Well today I went to the cemetery. It was the first time I have been there, since we buried him. I was scared to go, but I finally got up enough courage to go today. I bought three roses. One from me, one from Keegan, and one from Kayden. We also left three bite sized almond joy bars, those were his favorite. It was hard to be there. The last time I was there, his casket was still up in the air, on the lifting device. Today, obviously, all I saw was dirt. And it was muddy. It made me so sad to think he was under all that dirt. I was thinking, "Was he wet? Was he cold? I should have put a blanket in the casket with him." Then I remember, "Well duh, that's just his body in there. His soul is in Heaven." It's funny how my mind works now a days though. Complete scatterbrain.
I had to try to explain to my 5 year old today about the difference between your body, and your soul. I knew I would be taking him to the cemetery, and I didn't want him to be confused about how Pat could be in two places at once. Man, that was difficult. How do you explain, what a soul is, to a 5 year old? The only thing I could come up with, was that your soul is what's inside you. It's what makes you, you. So I told him that Pat's soul was with God, Jesus, and the angels, and that we buried his body. I told him that we were going to the cemetery, where his body was, to leave him some flowers, and talk to him. He said, "ok," but I could tell by the look on his face he was confused. Poor kid.
We got to the cemetery, and I told him he could talk to Pat if he wanted. He looked at me and said, "Mommy, where's Pat?" I said, "Well, honey, his body is under the dirt, in a box, called a casket. Remember the black and silver box Pat was in? Well that box is called a casket, and it's buried under this dirt. But Pat's soul, is in Heaven with God, and Jesus, and the angels." He said, "ok." Then he looked at the dirt waved, and said, "Hi Pat. (then paused) I love you Pat. (paused again) I miss you Pat." Then he looked at me and said, "Mommy, it's ok to cry?" I said, "Yes honey, if you are sad, it's ok to cry." He then turned around, and started walking towards the car.
There is kind of a cute story behind all of this. When Pat passed away, Keegan was with his biological dad. He didn't get back home until a couple of days before the funeral. So I sat him down, and told him that Pat had died, and he was with God and Jesus, and the angels. I knew he didn't understand, I could just see it in his eyes. The next few days, he asked, "Mommy, where's Pat?" I said, "Well, remember he died? He is with God, honey." A few days later he changed up his response a little, and answered his own question. He said, "Mommy, where's Pat? He's with God?" I responded, "Yes, he's with God, honey." This "responding to his own question" went on for the last couple of weeks. He asks about him at least a few times a day. The other day he came up to me, and said this, "Mommy, where's Pat? With God honey?" Haha! I didn't even know what to say to him! Oh gosh, he is so stinkin cute sometimes!
He repeats a lot of what I say to him. So, the other thing I told him, was that if he is sad, it's ok for him to cry. So now every time we are talking about Pat, he always reiterates to me, "It's ok to cry Mommy?" I say, "Yes, honey, it's ok to cry." I couldn't tell if he was crying today at the cemetery, or not. I do know that when he turned back around, after he walked towards the car, he was rubbing his eyes with his sleeve.
My youngest son, Kayden, who is 2 1/2 months old, is a pretty good baby. He has started sleeping through the night, and is now sleeping for about a 12 hour stretch at night. He is usually such a happy baby. He not only looks just like his Daddy, but he has his personality too! He is always smiling, and cooing, and just a pretty laid back baby. Well, Kayden was uncharacteristically fussy tonight. I started to miss my husband even more. I couldn't help but think, "Why are you not here helping me do this?! Where are you?!" I already hate being a single mom.
So I was reading through my last couple of posts, because to be quite honest with you, I could not remember what they said. After I type them out, I rarely remember what it was I typed about. I mainly read them, to try not to repeat myself too much. As I was reading through them, I looked over at the sidebar, and noticed under the archived posts, it has a category for each month, and a subcategory for each day of that month, and so on. It also has in parenthesis a number next to each month, to represent how many total posts were done in that month. I noticed all of this before, but what I noticed today, kind of took my breath away. Next to February was (14). Ugh. As if I don't think about it enough, it's even right there on my blog. A constant reminder. I'm sure most of you get the connection, but just in case you are lost, my husband passed away on February 14. So I am sitting there thinking, "Really?! I couldn't have done one more post in the month of February? Or one less? I had to do exactly 14? And I couldn't have noticed in February, so I at least could have changed it?" So now until next February, it's going to be like that. Great. Just Great.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Broken record....
Well today has been a hard day. My mom, who has been staying with me, and helping me with the kids, left this morning, to go back to Arkansas, where she lives. I know that without her here, I am going to be that much more lonely. It's time for reality to kick in. It's just me and my boys. It sucks.
I feel blessed that I at least got to spend a few weeks with her. I am not sure how I would have survived without her help. Now it's time for me to do it alone. I wish she lived closer. With gas prices sky-rocketing, I am sure we won't be able to see each other as often. I have a lot of people here for support. No one is quite the same as your momma though. Also it's different because she was staying with me. Here all the time. Nobody else is always here. Except me. Alone.
There's another part to my day that just made me want to scream. Here is a little bit of background info first. So Pat and I talked a few times, after Kayden was born, about trying to have another child. Now, Kayden, was pretty much a miracle baby. They told us, Pat would most likely be sterile, after going through chemotherapy. We got pregnant the night of our wedding, only a couple of months before he started chemotherapy. Kayden was a miracle. Even though he was a miracle, we still talked about trying again. Beating the odds. The last conversation we had about it though, he had wanted to wait. He didn't want me to be pregnant, and have to take care of him, while we went out on these trials. He didn't want the added stress on my shoulders (always thinking of everyone else, that was my husband!)
I was talking to my Mom the other day about it, and I told her I so badly wanted to be pregnant, and with his little girl. I told her how I had regretted not pushing the subject more, because at the time, I just went along with it, even though I actually did want to try. I know it probably sounds crazy because Kayden is only 2 1/2 months old now, but I wanted a little girl. So, here I was, praying that by some miracle of God, I could have gotten pregnant. Well, today, the news came. My auntie, "Flo", came for an unexpectedly expected visit today, the day my mom left. My heart hit the floor.
I do realize that I sound like a mad woman right now. But I wanted another piece of him to live on. I do understand on the logical side of things, that another child, would be more added stress. I also understand it would have been the hardest pregnancy and birth, emotionally, of my life. But all of those negatives didn't matter to me. I still wanted it so badly. And now it's vanished into thin air. I hate you auntie "Flo."
Honestly, I can't believe I just wrote that last paragraph. A little mortifying that I am telling the world about my monthly cycles, actually. There is probably some guy out there asking his wife, "Huh, I wonder why her auntie "Flo" would have anything to do with her finding out she is not pregnant? How would she know?" Hope at least a few of you smiled at that.
