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you
because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could
do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you
some ideas:

(a) Bring food or a movie over to watch together.
(b) Send me a card on special holidays, his birthday, and the
anniversary of his death, and be sure to mention his name. You can't
make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the
opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to
reach out on this difficult day.
(c) Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I
may so no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me
because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given
up then I really will be alone.
(d) Understand how difficult it is for me to be surrounded by couples,
to walk into events alone, to go home alone, to feel out of place in the
same situations where I used to feel so comfortable.

Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely.
Remember I'm grieving. I may even be in shock. I am afraid. I may
feel deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm
experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before and one that can't
be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes.

Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to
slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please
don't tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with
my life. What I need now is time to grieve.

Most of all thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience.
Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. Thank
you for praying for me.








The second 'letter':


To My Friend

I have lost the one I love, the one I cherish. My lover, my best friend, my whole life.
Either you have stumbled across this because you want to find out how to help me,
or I have given this to you.

How I am Feeling
• I am numb. I am in shock. I am emotionally exhausted.
• I am in pain. A horrible, gut-wrenching, intense, unimaginable, and indescribable pain.
• My mind is totally occupied with processing my loss. I am trying to understand what has
happened. I am attempting to make sense of it all. I am trying to comprehend the incomprehensible.
• I can't sleep. I want to sleep all day. I am physically exhausted.
• I can't eat. I can't stop eating.
• I can't be bothered cooking. I can't be bothered cleaning. I don't want to go shopping.
• Everything is overwhelming. Small tasks are overwhelming. Small details are overwhelming.
I just don't want to know about it right now.
• Nothing sticks in my mind. I walk out the door without my keys. I forget what I was going to do.
I forget everything except that my love has gone.
• I am going through tidal waves of emotion. One minute I might be laughing, the next I may be
in tears.
• Sometimes I want to talk. Sometimes I need to be alone. Sometimes I need silent company.
Sometimes I need all of these things in the space of 5 minutes.
• Some days I just want to curl up in bed and do nothing. Some days I will keep myself totally
occupied in an attempt to escape.
• Sometimes I will be intense. Sometimes I will be irrational. Sometimes I will be snappy, and
often I will be totally lost in myself.
• Often I may not have a clue as to what I want, but it only takes a moment for me to realize
what I don't want.
• I am hypersensitive and will often be offended by things you say to try and make me feel better.
• I want to wail. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to just sit.
• I have no choice how I react. This is coming from deep inside me and intelligence and self
control have no effect. It comes from the basal self.
• Sometimes it so hard for me to respond to phone calls or letters or emails, but I truly appreciate
that you are doing it, so please don't stop just because I don't respond.
• I will not be fully-functional at work for a long time. In fact, I may never work with the same
intensity again as my perspectives of what is important and what isn't has been changed permanently.
• I still want to laugh. I need to laugh. I may suddenly go quiet mid-laugh, when hit by a sudden
reminder, but I desperately need to continue to laugh.

Emotional Things You Can Do
• Let me talk about him. I want to talk about our love. I want to tell you how we met, our last
days, and everything in between. I want to show you his picture, tell you how wonderful he was.
• Let me cry. Your acceptance that I need to cry and your permission to allow me to is one of the
best gifts you can give me. Hand me a tissue, and do your best to sit quietly and let me cry.
• Once you have allowed me to open up or cry, please don't change the subject or try to stop me.
I know you feel uncomfortable that I am in pain. Don't. Changing the subject, trying to stop me
crying just makes me hold everything inside, and eats away at me.
• Tell me all your stories of when my love was sweet, courageous, rotten or funny. I need to hear
everything about him. If you don't know many, find out some from those who are too scared to
approach me now.
• Let me try to tell you what is going on inside me. I won't succeed, but I need to try. You don't have
to do anything. Just allowing me to do it, and allowing me to feel what I need to feel means so much.
• It is really hard for me to tell other people about my loss. I'm working full time to deal with my
emotions. Trying to deal with someone else's reaction or discomfort is the last thing I need, so if
someone needs to know it would be good if you could explain it to them.

What Not To Do
• Don't tell me you understand how I feel, or that you can imagine the pain I am going through,
unless you have lost the love of your life. Trust me, you can't. If I can't, and I am going through it,
trust me, you can't – your mind will just not let you voluntarily imagine this much pain.
• Don't try to compare my loss to the loss of a parent, or a friend, or an acquaintance or pet, it's
not the same. I understand that all of these things are painful, but it is not the same.
• Don't ask how I'm doing unless you really want to know. I am assuming that as you know, and
as you have asked, you truly want to know.
• Don't try to save me from my feelings or make me feel better. I know you can't bear to see me
in so much pain, but I need to go through all of these feelings whether I want to or not.
• Once you have "given me permission" to talk or cry, please don't try and distract me with small
talk. I know it makes you feel better if I appear happy, but my pain is ever-present and it makes
me feel like you don't care.
• Don't ever tell me "you have to be strong". If ever there's a time I should be permitted to be weak,
this is it. What's more, if I only "need to talk" to you once every few weeks, chances are I have
been strong and right now I really need you to understand that I am exhausted and need help.
• Whatever you do don't tell me "If I were you I'd…." Until you are in the same situation, you
have absolutely no idea what you will do. Your logical brain has absolutely no control.
• Never try telling me "life goes on", or "he wouldn't want you to cry", or "God will never give
you more than you can handle" or any other meaningless platitudes.
• Don't try to solve my "problem". Unless you can bring him/her back, it can't be "solved".
• Don't feel the need to fill in silences. I know the silences are hard for you, but if you can accept
them, you are helping me immensely.
• Please don't try and help me find "closure", or tell me I need to find "closure". Closure is an
obscene word for me right now, as is "moving on"/"move on".