Today I changed Pat's facebook name. That was a hard step to take. I had been thinking about it for a while, but could never bring myself to actually follow through with it. I would log into his account (which I do often), but always back out of it, before I actually changed it. Then last week, I tried to do it, and once I had it all in there, I clicked 'save changes' and it popped back with an error message. It said there were too many words. Relief. Weird, I know, but it was almost a relief to know I couldn't change it. I remembered, before Pat passed away, seeing another memorial facebook account, and today I did a search for 'in loving memory.' The results came back, and I looked at a few of them to see how they changed it. I figured out that if I put dashes between the words, it might accept it. So tonight that's what I did. I almost hoped that it wouldn't work. But it did. So his facebook account is no longer Patrick Nave. It's In-Loving Memory-Of Patrick Nave. Gulp.
Our living situation is still stressing me out. We are still living in a hotel. Thankfully it's not a nasty hotel or anything like that. Actually Pat's Aunt, Cindy, owns it, and put us in an apartment style suite, and it's very nice. Luckily, she hasn't ever asked for a dime for us staying here, but we do have to figure something out by the end of this month. She has it rented out for 6 months. So I have been desperately trying to figure out what to do. With limited funds, it makes that decision even harder. It's not the initial financial upset, that scares me. It's a couple months down the road that does. Right now, I have enough to get into a place. I can't remember if I posted about this before or not, but what worries me, is that I think most people are going to expect me to be moving in a positive direction in a couple of months, and expect me to start working again. That very well could be the case. I could be ready. Then again, I could not. That's what scares me. The unknowns.
From the outside looking in, I'm sure it looks like I am doing ok. And I guess maybe that's a good thing. But the reality of it, is that on the inside I feel like I have nothing left. I feel completely empty. I try not to cry in front of people, because I know it makes things awkward. I start feeling the emotions come on, and I try to sidetrack my thoughts. It usually works. How long it will work for, I am not sure.
Today was the first day I have been pretty much all alone. It was a hard day (especially coupled with the rest of today's happenings.) I didn't even get out of my pajamas today. I think to myself, if I didn't have these two boys to take care of, I don't know how I would do this. It would make it that much harder to want to get out of bed in the mornings. Right now, I am pretty much forced to get out of bed, to take care of them. But without them, I am pretty sure I would stay in bed for, well weeks probably. I just really have no motivation.
I have dreamed of him a few times now. Not quite the dreams I was hoping to have. Not really anything like a nightmare, well the nightmare comes when I wake up. I dream that he comes back as a ghost, and everyone can see him. I think people are going to think I am crazy, so I try to talk to him softly, or try not to stare at him, yet I find it impossible. Then I realize that everyone else can see him too. I am not sure why this is a disappointing dream to me, because I am really not sure what I want out of the dreams. I guess just to feel him again. To hug him, and kiss him, and touch him, and have him hold me again.
We had a birthday party for Keegan on Saturday. His actual birthday was on Thursday. The party wasn't quite so bad. My mind was occupied with screaming kids. Thursday was hard though. I didn't really think it would be, but once it was here, it kind of hit me like a ton of bricks. It was the first 'holiday' that we were going to celebrate, without Pat. And it sucked.
Our one year anniversary is coming up on the 27th, and I cannot even imagine what that day is going to be like. My eyes well up with tears, just thinking about it. It just makes me so mad that we won't be able to celebrate that day together. We were both so excited, and looking forward to it. Why not just a couple more months? Why on Valentine's Day for crying out loud? I get angry often these days. Just thinking about it all, makes my mind go crazy. The other day, I was home by myself, and I broke down in tears, and started screaming. I kept yelling, "Why?! Where are you?! Why aren't you here with me?! Why did you leave?! You promised you would never leave me! And yet you are gone now!" Wow, just typing that, I think I just re-lived it all over again, because the tears started flowing again. I am just so angry. Not really at him, not really at God. Just angry. I want him back. This wasn't supposed to end up this way. We were supposed to grow old together. It's just not fair.
I thought about posting a few different times this week, but didn't. I feel like I am just a broken record. I am sure sooner or later (if it hasn't happened already), people are going to get bored with reading this blog, because I keep posting about the same thing. It feels somewhat therapeutic to get all of this off of my chest, but at the same time, I feel like I just keep repeating the same things over and over again. Broken or not, it's the record of my heart. I just miss my husband. End of story.
I feel blessed that I at least got to spend a few weeks with her. I am not sure how I would have survived without her help. Now it's time for me to do it alone. I wish she lived closer. With gas prices sky-rocketing, I am sure we won't be able to see each other as often. I have a lot of people here for support. No one is quite the same as your momma though. Also it's different because she was staying with me. Here all the time. Nobody else is always here. Except me. Alone.
There's another part to my day that just made me want to scream. Here is a little bit of background info first. So Pat and I talked a few times, after Kayden was born, about trying to have another child. Now, Kayden, was pretty much a miracle baby. They told us, Pat would most likely be sterile, after going through chemotherapy. We got pregnant the night of our wedding, only a couple of months before he started chemotherapy. Kayden was a miracle. Even though he was a miracle, we still talked about trying again. Beating the odds. The last conversation we had about it though, he had wanted to wait. He didn't want me to be pregnant, and have to take care of him, while we went out on these trials. He didn't want the added stress on my shoulders (always thinking of everyone else, that was my husband!)
I was talking to my Mom the other day about it, and I told her I so badly wanted to be pregnant, and with his little girl. I told her how I had regretted not pushing the subject more, because at the time, I just went along with it, even though I actually did want to try. I know it probably sounds crazy because Kayden is only 2 1/2 months old now, but I wanted a little girl. So, here I was, praying that by some miracle of God, I could have gotten pregnant. Well, today, the news came. My auntie, "Flo", came for an unexpectedly expected visit today, the day my mom left. My heart hit the floor.
I do realize that I sound like a mad woman right now. But I wanted another piece of him to live on. I do understand on the logical side of things, that another child, would be more added stress. I also understand it would have been the hardest pregnancy and birth, emotionally, of my life. But all of those negatives didn't matter to me. I still wanted it so badly. And now it's vanished into thin air. I hate you auntie "Flo."
Honestly, I can't believe I just wrote that last paragraph. A little mortifying that I am telling the world about my monthly cycles, actually. There is probably some guy out there asking his wife, "Huh, I wonder why her auntie "Flo" would have anything to do with her finding out she is not pregnant? How would she know?" Hope at least a few of you smiled at that.
Today I changed Pat's facebook name. That was a hard step to take. I had been thinking about it for a while, but could never bring myself to actually follow through with it. I would log into his account (which I do often), but always back out of it, before I actually changed it. Then last week, I tried to do it, and once I had it all in there, I clicked 'save changes' and it popped back with an error message. It said there were too many words. Relief. Weird, I know, but it was almost a relief to know I couldn't change it. I remembered, before Pat passed away, seeing another memorial facebook account, and today I did a search for 'in loving memory.' The results came back, and I looked at a few of them to see how they changed it. I figured out that if I put dashes between the words, it might accept it. So tonight that's what I did. I almost hoped that it wouldn't work. But it did. So his facebook account is no longer Patrick Nave. It's In-Loving Memory-Of Patrick Nave. Gulp.
Our living situation is still stressing me out. We are still living in a hotel. Thankfully it's not a nasty hotel or anything like that. Actually Pat's Aunt, Cindy, owns it, and put us in an apartment style suite, and it's very nice. Luckily, she hasn't ever asked for a dime for us staying here, but we do have to figure something out by the end of this month. She has it rented out for 6 months. So I have been desperately trying to figure out what to do. With limited funds, it makes that decision even harder. It's not the initial financial upset, that scares me. It's a couple months down the road that does. Right now, I have enough to get into a place. I can't remember if I posted about this before or not, but what worries me, is that I think most people are going to expect me to be moving in a positive direction in a couple of months, and expect me to start working again. That very well could be the case. I could be ready. Then again, I could not. That's what scares me. The unknowns.
From the outside looking in, I'm sure it looks like I am doing ok. And I guess maybe that's a good thing. But the reality of it, is that on the inside I feel like I have nothing left. I feel completely empty. I try not to cry in front of people, because I know it makes things awkward. I start feeling the emotions come on, and I try to sidetrack my thoughts. It usually works. How long it will work for, I am not sure.
Today was the first day I have been pretty much all alone. It was a hard day (especially coupled with the rest of today's happenings.) I didn't even get out of my pajamas today. I think to myself, if I didn't have these two boys to take care of, I don't know how I would do this. It would make it that much harder to want to get out of bed in the mornings. Right now, I am pretty much forced to get out of bed, to take care of them. But without them, I am pretty sure I would stay in bed for, well weeks probably. I just really have no motivation.
I have dreamed of him a few times now. Not quite the dreams I was hoping to have. Not really anything like a nightmare, well the nightmare comes when I wake up. I dream that he comes back as a ghost, and everyone can see him. I think people are going to think I am crazy, so I try to talk to him softly, or try not to stare at him, yet I find it impossible. Then I realize that everyone else can see him too. I am not sure why this is a disappointing dream to me, because I am really not sure what I want out of the dreams. I guess just to feel him again. To hug him, and kiss him, and touch him, and have him hold me again.
We had a birthday party for Keegan on Saturday. His actual birthday was on Thursday. The party wasn't quite so bad. My mind was occupied with screaming kids. Thursday was hard though. I didn't really think it would be, but once it was here, it kind of hit me like a ton of bricks. It was the first 'holiday' that we were going to celebrate, without Pat. And it sucked.
Our one year anniversary is coming up on the 27th, and I cannot even imagine what that day is going to be like. My eyes well up with tears, just thinking about it. It just makes me so mad that we won't be able to celebrate that day together. We were both so excited, and looking forward to it. Why not just a couple more months? Why on Valentine's Day for crying out loud? I get angry often these days. Just thinking about it all, makes my mind go crazy. The other day, I was home by myself, and I broke down in tears, and started screaming. I kept yelling, "Why?! Where are you?! Why aren't you here with me?! Why did you leave?! You promised you would never leave me! And yet you are gone now!" Wow, just typing that, I think I just re-lived it all over again, because the tears started flowing again. I am just so angry. Not really at him, not really at God. Just angry. I want him back. This wasn't supposed to end up this way. We were supposed to grow old together. It's just not fair.
I thought about posting a few different times this week, but didn't. I feel like I am just a broken record. I am sure sooner or later (if it hasn't happened already), people are going to get bored with reading this blog, because I keep posting about the same thing. It feels somewhat therapeutic to get all of this off of my chest, but at the same time, I feel like I just keep repeating the same things over and over again. Broken or not, it's the record of my heart. I just miss my husband. End of story.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
My mind is still in a whirlwind.....
So I am not even sure where to begin tonight. My mind is still in a whirlwind, and I have had so many different thoughts throughout the week, yet they all seem to vanish once my fingers hit the keyboard.
Well first things first. I know it has been a while since I last posted. The laptop that I was using was my Mom's, and it crashed. I wanted to get one of my own anyway, because I knew she would be taking her laptop back home with her. So yesterday, I bought a new one, with the help of my Momma, my Brother, and my Sister-in-law. So a big shout-out to them, I love you guys!
My main concern with the computer crashing, wasn't so much not being able to get online, but that all of my pictures are on that computer. I posted many of them to facebook, and can get those ones from there, but there were tons that I didn't post to facebook too. Tomorrow I am going to try to take the crashed computer to best buy. They can pull all of the files off that computer, and transfer them to my new computer. That's only if they haven't been wiped out already. So please pray they are still on there!
I have really been missing my husband today. These last couple of weeks have really been an emotional roller coaster. The last few months have been, but especially since he passed away. It's strange how one minute I can be 'ok'. I can think to myself that I am going to be alright, and we will see each other again. That although right now it seems like an eternity, when compared to an eternity, this life on earth, is a mere blink of an eye. Then literally, two minutes later, bam! I'm going the complete opposite direction. The smallest things will remind me of him, and it brings me sadness that he is no longer here to enjoy life along side of me.
This is probably going to sound silly because it's materialistic items, but here is an example. My husband loved to watch movies. He collected VHS tapes, when we lived in Billings. Mainly because we couldn't afford a very large collection of DVD's. So we would always go to garage sales, or to thrift stores. He would get so excited when he would come across VHS tapes, because they were fairly inexpensive, and we could afford for him to pick out a few each time. Over the past couple of years, we have collected probably close to a couple hundred. When we moved to Oklahoma, we didn't bring a TV or a VCR with us. We bought a cheap TV when we got there, and he brought his old XBOX with us, so we could play DVD's. So while we were down there, he would get used DVD's every now and then, and also got a few for Christmas. Also for Christmas, my Mom got us a new TV. It was a flat panel LCD TV. Neither of us had ever owned a nice TV, and his expression was priceless, when he opened the gift. I thought his jaw was going to hit the ground. He couldn't wait to watch his collection of movies, on this new TV. As I was thinking about this earlier, it occurred to me that he was so excited about this new TV, and now he doesn't even get to enjoy it with me. I know this sounds so silly, because it's a TV, and he is in Heaven, where there are much better things than TV's, but it still made me sad.
Here's another thing that crossed my mind earlier. I know this is probably going to sound even more silly than the TV. So my neighbors in Oklahoma, were gracious enough to pack up our entire trailer for us. (Thanks Shelley and Rachel!!) My Dad and my Brother, drove down to Oklahoma, and loaded it all into a U-Haul trailer, and hauled it back up to Billings. (Thanks Dad and Jason!) Earlier I was thinking about all the stuff we had. An iced-tea maker popped in my mind, and immediately the sadness came through.