Practical Things You Can Do
I understand that a lot of you find it hard to cope with my emotional pain. Hate to see me
hurting so. If you can't help me emotionally, you can help me practically.
• Don't ask me what you can do to help. I have no idea, I am overwhelmed.
• Bring me some meals that I can just put in the microwave.
• Find out what sort of bread, milk, toilet paper, etc I use and bring me them to me. I have
no idea I need them until I run out, so don't bother asking me if I need anything.
• If you are an organized person offer to manage my bills. Collect the bills as they come in
and let me know when they need to be paid, and make sure I do. Time has no meaning for me
right now. It's only when the cut-off notices come that I realize I need to do something.
• Get copies of photos I don't have from family and friends and put them in an album for me.
It will be one of the most precious gifts you could give me.

Practical Things I Need To Do
• I need to surround myself with beauty.
• Sit in the sun and just soak it up.
• Enjoy nature. Look at the majesty of mountains, and enjoy the miracle of a blade of grass.
• Have a massage.
• Write in a journal.
• Cry when I need to. Tears are a release.
• Not make any big decisions for a while. A big enough life change has already taken place.

Remember
• Grief is an emotional injury that requires time to heal. Not a week, not a month, not even a year,
it takes as long as it takes. It is similar to major physical injury. You may not be able to see the
wounds on the inside, but they are there.
• Real-life is nothing like TV.
• I will not "get over it" - I will learn to live with my loss and incorporate the lessons into my life.
• I will get better over time, but I will never forget him. The pain ebbs and flows, but never
goes completely. 


Now, I realize that some of the points in these letters are geared for times in the future, so they may not pertain to me right now.  Things such as, 'you need to start dating.'  Now obviously I don't think anybody is going to try and tell me that right now.  It hasn't even been a month.  But I am sure one day, someone will say something along those lines, and that's why I left it in the letter.  Some of these points may not pertain to me right this minute, but I am sure they will sooner or later.  Thank you if you took the time to read these letters, and now, I hope, you understand a little bit more about what I am feeling and going through.  You probably now also understand why I couldn't choose between the two, so I just posted both. 

I already hate being a single mom....

Well today I went to the cemetery.  It was the first time I have been there, since we buried him.  I was scared to go, but I finally got up enough courage to go today.  I bought three roses.  One from me, one from Keegan, and one from Kayden.  We also left three bite sized almond joy bars, those were his favorite.  It was hard to be there.  The last time I was there, his casket was still up in the air, on the lifting device.  Today, obviously, all I saw was dirt.  And it was muddy.  It made me so sad to think he was under all that dirt.  I was thinking, "Was he wet?  Was he cold?  I should have put a blanket in the casket with him."  Then I remember, "Well duh, that's just his body in there.  His soul is in Heaven."  It's funny how my mind works now a days though.  Complete scatterbrain.

I had to try to explain to my 5 year old today about the difference between your body, and your soul.  I knew I would be taking him to the cemetery, and I didn't want him to be confused about how Pat could be in two places at once.  Man, that was difficult.  How do you explain, what a soul is, to a 5 year old?  The only thing I could come up with, was that your soul is what's inside you.  It's what makes you, you.  So I told him that Pat's soul was with God, Jesus, and the angels, and that we buried his body.  I told him that we were going to the cemetery, where his body was, to leave him some flowers, and talk to him.  He said, "ok,"  but I could tell by the look on his face he was confused.  Poor kid.
We got to the cemetery, and I told him he could talk to Pat if he wanted.  He looked at me and said, "Mommy, where's Pat?"  I said, "Well, honey, his body is under the dirt, in a box, called a casket.  Remember the black and silver box Pat was in?  Well that box is called a casket, and it's buried under this dirt.  But Pat's soul, is in Heaven with God, and Jesus, and the angels."  He said, "ok."  Then he looked at the dirt waved, and said, "Hi Pat.  (then paused)  I love you Pat.  (paused again) I miss you Pat."  Then he looked at me and said, "Mommy, it's ok to cry?"  I said, "Yes honey, if you are sad, it's ok to cry."  He then turned around, and started walking towards the car.
There is kind of a cute story behind all of this.  When Pat passed away, Keegan was with his biological dad.  He didn't get back home until a couple of days before the funeral.  So I sat him down, and told him that Pat had died, and he was with God and Jesus, and the angels.  I knew he didn't understand, I could just see it in his eyes.  The next few days, he asked, "Mommy, where's Pat?"  I said, "Well, remember he died?  He is with God, honey."  A few days later he changed up his response a little, and answered his own question.  He said, "Mommy, where's Pat?  He's with God?"  I responded, "Yes, he's with God, honey."  This "responding to his own question" went on for the last couple of weeks.  He asks about him at least a few times a day.  The other day he came up to me, and said this, "Mommy, where's Pat?  With God honey?"  Haha!  I didn't even know what to say to him!  Oh gosh, he is so stinkin cute sometimes! 
He repeats a lot of what I say to him.  So, the other thing I told him, was that if he is sad, it's ok for him to cry.  So now every time we are talking about Pat, he always reiterates to me, "It's ok to cry Mommy?"  I say, "Yes, honey, it's ok to cry."  I couldn't tell if he was crying today at the cemetery, or not.  I do know that when he turned back around, after he walked towards the car, he was rubbing his eyes with his sleeve.