My mom always drinks iced tea. She has the 'sweet tea' formulation down to a tee. We stayed with my Mom for about 2 weeks when we first moved down there, until we found our own place. Pat learned her 'recipe' in a short time, and was always making jokes about 'stealing her iced-tea maker'. So he also got that for Christmas, and was pretty excited about it. So as silly as it sounds, it made me sad that he wasn't still here to be able to enjoy iced-tea made from his own iced-tea maker.
The emotions I have felt recently, are, put quite simply: draining. I go from happiness (well maybe happiness isn't the right word, but I don't think "okayness" is really a word), to extreme sadness, to anger, to being upset, to being furious, to feeling disgusted, to being fearful, to being disappointed, and then they start back over again. I never even knew some of these emotions existed. The weird thing about it is, some of them, all come on at once. They don't just happen one by one, as I may be able to handle it that way. They all come simultaneously.
This really has been the weirdest experience of my life. I don't really know what to expect of my future, or what it holds for that matter. It scares me too much to really think about it. I know that right now, I am a single mother, and a widow at 26 years old. Not only does my future scare me, so does my present. I am a 26 year old widow. Just let that sink in for a moment, because it still hasn't sunken in for me yet. 26 years old. Remind me again, how did I end up here?
I'm sure this post doesn't flow well at all, and for that, I apologize. My mind races about 220 mph, and I can't ever keep up. I am a complete scatterbrain. Something will pop into my head, and before my fingers can reach the keyboard to let it all out, its gone. I cannot concentrate on the smallest tasks. I am always forgetting what I am doing, or why I am doing it. Probably a combination of the present circumstances, mixed with "mommy brain." Not a good combination, I am sure.
I have been planning a birthday party for my oldest son, Keegan. He will be five years old on the 3rd. Can't tell you what day of the week that falls on, because I don't think I even know what today is. That aside, it has been hard to plan, because I know my husband won't be here for it. It tears me up inside. I know it's only going to get worse from here.
I have also been trying to look for a place to live. We are still currently living in the hotel. I am stressing a little (ok, not a little, more like a lot), because I am not ready to go back to work. I don't know when I will be ready. I am sure most people think within a couple of months I should just be doing fine, and be ready to go back. I am sure if I was on the outside looking in, I would probably think the same thing. What I fear though, is that in a couple of months, I will be worse than I am today.
My mom has been staying with me, and helping me with the kids (Thanks Mom!) I honestly don't know what I would do without her. She will be leaving soon, and I will be completely on my own. Also, like I mentioned in a previous post, right now I miss him like I would expect to miss him, if he were on vacation. He hasn't been gone that long, and I know it is going to get harder before it gets any easier. So my biggest fear, is that while everyone is expecting me to be working forward, I will do a major backslide. So I am worried that I will get into a place, and be forced to go back to work, when I am not ready. I have been looking into low-income housing, but the waiting lists are horrifically long. So please pray that we will find something, soon.
This whole experience has brought out friendships that I never had with people. It's so strange to me, yet comforting at the same time. I have had so many people reach out to me and my boys, and I feel extremely blessed in that sense. Not just financially (although we have had that as well), but emotionally. I have formed friendships with people, that I hardly knew, or didn't know at all, before this. The weirdest part about these friendships, is that I hardly know anything about these people, yet I feel so close to them, and feel like I can talk to them. Most friendships, you get to know a person first, and based off their qualities, beliefs, and so on, you make a decision about whether or not you want to pursue friendship with that person. With these new found friendships I have gained, it has worked the opposite way. The more I learn about these people, the more I realize how much we have in common, but we started them backwards. It's like God put these people in my life, and said, "Here are your friends, lean on them." Instead of me choosing them, He did for me. I kind of like that.
Before I end, I would like to say thank you to anyone who has offered any type of support. Whether it was financial support, a card of sympathy, a hug, a smile, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, whatever it may have been, I want you to know I truly appreciate it. It really means a lot to me, that you have taken time out of your crazy hectic life, to show me and my family that you care.
Love,
Jen
Well first things first. I know it has been a while since I last posted. The laptop that I was using was my Mom's, and it crashed. I wanted to get one of my own anyway, because I knew she would be taking her laptop back home with her. So yesterday, I bought a new one, with the help of my Momma, my Brother, and my Sister-in-law. So a big shout-out to them, I love you guys!
My main concern with the computer crashing, wasn't so much not being able to get online, but that all of my pictures are on that computer. I posted many of them to facebook, and can get those ones from there, but there were tons that I didn't post to facebook too. Tomorrow I am going to try to take the crashed computer to best buy. They can pull all of the files off that computer, and transfer them to my new computer. That's only if they haven't been wiped out already. So please pray they are still on there!
I have really been missing my husband today. These last couple of weeks have really been an emotional roller coaster. The last few months have been, but especially since he passed away. It's strange how one minute I can be 'ok'. I can think to myself that I am going to be alright, and we will see each other again. That although right now it seems like an eternity, when compared to an eternity, this life on earth, is a mere blink of an eye. Then literally, two minutes later, bam! I'm going the complete opposite direction. The smallest things will remind me of him, and it brings me sadness that he is no longer here to enjoy life along side of me.
This is probably going to sound silly because it's materialistic items, but here is an example. My husband loved to watch movies. He collected VHS tapes, when we lived in Billings. Mainly because we couldn't afford a very large collection of DVD's. So we would always go to garage sales, or to thrift stores. He would get so excited when he would come across VHS tapes, because they were fairly inexpensive, and we could afford for him to pick out a few each time. Over the past couple of years, we have collected probably close to a couple hundred. When we moved to Oklahoma, we didn't bring a TV or a VCR with us. We bought a cheap TV when we got there, and he brought his old XBOX with us, so we could play DVD's. So while we were down there, he would get used DVD's every now and then, and also got a few for Christmas. Also for Christmas, my Mom got us a new TV. It was a flat panel LCD TV. Neither of us had ever owned a nice TV, and his expression was priceless, when he opened the gift. I thought his jaw was going to hit the ground. He couldn't wait to watch his collection of movies, on this new TV. As I was thinking about this earlier, it occurred to me that he was so excited about this new TV, and now he doesn't even get to enjoy it with me. I know this sounds so silly, because it's a TV, and he is in Heaven, where there are much better things than TV's, but it still made me sad.
Here's another thing that crossed my mind earlier. I know this is probably going to sound even more silly than the TV. So my neighbors in Oklahoma, were gracious enough to pack up our entire trailer for us. (Thanks Shelley and Rachel!!) My Dad and my Brother, drove down to Oklahoma, and loaded it all into a U-Haul trailer, and hauled it back up to Billings. (Thanks Dad and Jason!) Earlier I was thinking about all the stuff we had. An iced-tea maker popped in my mind, and immediately the sadness came through.