My youngest son, Kayden, who is 2 1/2 months old, is a pretty good baby.  He has started sleeping through the night, and is now sleeping for about a 12 hour stretch at night.  He is usually such a happy baby.  He not only looks just like his Daddy, but he has his personality too!  He is always smiling, and cooing, and just a pretty laid back baby.  Well, Kayden was uncharacteristically fussy tonight.  I started to miss my husband even more.  I couldn't help but think, "Why are you not here helping me do this?!  Where are you?!"  I already hate being a single mom.
So I was reading through my last couple of posts, because to be quite honest with you, I could not remember what they said.  After I type them out, I rarely remember what it was I typed about.  I mainly read them, to try not to repeat myself too much.  As I was reading through them, I looked over at the sidebar, and noticed under the archived posts, it has a category for each month, and a subcategory for each day of that month, and so on.  It also has in parenthesis a number next to each month, to represent how many total posts were done in that month.  I noticed all of this before, but what I noticed today, kind of took my breath away.  Next to February was (14).  Ugh.  As if I don't think about it enough, it's even right there on my blog.  A constant reminder.  I'm sure most of you get the connection, but just in case you are lost, my husband passed away on February 14.  So I am sitting there thinking, "Really?!  I couldn't have done one more post in the month of February?  Or one less?  I had to do exactly 14?  And I couldn't have noticed in February, so I at least could have changed it?"  So now until next February, it's going to be like that.  Great.  Just Great.

Broken record....

Well today has been a hard day.  My mom, who has been staying with me, and helping me with the kids, left this morning, to go back to Arkansas, where she lives.  I know that without her here, I am going to be that much more lonely.  It's time for reality to kick in.  It's just me and my boys.  It sucks. 

I feel blessed that I at least got to spend a few weeks with her.  I am not sure how I would have survived without her help.  Now it's time for me to do it alone.  I wish she lived closer.  With gas prices sky-rocketing, I am sure we won't be able to see each other as often.  I have a lot of people here for support.  No one is quite the same as your momma though.  Also it's different because she was staying with me.  Here all the time.  Nobody else is always here.  Except me.  Alone. 

There's another part to my day that just made me want to scream.  Here is a little bit of background info first.  So Pat and I talked a few times, after Kayden was born, about trying to have another child.  Now, Kayden, was pretty much a miracle baby.  They told us, Pat would most likely be sterile, after going through chemotherapy.  We got pregnant the night of our wedding, only a couple of months before he started chemotherapy.  Kayden was a miracle.  Even though he was a miracle, we still talked about trying again.  Beating the odds.  The last conversation we had about it though, he had wanted to wait.  He didn't want me to be pregnant, and have to take care of him, while we went out on these trials.  He didn't want the added stress on my shoulders (always thinking of everyone else, that was my husband!)   
I was talking to my Mom the other day about it, and I told her I so badly wanted to be pregnant, and with his little girl.  I told her how I had regretted not pushing the subject more, because at the time, I just went along with it, even though I actually did want to try.  I know it probably sounds crazy because Kayden is only 2 1/2 months old now, but I wanted a little girl.  So, here I was, praying that by some miracle of God, I could have gotten pregnant.  Well, today, the news came.  My auntie, "Flo", came for an unexpectedly expected visit today, the day my mom left.  My heart hit the floor.
I do realize that I sound like a mad woman right now.  But I wanted another piece of him to live on.  I do understand on the logical side of things, that another child, would be more added stress.  I also understand it would have been the hardest pregnancy and birth, emotionally, of my life.  But all of those negatives didn't matter to me.  I still wanted it so badly.  And now it's vanished into thin air.  I hate you auntie "Flo."

Honestly, I can't believe I just wrote that last paragraph.  A little mortifying that I am telling the world about my monthly cycles, actually.  There is probably some guy out there asking his wife, "Huh, I wonder why her auntie "Flo" would have anything to do with her finding out she is not pregnant?  How would she know?"  Hope at least a few of you smiled at that.

Today I changed Pat's facebook name.  That was a hard step to take.  I had been thinking about it for a while, but could never bring myself to actually follow through with it.  I would log into his account (which I do often), but always back out of it, before I actually changed it.  Then last week, I tried to do it, and once I had it all in there, I clicked 'save changes' and it popped back with an error message.  It said there were too many words.  Relief.  Weird, I know, but it was almost a relief to know I couldn't change it.  I remembered, before Pat passed away, seeing another memorial facebook account, and today I did a search for 'in loving memory.'  The results came back, and I looked at a few of them to see how they changed it.  I figured out that if I put dashes between the words, it might accept it.  So tonight that's what I did.  I almost hoped that it wouldn't work.  But it did.  So his facebook account is no longer Patrick Nave.  It's In-Loving Memory-Of Patrick Nave.  Gulp.

Our living situation is still stressing me out.  We are still living in a hotel.  Thankfully it's not a nasty hotel or anything like that.  Actually Pat's Aunt, Cindy, owns it, and put us in an apartment style suite, and it's very nice.  Luckily, she hasn't ever asked for a dime for us staying here, but we do have to figure something out by the end of this month.  She has it rented out for 6 months.  So I have been desperately trying to figure out what to do.  With limited funds, it makes that decision even harder.  It's not the initial financial upset, that scares me.  It's a couple months down the road that does.  Right now, I have enough to get into a place.  I can't remember if I posted about this before or not, but what worries me, is that I think most people are going to expect me to be moving in a positive direction in a couple of months, and expect me to start working again.  That very well could be the case.  I could be ready.  Then again, I could not.  That's what scares me.  The unknowns.

From the outside looking in, I'm sure it looks like I am doing ok.  And I guess maybe that's a good thing.  But the reality of it, is that on the inside I feel like I have nothing left.  I feel completely empty.  I try not to cry in front of people, because I know it makes things awkward.  I start feeling the emotions come on, and I try to sidetrack my thoughts.  It usually works.  How long it will work for, I am not sure. 
Today was the first day I have been pretty much all alone.  It was a hard day (especially coupled with the rest of today's happenings.)  I didn't even get out of my pajamas today.  I think to myself, if I didn't have these two boys to take care of, I don't know how I would do this.  It would make it that much harder to want to get out of bed in the mornings.  Right now, I am pretty much forced to get out of bed, to take care of them.  But without them, I am pretty sure I would stay in bed for, well weeks probably.  I just really have no motivation.

I have dreamed of him a few times now.  Not quite the dreams I was hoping to have.  Not really anything like a nightmare, well the nightmare comes when I wake up.  I dream that he comes back as a ghost, and everyone can see him.  I think people are going to think I am crazy, so I try to talk to him softly, or try not to stare at him, yet I find it impossible.  Then I realize that everyone else can see him too.  I am not sure why this is a disappointing dream to me, because I am really not sure what I want out of the dreams.  I guess just to feel him again.  To hug him, and kiss him, and touch him, and have him hold me again.

We had a birthday party for Keegan on Saturday.  His actual birthday was on Thursday.  The party wasn't quite so bad.  My mind was occupied with screaming kids.  Thursday was hard though.  I didn't really think it would be, but once it was here, it kind of hit me like a ton of bricks.  It was the first 'holiday' that we were going to celebrate, without Pat.  And it sucked. 
Our one year anniversary is coming up on the 27th, and I cannot even imagine what that day is going to be like.  My eyes well up with tears, just thinking about it.  It just makes me so mad that we won't be able to celebrate that day together.  We were both so excited, and looking forward to it.  Why not just a couple more months?  Why on Valentine's Day for crying out loud?  I get angry often these days.  Just thinking about it all, makes my mind go crazy.  The other day, I was home by myself, and I broke down in tears, and started screaming.  I kept yelling, "Why?!  Where are you?!  Why aren't you here with me?!  Why did you leave?!  You promised you would never leave me!  And yet you are gone now!"  Wow, just typing that, I think I just re-lived it all over again, because the tears started flowing again.  I am just so angry.  Not really at him, not really at God.  Just angry.  I want him back.  This wasn't supposed to end up this way.  We were supposed to grow old together.  It's just not fair.

I thought about posting a few different times this week, but didn't.  I feel like I am just a broken record.  I am sure sooner or later (if it hasn't happened already), people are going to get bored with reading this blog, because I keep posting about the same thing.  It feels somewhat therapeutic to get all of this off of my chest, but at the same time, I feel like I just keep repeating the same things over and over again.  Broken or not, it's the record of my heart.  I just miss my husband.  End of story.   

My mind is still in a whirlwind.....

So I am not even sure where to begin tonight.  My mind is still in a whirlwind, and I have had so many different thoughts throughout the week, yet they all seem to vanish once my fingers hit the keyboard.

Well first things first.  I know it has been a while since I last posted.  The laptop that I was using was my Mom's, and it crashed.  I wanted to get one of my own anyway, because I knew she would be taking her laptop back home with her.  So yesterday, I bought a new one, with the help of my Momma, my Brother, and my Sister-in-law.  So a big shout-out to them, I love you guys!

My main concern with the computer crashing, wasn't so much not being able to get online, but that all of my pictures are on that computer.  I posted many of them to facebook, and can get those ones from there, but there were tons that I didn't post to facebook too.  Tomorrow I am going to try to take the crashed computer to best buy.  They can pull all of the files off that computer, and transfer them to my new computer.  That's only if they haven't been wiped out already.  So please pray they are still on there!

I have really been missing my husband today.  These last couple of weeks have really been an emotional roller coaster.  The last few months have been, but especially since he passed away.  It's strange how one minute I can be 'ok'.  I can think to myself that I am going to be alright, and we will see each other again.  That although right now it seems like an eternity, when compared to an eternity, this life on earth, is a mere blink of an eye.  Then literally, two minutes later, bam!  I'm going the complete opposite direction.  The smallest things will remind me of him, and it brings me sadness that he is no longer here to enjoy life along side of me.