My mom always drinks iced tea. She has the 'sweet tea' formulation down to a tee. We stayed with my Mom for about 2 weeks when we first moved down there, until we found our own place. Pat learned her 'recipe' in a short time, and was always making jokes about 'stealing her iced-tea maker'. So he also got that for Christmas, and was pretty excited about it. So as silly as it sounds, it made me sad that he wasn't still here to be able to enjoy iced-tea made from his own iced-tea maker.
The emotions I have felt recently, are, put quite simply: draining. I go from happiness (well maybe happiness isn't the right word, but I don't think "okayness" is really a word), to extreme sadness, to anger, to being upset, to being furious, to feeling disgusted, to being fearful, to being disappointed, and then they start back over again. I never even knew some of these emotions existed. The weird thing about it is, some of them, all come on at once. They don't just happen one by one, as I may be able to handle it that way. They all come simultaneously.
This really has been the weirdest experience of my life. I don't really know what to expect of my future, or what it holds for that matter. It scares me too much to really think about it. I know that right now, I am a single mother, and a widow at 26 years old. Not only does my future scare me, so does my present. I am a 26 year old widow. Just let that sink in for a moment, because it still hasn't sunken in for me yet. 26 years old. Remind me again, how did I end up here?
I'm sure this post doesn't flow well at all, and for that, I apologize. My mind races about 220 mph, and I can't ever keep up. I am a complete scatterbrain. Something will pop into my head, and before my fingers can reach the keyboard to let it all out, its gone. I cannot concentrate on the smallest tasks. I am always forgetting what I am doing, or why I am doing it. Probably a combination of the present circumstances, mixed with "mommy brain." Not a good combination, I am sure.
I have been planning a birthday party for my oldest son, Keegan. He will be five years old on the 3rd. Can't tell you what day of the week that falls on, because I don't think I even know what today is. That aside, it has been hard to plan, because I know my husband won't be here for it. It tears me up inside. I know it's only going to get worse from here.
I have also been trying to look for a place to live. We are still currently living in the hotel. I am stressing a little (ok, not a little, more like a lot), because I am not ready to go back to work. I don't know when I will be ready. I am sure most people think within a couple of months I should just be doing fine, and be ready to go back. I am sure if I was on the outside looking in, I would probably think the same thing. What I fear though, is that in a couple of months, I will be worse than I am today.
My mom has been staying with me, and helping me with the kids (Thanks Mom!) I honestly don't know what I would do without her. She will be leaving soon, and I will be completely on my own. Also, like I mentioned in a previous post, right now I miss him like I would expect to miss him, if he were on vacation. He hasn't been gone that long, and I know it is going to get harder before it gets any easier. So my biggest fear, is that while everyone is expecting me to be working forward, I will do a major backslide. So I am worried that I will get into a place, and be forced to go back to work, when I am not ready. I have been looking into low-income housing, but the waiting lists are horrifically long. So please pray that we will find something, soon.
This whole experience has brought out friendships that I never had with people. It's so strange to me, yet comforting at the same time. I have had so many people reach out to me and my boys, and I feel extremely blessed in that sense. Not just financially (although we have had that as well), but emotionally. I have formed friendships with people, that I hardly knew, or didn't know at all, before this. The weirdest part about these friendships, is that I hardly know anything about these people, yet I feel so close to them, and feel like I can talk to them. Most friendships, you get to know a person first, and based off their qualities, beliefs, and so on, you make a decision about whether or not you want to pursue friendship with that person. With these new found friendships I have gained, it has worked the opposite way. The more I learn about these people, the more I realize how much we have in common, but we started them backwards. It's like God put these people in my life, and said, "Here are your friends, lean on them." Instead of me choosing them, He did for me. I kind of like that.
Before I end, I would like to say thank you to anyone who has offered any type of support. Whether it was financial support, a card of sympathy, a hug, a smile, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, whatever it may have been, I want you to know I truly appreciate it. It really means a lot to me, that you have taken time out of your crazy hectic life, to show me and my family that you care.
Love,
Jen
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
I have never felt so lost.....
Today has been a weird day. I have never felt so lost in my life. I don't know where to turn, or where to go. I know this road is going to be a long hard one.
I know it hasn't fully sunk in yet. Every time I think about him being gone, I get the hugest knot in my stomach. I hit that damn brick wall every time. It's like my mind won't grasp around reality, so I have to keep going through it all over again.
I hate this 'new' life, because he's no longer in it.
Today I looked into a young widows online support group. An old friend recommended it. I thought it would be a good thing, and I think eventually it will be. Some of it is comforting, to know I am not alone in going through this. To know there are others out there, around my age, that have suffered the loss of their spouse. On some level it is comforting to know that these people do move forward, not necessarily on, but forward. But (oh, yes, there is always a but) it is also so hard for me to read some of these posts, about people moving forward. It seems so unattainable at this point, that it makes it worse. It makes me more sad.
I think eventually I will be able to read these posts, and feel good about them. Right now, it's just too much to take in. Too much, at one time. I'm sure my opinions will change, maybe even from day to day. I think that is part of the healing process. But things like, when to take your rings off, don't even seem like options right now. They don't seem like something I even want to do. Ever. I have read that this is part of the grieving process, and I'm not sure if that's comforting or not. Apparently it is normal to not want to let go of anything at this point, and eventually it will be something that I will let go. That's what scares me. I don't want to ever want to let go of any of it. I sleep with his coat, every night. I don't want to one day, not want to sleep with it.
Plain and simply put, I just miss my husband. I want him back. Now. I want this pain to go away. Now.
I guess I thought that two or three months from now, it would be starting to get easier. From what I read today, that is when it only begins. It's not until 6 months that it starts to get easier, and for many people 'healing' doesn't fully begin anywhere from 2-5 years. Years. If it's this hard, at only a week out, what will it be like in a month? Or two? Or four? Or on the one year mark? At this point, he could just have gone away for a vacation. That's what missing him would feel like, since it's only been a week. So how am I going to handle this, when it really sinks in, and when he's been gone for a while? I am a wreck as it is. The future is utterly terrifying to me.
I didn't want to do anything today. I stayed in my pajamas for most of the day. I had to force myself to take a shower. I don't want to leave the house, and I know it will only get worse from here. I was just utterly lost. In the previous days, I had 'something to look forward to'. Not that I actually looked forward to burying my husband, but all the details kept my mind occupied. Now it's all over, and my mind is starting to wander. The "what ifs" are eating my mind alive. I cannot concentrate on even the simplest tasks. Even while I am writing this tonight, I am losing my train of thought. I literally have to keep going back, to figure out what I was writing about. Something will pop in my head, but I forget within a matter of a few seconds. I feel like I am a two year old again. I have no attention span. I can't help but wonder, how I am going to do this on my own. How am I going to be able to function? When everyone else 'goes back to normal', and I am still stuck in neutral. I have two little boys to take care of, and right now I have help, and it's still hard, and I'm hardly doing anything. What will this be like when I am really on my own? Especially to think that I haven't even hit the hardest part yet, and that's when I will have only myself to count on.