This is probably going to sound silly because it's materialistic items, but here is an example.  My husband loved to watch movies.  He collected VHS tapes, when we lived in Billings.  Mainly because we couldn't afford a very large collection of DVD's.  So we would always go to garage sales, or to thrift stores.  He would get so excited when he would come across VHS tapes, because they were fairly inexpensive, and we could afford for him to pick out a few each time.  Over the past couple of years, we have collected probably close to a couple hundred.  When we moved to Oklahoma, we didn't bring a TV or a VCR with us.  We bought a cheap TV when we got there, and he brought his old XBOX with us, so we could play DVD's.  So while we were down there, he would get used DVD's every now and then, and also got a few for Christmas.  Also for Christmas, my Mom got us a new TV.  It was a flat panel LCD TV.  Neither of us had ever owned a nice TV, and his expression was priceless, when he opened the gift.  I thought his jaw was going to hit the ground.  He couldn't wait to watch his collection of movies, on this new TV.  As I was thinking about this earlier, it occurred to me that he was so excited about this new TV, and now he doesn't even get to enjoy it with me.  I know this sounds so silly, because it's a TV, and he is in Heaven, where there are much better things than TV's, but it still made me sad.

Here's another thing that crossed my mind earlier.  I know this is probably going to sound even more silly than the TV.  So my neighbors in Oklahoma, were gracious enough to pack up our entire trailer for us. (Thanks Shelley and Rachel!!)  My Dad and my Brother, drove down to Oklahoma, and loaded it all into a U-Haul trailer, and hauled it back up to Billings. (Thanks Dad and Jason!)  Earlier I was thinking about all the stuff we had.  An iced-tea maker popped in my mind, and immediately the sadness came through.
My mom always drinks iced tea.  She has the 'sweet tea' formulation down to a tee.  We stayed with my Mom for about 2 weeks when we first moved down there, until we found our own place.  Pat learned her 'recipe' in a short time, and was always making jokes about 'stealing her iced-tea maker'.  So he also got that for Christmas, and was pretty excited about it.  So as silly as it sounds, it made me sad that he wasn't still here to be able to enjoy iced-tea made from his own iced-tea maker. 

The emotions I have felt recently, are, put quite simply: draining.  I go from happiness (well maybe happiness isn't the right word, but I don't think "okayness" is really a word), to extreme sadness, to anger, to being upset, to being furious, to feeling disgusted, to being fearful, to being disappointed, and then they start back over again.  I never even knew some of these emotions existed.  The weird thing about it is, some of them, all come on at once.  They don't just happen one by one, as I may be able to handle it that way.  They all come simultaneously.

This really has been the weirdest experience of my life.  I don't really know what to expect of my future, or what it holds for that matter.  It scares me too much to really think about it.  I know that right now, I am a single mother, and a widow at 26 years old.  Not only does my future scare me, so does my present.   I am a 26 year old widow.  Just let that sink in for a moment, because it still hasn't sunken in for me yet.  26 years old.  Remind me again, how did I end up here?

I'm sure this post doesn't flow well at all, and for that, I apologize.  My mind races about 220 mph, and I can't ever keep up.  I am a complete scatterbrain.  Something will pop into my head, and before my fingers can reach the keyboard to let it all out, its gone.  I cannot concentrate on the smallest tasks.  I am always forgetting what I am doing, or why I am doing it.  Probably a combination of the present circumstances, mixed with "mommy brain."  Not a good combination, I am sure.

I have been planning a birthday party for my oldest son, Keegan.  He will be five years old on the 3rd.  Can't tell you what day of the week that falls on, because I don't think I even know what today is.  That aside, it has been hard to plan, because I know my husband won't be here for it.  It tears me up inside.  I know it's only going to get worse from here.

I have also been trying to look for a place to live.  We are still currently living in the hotel.  I am stressing a little (ok, not a little, more like a lot), because I am not ready to go back to work.  I don't know when I will be ready.  I am sure most people think within a couple of months I should just be doing fine, and be ready to go back.  I am sure if I was on the outside looking in, I would probably think the same thing.  What I fear though, is that in a couple of months, I will be worse than I am today.
My mom has been staying with me, and helping me with the kids (Thanks Mom!)  I honestly don't know what I would do without her.  She will be leaving soon, and I will be completely on my own.  Also, like I mentioned in a previous post, right now I miss him like I would expect to miss him, if he were on vacation.  He hasn't been gone that long, and I know it is going to get harder before it gets any easier.  So my biggest fear, is that while everyone is expecting me to be working forward, I will do a major backslide.  So I am worried that I will get into a place, and be forced to go back to work, when I am not ready.  I have been looking into low-income housing, but the waiting lists are horrifically long.  So please pray that we will find something, soon.

This whole experience has brought out friendships that I never had with people.  It's so strange to me, yet comforting at the same time.  I have had so many people reach out to me and my boys, and I feel extremely blessed in that sense.  Not just financially (although we have had that as well), but emotionally.  I have formed friendships with people, that I hardly knew, or didn't know at all, before this.  The weirdest part about these friendships, is that I hardly know anything about these people, yet I feel so close to them, and feel like I can talk to them.  Most friendships, you get to know a person first, and based off their qualities, beliefs, and so on, you make a decision about whether or not you want to pursue friendship with that person.  With these new found friendships I have gained, it has worked the opposite way.  The more I learn about these people, the more I realize how much we have in common, but we started them backwards.  It's like God put these people in my life, and said, "Here are your friends, lean on them."  Instead of me choosing them, He did for me.  I kind of like that.

Before I end, I would like to say thank you to anyone who has offered any type of support.  Whether it was financial support, a card of sympathy, a hug, a smile, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, whatever it may have been, I want you to know I truly appreciate it.  It really means a lot to me, that you have taken time out of your crazy hectic life, to show me and my family that you care.

Love,
Jen 

I have never felt so lost.....

Today has been a weird day.  I have never felt so lost in my life.  I don't know where to turn, or where to go.  I know this road is going to be a long hard one. 

I know it hasn't fully sunk in yet.  Every time I think about him being gone, I get the hugest knot in my stomach.  I hit that damn brick wall every time.  It's like my mind won't grasp around reality, so I have to keep going through it all over again. 

I hate this 'new' life, because he's no longer in it.

Today I looked into a young widows online support group.  An old friend recommended it.  I thought it would be a good thing, and I think eventually it will be.  Some of it is comforting, to know I am not alone in going through this.  To know there are others out there, around my age, that have suffered the loss of their spouse.   On some level it is comforting to know that these people do move forward, not necessarily on, but forward.  But (oh, yes, there is always a but) it is also so hard for me to read some of these posts, about people moving forward.  It seems so unattainable at this point, that it makes it worse.  It makes me more sad. 

I think eventually I will be able to read these posts, and feel good about them.  Right now, it's just too much to take in.  Too much, at one time.  I'm sure my opinions will change, maybe even from day to day.  I think that is part of the healing process.  But things like, when to take your rings off, don't even seem like options right now.  They don't seem like something I even want to do.  Ever.  I have read that this is part of the grieving process, and I'm not sure if that's comforting or not.  Apparently it is normal to not want to let go of anything at this point, and eventually it will be something that I will let go.  That's what scares me.  I don't want to ever want to let go of any of it.  I sleep with his coat, every night.  I don't want to one day, not want to sleep with it. 

Plain and simply put, I just miss my husband.  I want him back.  Now.  I want this pain to go away.  Now. 

I guess I thought that two or three months from now, it would be starting to get easier.  From what I read today, that is when it only begins.  It's not until 6 months that it starts to get easier, and for many people 'healing' doesn't fully begin anywhere from 2-5 years.  Years.  If it's this hard, at only a week out, what will it be like in a month?  Or two?  Or four?  Or on the one year mark?  At this point, he could just have gone away for a vacation.  That's what missing him would feel like, since it's only been a week.  So how am I going to handle this, when it really sinks in, and when he's been gone for a while?  I am a wreck as it is.  The future is utterly terrifying to me. 

I didn't want to do anything today.  I stayed in my pajamas for most of the day.  I had to force myself to take a shower.  I don't want to leave the house, and I know it will only get worse from here.  I was just utterly lost.  In the previous days, I had 'something to look forward to'.  Not that I actually looked forward to burying my husband, but all the details kept my mind occupied.  Now it's all over, and my mind is starting to wander.  The "what ifs" are eating my mind alive.  I cannot concentrate on even the simplest tasks.  Even while I am writing this tonight, I am losing my train of thought.  I literally have to keep going back, to figure out what I was writing about.  Something will pop in my head, but I forget within a matter of a few seconds.  I feel like I am a two year old again.  I have no attention span.  I can't help but wonder, how I am going to do this on my own.  How am I going to be able to function?  When everyone else 'goes back to normal', and I am still stuck in neutral.  I have two little boys to take care of, and right now I have help, and it's still hard, and I'm hardly doing anything.  What will this be like when I am really on my own?  Especially to think that I haven't even hit the hardest part yet, and that's when I will have only myself to count on.

I also cannot get the 'whys' out of my head.  Why him?  Why me?  Why us?  We were just starting our lives out together.  We hadn't even made it a year yet.  So close.  Why Valentine's Day?  Why?

When I took my vows, I took them seriously, and I took them thinking, "Till MY death does us part."  Not his.  So where am I supposed to go from here?

When I signed up for an account through the widow support group, it asked me a question.  "Was your spouse's death expected, or sudden?"  I couldn't help but think, "Well it was suddenly expected, and does it matter?"  Does it somehow make it easier that in the back of my mind, this could be the end result of this?  Well, the answer is a clear and resounding, NO!  I honestly never thought it would play out like this.  I thought some treatment would work.  I had hope.  Unfortunately it did happen, and now I'm the one stuck in the mud, trying to pull myself out.  But it's not mud, it's quicksand.  The more I fight, the deeper I go.  Even the last couple of days, when we did pretty much know this was the end, knowing didn't make it any easier.  It was the most traumatic thing I have ever watched play out before my eyes.  Did I get to have some talks with him, that I may not have gotten if it would have been unexpected?  Yes.  Does that make it any easier to deal with? No!  I had to sit back, helplessly, and watch my husband struggle for air.  I watched him take his last breath, as it felt like I was suddenly the one struggling to breathe.  I fell to his shoulders, and started sobbing.  Shaking my head in disbelief of what had just occurred before my eyes.  It was not pretty, and now those are the images that are ingrained in my mind.  They pop in suddenly, and overtake my thoughts.  It feels like someone punches me in the gut, every time.  And that's when I go through it all over again.  Trying to make sense of it all.  And none of it ever makes any sense.  I just want to scream, and yell, and scream some more.