I also cannot get the 'whys' out of my head. Why him? Why me? Why us? We were just starting our lives out together. We hadn't even made it a year yet. So close. Why Valentine's Day? Why?
When I took my vows, I took them seriously, and I took them thinking, "Till MY death does us part." Not his. So where am I supposed to go from here?
When I signed up for an account through the widow support group, it asked me a question. "Was your spouse's death expected, or sudden?" I couldn't help but think, "Well it was suddenly expected, and does it matter?" Does it somehow make it easier that in the back of my mind, this could be the end result of this? Well, the answer is a clear and resounding, NO! I honestly never thought it would play out like this. I thought some treatment would work. I had hope. Unfortunately it did happen, and now I'm the one stuck in the mud, trying to pull myself out. But it's not mud, it's quicksand. The more I fight, the deeper I go. Even the last couple of days, when we did pretty much know this was the end, knowing didn't make it any easier. It was the most traumatic thing I have ever watched play out before my eyes. Did I get to have some talks with him, that I may not have gotten if it would have been unexpected? Yes. Does that make it any easier to deal with? No! I had to sit back, helplessly, and watch my husband struggle for air. I watched him take his last breath, as it felt like I was suddenly the one struggling to breathe. I fell to his shoulders, and started sobbing. Shaking my head in disbelief of what had just occurred before my eyes. It was not pretty, and now those are the images that are ingrained in my mind. They pop in suddenly, and overtake my thoughts. It feels like someone punches me in the gut, every time. And that's when I go through it all over again. Trying to make sense of it all. And none of it ever makes any sense. I just want to scream, and yell, and scream some more.
The happiness has been getting to me lately. Not so much from my friends and family, but from people I don't know. I see them walking with smiles, and it just irritates me. I think mostly because I envy them. I hate the fact that I used to be so happy. I used to love my life, and now it's turned into hatred. I fear that it will turn into bitterness, and I don't want to be bitter. I see it on facebook, people just going about their everyday lives, like nothing has happened. And to most of them, nothing has, so really I expect nothing more. But for me, my whole world has been turned upside down, and it's so hard to see other people living normal lives. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying I don't notice people stepping up, and being there. Because I most definitely do. I have had people contact me that I haven't talked to in years. People I don't even know, have offered their hand of support. And I am grateful. But nothing takes the pain away. Nothing. And it just hurts to see people, happy and normal. Especially when I am depressed, and my life has become so unexpectedly abnormal. I think it irritates me so much, because I was there once. My status updates used to be oh so casual, like the majority of people. And I just so badly want to be back where I was. I miss my old life, the one that had him in it.
I want to dream of him. In the most recent months, we talked on the phone a lot. He would be in the hospital, and I would be at home, or at the hotel. Every night before we got off the phone, we would say goodnight. After our I love you's, he would say, "Dream of me." I would respond, "Ok, babe, I'll meet you in my dreams." I so badly right now want to meet him in my dreams, yet they will not come. Instead I'm stuck in a nightmare, I call it my life. I wouldn't wish this 'life' on my worst enemy. Total and utter despair. The only words I can use to describe it.
I know it hasn't fully sunk in yet. Every time I think about him being gone, I get the hugest knot in my stomach. I hit that damn brick wall every time. It's like my mind won't grasp around reality, so I have to keep going through it all over again.
I hate this 'new' life, because he's no longer in it.
Today I looked into a young widows online support group. An old friend recommended it. I thought it would be a good thing, and I think eventually it will be. Some of it is comforting, to know I am not alone in going through this. To know there are others out there, around my age, that have suffered the loss of their spouse. On some level it is comforting to know that these people do move forward, not necessarily on, but forward. But (oh, yes, there is always a but) it is also so hard for me to read some of these posts, about people moving forward. It seems so unattainable at this point, that it makes it worse. It makes me more sad.
I think eventually I will be able to read these posts, and feel good about them. Right now, it's just too much to take in. Too much, at one time. I'm sure my opinions will change, maybe even from day to day. I think that is part of the healing process. But things like, when to take your rings off, don't even seem like options right now. They don't seem like something I even want to do. Ever. I have read that this is part of the grieving process, and I'm not sure if that's comforting or not. Apparently it is normal to not want to let go of anything at this point, and eventually it will be something that I will let go. That's what scares me. I don't want to ever want to let go of any of it. I sleep with his coat, every night. I don't want to one day, not want to sleep with it.
Plain and simply put, I just miss my husband. I want him back. Now. I want this pain to go away. Now.
I guess I thought that two or three months from now, it would be starting to get easier. From what I read today, that is when it only begins. It's not until 6 months that it starts to get easier, and for many people 'healing' doesn't fully begin anywhere from 2-5 years. Years. If it's this hard, at only a week out, what will it be like in a month? Or two? Or four? Or on the one year mark? At this point, he could just have gone away for a vacation. That's what missing him would feel like, since it's only been a week. So how am I going to handle this, when it really sinks in, and when he's been gone for a while? I am a wreck as it is. The future is utterly terrifying to me.
I didn't want to do anything today. I stayed in my pajamas for most of the day. I had to force myself to take a shower. I don't want to leave the house, and I know it will only get worse from here. I was just utterly lost. In the previous days, I had 'something to look forward to'. Not that I actually looked forward to burying my husband, but all the details kept my mind occupied. Now it's all over, and my mind is starting to wander. The "what ifs" are eating my mind alive. I cannot concentrate on even the simplest tasks. Even while I am writing this tonight, I am losing my train of thought. I literally have to keep going back, to figure out what I was writing about. Something will pop in my head, but I forget within a matter of a few seconds. I feel like I am a two year old again. I have no attention span. I can't help but wonder, how I am going to do this on my own. How am I going to be able to function? When everyone else 'goes back to normal', and I am still stuck in neutral. I have two little boys to take care of, and right now I have help, and it's still hard, and I'm hardly doing anything. What will this be like when I am really on my own? Especially to think that I haven't even hit the hardest part yet, and that's when I will have only myself to count on.
I also cannot get the 'whys' out of my head. Why him? Why me? Why us? We were just starting our lives out together. We hadn't even made it a year yet. So close. Why Valentine's Day? Why?
When I took my vows, I took them seriously, and I took them thinking, "Till MY death does us part." Not his. So where am I supposed to go from here?