The happiness has been getting to me lately.  Not so much from my friends and family, but from people I don't know.  I see them walking with smiles, and it just irritates me.  I think mostly because I envy them.  I hate the fact that I used to be so happy.  I used to love my life, and now it's turned into hatred.  I fear that it will turn into bitterness, and I don't want to be bitter.  I see it on facebook, people just going about their everyday lives, like nothing has happened.  And to most of them, nothing has, so really I expect nothing more.  But for me, my whole world has been turned upside down, and it's so hard to see other people living normal lives.  Don't get me wrong, I am not saying I don't notice people stepping up, and being there.  Because I most definitely do.  I have had people contact me that I haven't talked to in years.  People I don't even know, have offered their hand of support.  And I am grateful.  But nothing takes the pain away.  Nothing.  And it just hurts to see people, happy and normal.  Especially when I am depressed, and my life has become so unexpectedly abnormal.  I think it irritates me so much, because I was there once.  My status updates used to be oh so casual, like the majority of people.  And I just so badly want to be back where I was.  I miss my old life, the one that had him in it. 

I want to dream of him.  In the most recent months, we talked on the phone a lot.  He would be in the hospital, and I would be at home, or at the hotel.  Every night before we got off the phone, we would say goodnight.  After our I love you's,  he would say, "Dream of me."  I would respond, "Ok, babe, I'll meet you in my dreams."  I so badly right now want to meet him in my dreams, yet they will not come.  Instead I'm stuck in a nightmare, I call it my life.  I wouldn't wish this 'life' on my worst enemy.  Total and utter despair.  The only words I can use to describe it.   

How did I end up here?

I really am at a loss for words today.  I am not sure how I ended up here, but I don't like it.  I have been pretty numb this past week.  So numb, that I feel guilty for not crying when others are.  I kept asking myself, "why am I not crying?  This isn't normal!  I loved him so, yet everyone else seems to be tore up, and here I am, just staring off into space."  I cannot focus on anything.  It all comes and goes in spurts.  I am fine one moment, and then the next I am not.  My life has become nothing but unpredictable, and uncertain. 

Today we buried my husband.  That was beyond hard.  I didn't want to leave the cemetery, just as I didn't want to leave the hospital room that night.  I felt like I was abandoning him.  I know he is no longer with his body, but sometimes it is hard to distinguish between the two.

I know one day, it will get better.  I'll get there eventually, but it seems so unreachable and unattainable at this very moment.  I lost my step-mother several years ago, and that was the first person I had ever lost, that I was close to.  It was hard, but it has gotten easier.  I still think of her daily, but not with as much sadness...more with smiles of the memories we shared.  She was also young, in her early thirties, and also died of cancer.  Yet I cannot compare the two.  This was my best friend.  My soul mate.  My world.  The two are not interchangeable.  I cannot even begin to look at what my future holds, because it's too scary.  I cannot fathom a life without him.  I always imagined growing old with him, and sharing moments with our children, and grandchildren.  Now he is gone, and I am alone.  I have so many people surrounding me, yet I still feel so alone, because I am. 

It was a beautiful service yesterday.  There were so many people who came.  Just like I told him there would be.  I laughed.  I cried.  Most of all, I missed.  After the service, we had a reception.  The room was filled with mostly laughter, and a few tears.  This is what Pat would have wanted.  Toward the end, I had a pretty revealing moment.  A woman came up to me, and introduced me to her kids as "Pat's widow."  Wow.  That was pretty hard to hear.  That's what my life has become.  I am a widow at 26 years old.  It just doesn't seem possible.  When I was 16, if you would have asked me where I thought I would be in ten years, never in a million years did I think I would be here.  I don't want to be here right now. 

I know I will be with him again, and right now, I wish it was my time....now.  Don't read into this the wrong way.  I am not saying I am going to commit suicide.  And don't get me wrong, I love my family, and I love my boys.  But right now, none of it matters.  I miss my love, and I want to be with him.  I know the only way that will happen, is if I go too.  If you have never lost a spouse, then I don't expect you to understand.  If you have lost your spouse, then you know exactly what I mean. 

I have gone back and read some of my blog posts, and honestly I am not sure how I even wrote some of them.  Some of them sound so positive, and uplifting, even after he passed.  I apologize that I am not there today.  It will be a long time healing.  I'm sure I will go back and forth, up and down.  I already have.  It's only been a week, yet it feels like an eternity. 

My son Keegan, is such a lover.  In a little over a week, he will be five.  He understands, but minimally, what is going on.  He was with his biological dad, in Washington, when Pat passed.  He got here this past friday, for the services and such.  When I sat down to tell him, my heart broke all over again.  Another revealing moment.  I got a few pamphlets from the funeral home.  One was entitled, "Talking With a Child About a Loved One's Death."  It explained to avoid using phrases like, 'passed away', or 'went away', because it doesn't convey the finality of death.  So for the first time all week, I had to actually utter the words, "Pat died, honey."  His lip quivered a bit, and his eyes welled up with tears, but I know he doesn't fully understand, since later that evening he asked, "Mommy, where's Pat?  Pat's at the doctors?"  And I have to try to explain it all over again.  He still asks, but after he asks, he responds to his own question with, "Pat's with God?"  "Yes, honey, Pat's with God now."  I respond.  He sees my pain, and keeps asking me, "Mommy, you ok?!"  "Let me gib you a hug,"  then he hugs me.  He says, "Mommy, let me gib you a kiss," and not only kisses my mouth, but my cheek, and my forehead.  It is the sweetest thing, ever. 