When I signed up for an account through the widow support group, it asked me a question. "Was your spouse's death expected, or sudden?" I couldn't help but think, "Well it was suddenly expected, and does it matter?" Does it somehow make it easier that in the back of my mind, this could be the end result of this? Well, the answer is a clear and resounding, NO! I honestly never thought it would play out like this. I thought some treatment would work. I had hope. Unfortunately it did happen, and now I'm the one stuck in the mud, trying to pull myself out. But it's not mud, it's quicksand. The more I fight, the deeper I go. Even the last couple of days, when we did pretty much know this was the end, knowing didn't make it any easier. It was the most traumatic thing I have ever watched play out before my eyes. Did I get to have some talks with him, that I may not have gotten if it would have been unexpected? Yes. Does that make it any easier to deal with? No! I had to sit back, helplessly, and watch my husband struggle for air. I watched him take his last breath, as it felt like I was suddenly the one struggling to breathe. I fell to his shoulders, and started sobbing. Shaking my head in disbelief of what had just occurred before my eyes. It was not pretty, and now those are the images that are ingrained in my mind. They pop in suddenly, and overtake my thoughts. It feels like someone punches me in the gut, every time. And that's when I go through it all over again. Trying to make sense of it all. And none of it ever makes any sense. I just want to scream, and yell, and scream some more.
The happiness has been getting to me lately. Not so much from my friends and family, but from people I don't know. I see them walking with smiles, and it just irritates me. I think mostly because I envy them. I hate the fact that I used to be so happy. I used to love my life, and now it's turned into hatred. I fear that it will turn into bitterness, and I don't want to be bitter. I see it on facebook, people just going about their everyday lives, like nothing has happened. And to most of them, nothing has, so really I expect nothing more. But for me, my whole world has been turned upside down, and it's so hard to see other people living normal lives. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying I don't notice people stepping up, and being there. Because I most definitely do. I have had people contact me that I haven't talked to in years. People I don't even know, have offered their hand of support. And I am grateful. But nothing takes the pain away. Nothing. And it just hurts to see people, happy and normal. Especially when I am depressed, and my life has become so unexpectedly abnormal. I think it irritates me so much, because I was there once. My status updates used to be oh so casual, like the majority of people. And I just so badly want to be back where I was. I miss my old life, the one that had him in it.
I want to dream of him. In the most recent months, we talked on the phone a lot. He would be in the hospital, and I would be at home, or at the hotel. Every night before we got off the phone, we would say goodnight. After our I love you's, he would say, "Dream of me." I would respond, "Ok, babe, I'll meet you in my dreams." I so badly right now want to meet him in my dreams, yet they will not come. Instead I'm stuck in a nightmare, I call it my life. I wouldn't wish this 'life' on my worst enemy. Total and utter despair. The only words I can use to describe it.
Monday, February 21, 2011
How did I end up here?
I really am at a loss for words today. I am not sure how I ended up here, but I don't like it. I have been pretty numb this past week. So numb, that I feel guilty for not crying when others are. I kept asking myself, "why am I not crying? This isn't normal! I loved him so, yet everyone else seems to be tore up, and here I am, just staring off into space." I cannot focus on anything. It all comes and goes in spurts. I am fine one moment, and then the next I am not. My life has become nothing but unpredictable, and uncertain.
Today we buried my husband. That was beyond hard. I didn't want to leave the cemetery, just as I didn't want to leave the hospital room that night. I felt like I was abandoning him. I know he is no longer with his body, but sometimes it is hard to distinguish between the two.
I know one day, it will get better. I'll get there eventually, but it seems so unreachable and unattainable at this very moment. I lost my step-mother several years ago, and that was the first person I had ever lost, that I was close to. It was hard, but it has gotten easier. I still think of her daily, but not with as much sadness...more with smiles of the memories we shared. She was also young, in her early thirties, and also died of cancer. Yet I cannot compare the two. This was my best friend. My soul mate. My world. The two are not interchangeable. I cannot even begin to look at what my future holds, because it's too scary. I cannot fathom a life without him. I always imagined growing old with him, and sharing moments with our children, and grandchildren. Now he is gone, and I am alone. I have so many people surrounding me, yet I still feel so alone, because I am.
It was a beautiful service yesterday. There were so many people who came. Just like I told him there would be. I laughed. I cried. Most of all, I missed. After the service, we had a reception. The room was filled with mostly laughter, and a few tears. This is what Pat would have wanted. Toward the end, I had a pretty revealing moment. A woman came up to me, and introduced me to her kids as "Pat's widow." Wow. That was pretty hard to hear. That's what my life has become. I am a widow at 26 years old. It just doesn't seem possible. When I was 16, if you would have asked me where I thought I would be in ten years, never in a million years did I think I would be here. I don't want to be here right now.
I know I will be with him again, and right now, I wish it was my time....now. Don't read into this the wrong way. I am not saying I am going to commit suicide. And don't get me wrong, I love my family, and I love my boys. But right now, none of it matters. I miss my love, and I want to be with him. I know the only way that will happen, is if I go too. If you have never lost a spouse, then I don't expect you to understand. If you have lost your spouse, then you know exactly what I mean.
I have gone back and read some of my blog posts, and honestly I am not sure how I even wrote some of them. Some of them sound so positive, and uplifting, even after he passed. I apologize that I am not there today. It will be a long time healing. I'm sure I will go back and forth, up and down. I already have. It's only been a week, yet it feels like an eternity.
My son Keegan, is such a lover. In a little over a week, he will be five. He understands, but minimally, what is going on. He was with his biological dad, in Washington, when Pat passed. He got here this past friday, for the services and such. When I sat down to tell him, my heart broke all over again. Another revealing moment. I got a few pamphlets from the funeral home. One was entitled, "Talking With a Child About a Loved One's Death." It explained to avoid using phrases like, 'passed away', or 'went away', because it doesn't convey the finality of death. So for the first time all week, I had to actually utter the words, "Pat died, honey." His lip quivered a bit, and his eyes welled up with tears, but I know he doesn't fully understand, since later that evening he asked, "Mommy, where's Pat? Pat's at the doctors?" And I have to try to explain it all over again. He still asks, but after he asks, he responds to his own question with, "Pat's with God?" "Yes, honey, Pat's with God now." I respond. He sees my pain, and keeps asking me, "Mommy, you ok?!" "Let me gib you a hug," then he hugs me. He says, "Mommy, let me gib you a kiss," and not only kisses my mouth, but my cheek, and my forehead. It is the sweetest thing, ever.
Today we buried my husband. That was beyond hard. I didn't want to leave the cemetery, just as I didn't want to leave the hospital room that night. I felt like I was abandoning him. I know he is no longer with his body, but sometimes it is hard to distinguish between the two.