 

Pat's letter......

Well today was the hardest day of my life.  I know tomorrow won't be any easier, and it will only get worse from here.  I have a long, hard day ahead of me, so I can't write much.  I wanted to share a letter that I wrote for Pat.  I placed it in the casket with him, and also read it aloud at the funeral.  For those of you that weren't able to be at the service, I wanted to share it with you as well.

Dear Pat,

You are the love of my life, and I still cannot believe you are gone.  I cannot wrap my mind around never being able to touch you again, or hold you, or kiss you.  Everyone keep asking me how I am doing.  Well truth be told, I am not ok.  I have lost my best friend.  You were the one who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  You were the one person I could tell anything to.  My rock.  And now your life has come to an end, yet I feel as if mine has too.  You still hold my heart, and now it is shattered into a million pieces.  The future holds nothing but uncertainties, and I am so scared to do this on my own.  I am so scared to be alone.  I miss you so.  I feel so empty inside.

You were the most loving and caring person I have ever met, and you had the hugest heart.  Many people have said that I changed your life.  But the truth is, you eternally changed mine.  You showed me what it was like to be unconditionally loved.  You showed me the meaning of true love. You made me laugh, and knew exactly when I needed to.  You had that sparkle in your eye, and it melted my heart.

You are the most amazing person I have ever met.  I admired you for your courage, and strength.  You admired the little kids who had Leukemia, and other childhood cancers.  You always wondered how they kept smiling.  Yet you never saw the similarities.  You were just like those children.  No matter how much pain you were in, you always wore a smile.  I miss that smile.

I know you are in a better place.  You are finally free of pain.  You are at peace.  Yet that doesn’t make the pain in my heart any less.  And I feel guilty for wanting you back.  Back in my arms.

I look into Kayden’s eyes, and I feel so blessed to be his mommy.  Although with every look, it is a constant reminder, and it breaks my heart to know that you will not be around to watch him, or any of the kids, grow up.  Just know, I will make sure Kayden will grow up knowing who you are.  And Keegan will grow up remembering you.  I promise.  

Music was a huge part of your life.  You were always listening to some kind of music.  You had no bias, you listened to it all.  And I know it’s you sending me songs, of love.  I hear them on the radio, and I think of you. 

You always were the life of the party.  Always trying to make someone laugh, or at least smile.  Always clowning around.  All the memories, they keep flooding back to all of us, like they happened yesterday.  Silly stories like the dime story, when you were a kid, to when you always poked fun at me for being on the phone.  I know that’s you.  Sending all the memories back.  You are just trying to make us all smile once again.

You always said when you were cancer free, we were going to celebrate.  Well now you are cancer free, and we will celebrate.  We will celebrate your life, and we will celebrate that you are where we all long to be one day.  In heaven. 

I know you are looking down on us now, smiling.  I can’t wait to be with you again, and although it seems like an eternity away, I know it will be soon enough, in perfect timing.  When that day comes, I know you will be waiting at the gates, next to Jesus, shining your bright smile, and I will be at peace, at home, at last.

I also want you to know that I will honor you, as my husband.  I will do what you said, and what we talked about many, many late nights.  Trust me when I say, I will not let your courageous fight be in vein. 

My heart aches, and I long to feel your warm embrace, to be held by you once again.  I love you, and I always will.  You will forever be missed, and there will always be a piece of me gone.  My life will never be the same.  You will forever be in my heart, and on my mind.  You will never be forgotten, my Valentine.

Just remember, this is not goodbye, my love, it’s I’ll see you soon.  I love you, more.

Love,
Your wife,
Jen

It's feeling a little heavy.....

Today was a pretty heavy day.  Pat's parents and I went to the funeral home, and talked about the arrangements.   As if being in the funeral home wasn't bad enough itself, I have no idea how we are going to pay for this.  After we picked everything out, the grand total came to roughly $8,000, and that doesn't even include the burial plot.  My head is in a whirlwind right now, and I can't even think straight.  So, humbly, I am asking for your help.  This whole experience has been a humbling one.  I am so grateful that so many people are reaching out to my family, and everyone seems to have perfect timing.  I feel so blessed to call many of you my friends.  I have formed so many new relationships, that I know will be lasting ones.  I feel bonds with people that I haven't felt in years, or maybe never had to begin with, and it's completely amazing to me.  Through all the tears, I can already see God at work.

A few days before Pat passed away, I was up writing on the blog, and I started thinking to myself.  I started to feel guilty, because this is supposed to be Pat's Journey, yet here I was revealing all of my personal, heartfelt feelings.  Then I realized something.  So many people that were reading my blog, were coming to know him through my heart, and my words.  There are people following this blog, who knew Pat, and loved him.  But there were also many people reading, that had never got the privilege to meet him, who were, in a sense, meeting him, and loving him, through my eyes.  And I find it beautiful. 

I also have found that writing this blog, and Pat's story, from my heart of hearts, has been so therapeutic for me.  It helps some to be able to let loose, and get it all out.  There is no one there to interrupt me, it's just me and my thoughts, and a keyboard.  It has honestly been such a huge blessing. 

I cannot write long tonight, as I have another long day ahead of me tomorrow.  I just wanted to get a little off of my heart...it was feeling a little heavy.