I know one day, it will get better. I'll get there eventually, but it seems so unreachable and unattainable at this very moment. I lost my step-mother several years ago, and that was the first person I had ever lost, that I was close to. It was hard, but it has gotten easier. I still think of her daily, but not with as much sadness...more with smiles of the memories we shared. She was also young, in her early thirties, and also died of cancer. Yet I cannot compare the two. This was my best friend. My soul mate. My world. The two are not interchangeable. I cannot even begin to look at what my future holds, because it's too scary. I cannot fathom a life without him. I always imagined growing old with him, and sharing moments with our children, and grandchildren. Now he is gone, and I am alone. I have so many people surrounding me, yet I still feel so alone, because I am.
It was a beautiful service yesterday. There were so many people who came. Just like I told him there would be. I laughed. I cried. Most of all, I missed. After the service, we had a reception. The room was filled with mostly laughter, and a few tears. This is what Pat would have wanted. Toward the end, I had a pretty revealing moment. A woman came up to me, and introduced me to her kids as "Pat's widow." Wow. That was pretty hard to hear. That's what my life has become. I am a widow at 26 years old. It just doesn't seem possible. When I was 16, if you would have asked me where I thought I would be in ten years, never in a million years did I think I would be here. I don't want to be here right now.
I know I will be with him again, and right now, I wish it was my time....now. Don't read into this the wrong way. I am not saying I am going to commit suicide. And don't get me wrong, I love my family, and I love my boys. But right now, none of it matters. I miss my love, and I want to be with him. I know the only way that will happen, is if I go too. If you have never lost a spouse, then I don't expect you to understand. If you have lost your spouse, then you know exactly what I mean.
I have gone back and read some of my blog posts, and honestly I am not sure how I even wrote some of them. Some of them sound so positive, and uplifting, even after he passed. I apologize that I am not there today. It will be a long time healing. I'm sure I will go back and forth, up and down. I already have. It's only been a week, yet it feels like an eternity.
My son Keegan, is such a lover. In a little over a week, he will be five. He understands, but minimally, what is going on. He was with his biological dad, in Washington, when Pat passed. He got here this past friday, for the services and such. When I sat down to tell him, my heart broke all over again. Another revealing moment. I got a few pamphlets from the funeral home. One was entitled, "Talking With a Child About a Loved One's Death." It explained to avoid using phrases like, 'passed away', or 'went away', because it doesn't convey the finality of death. So for the first time all week, I had to actually utter the words, "Pat died, honey." His lip quivered a bit, and his eyes welled up with tears, but I know he doesn't fully understand, since later that evening he asked, "Mommy, where's Pat? Pat's at the doctors?" And I have to try to explain it all over again. He still asks, but after he asks, he responds to his own question with, "Pat's with God?" "Yes, honey, Pat's with God now." I respond. He sees my pain, and keeps asking me, "Mommy, you ok?!" "Let me gib you a hug," then he hugs me. He says, "Mommy, let me gib you a kiss," and not only kisses my mouth, but my cheek, and my forehead. It is the sweetest thing, ever.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Pat's letter......
Well today was the hardest day of my life. I know tomorrow won't be any easier, and it will only get worse from here. I have a long, hard day ahead of me, so I can't write much. I wanted to share a letter that I wrote for Pat. I placed it in the casket with him, and also read it aloud at the funeral. For those of you that weren't able to be at the service, I wanted to share it with you as well.
Dear Pat,
You are the love of my life, and I still cannot believe you are gone. I cannot wrap my mind around never being able to touch you again, or hold you, or kiss you. Everyone keep asking me how I am doing. Well truth be told, I am not ok. I have lost my best friend. You were the one who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. You were the one person I could tell anything to. My rock. And now your life has come to an end, yet I feel as if mine has too. You still hold my heart, and now it is shattered into a million pieces. The future holds nothing but uncertainties, and I am so scared to do this on my own. I am so scared to be alone. I miss you so. I feel so empty inside.
You were the most loving and caring person I have ever met, and you had the hugest heart. Many people have said that I changed your life. But the truth is, you eternally changed mine. You showed me what it was like to be unconditionally loved. You showed me the meaning of true love. You made me laugh, and knew exactly when I needed to. You had that sparkle in your eye, and it melted my heart.
You are the most amazing person I have ever met. I admired you for your courage, and strength. You admired the little kids who had Leukemia, and other childhood cancers. You always wondered how they kept smiling. Yet you never saw the similarities. You were just like those children. No matter how much pain you were in, you always wore a smile. I miss that smile.
I know you are in a better place. You are finally free of pain. You are at peace. Yet that doesn’t make the pain in my heart any less. And I feel guilty for wanting you back. Back in my arms.
I look into Kayden’s eyes, and I feel so blessed to be his mommy. Although with every look, it is a constant reminder, and it breaks my heart to know that you will not be around to watch him, or any of the kids, grow up. Just know, I will make sure Kayden will grow up knowing who you are. And Keegan will grow up remembering you. I promise.
Music was a huge part of your life. You were always listening to some kind of music. You had no bias, you listened to it all. And I know it’s you sending me songs, of love. I hear them on the radio, and I think of you.
You always were the life of the party. Always trying to make someone laugh, or at least smile. Always clowning around. All the memories, they keep flooding back to all of us, like they happened yesterday. Silly stories like the dime story, when you were a kid, to when you always poked fun at me for being on the phone. I know that’s you. Sending all the memories back. You are just trying to make us all smile once again.
You always said when you were cancer free, we were going to celebrate. Well now you are cancer free, and we will celebrate. We will celebrate your life, and we will celebrate that you are where we all long to be one day. In heaven.
I know you are looking down on us now, smiling. I can’t wait to be with you again, and although it seems like an eternity away, I know it will be soon enough, in perfect timing. When that day comes, I know you will be waiting at the gates, next to Jesus, shining your bright smile, and I will be at peace, at home, at last.
I also want you to know that I will honor you, as my husband. I will do what you said, and what we talked about many, many late nights. Trust me when I say, I will not let your courageous fight be in vein.
My heart aches, and I long to feel your warm embrace, to be held by you once again. I love you, and I always will. You will forever be missed, and there will always be a piece of me gone. My life will never be the same. You will forever be in my heart, and on my mind. You will never be forgotten, my Valentine.
Just remember, this is not goodbye, my love, it’s I’ll see you soon. I love you, more.
Love,
Your wife,
Jen
Dear Pat,
You are the love of my life, and I still cannot believe you are gone. I cannot wrap my mind around never being able to touch you again, or hold you, or kiss you. Everyone keep asking me how I am doing. Well truth be told, I am not ok. I have lost my best friend. You were the one who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. You were the one person I could tell anything to. My rock. And now your life has come to an end, yet I feel as if mine has too. You still hold my heart, and now it is shattered into a million pieces. The future holds nothing but uncertainties, and I am so scared to do this on my own. I am so scared to be alone. I miss you so. I feel so empty inside.
You were the most loving and caring person I have ever met, and you had the hugest heart. Many people have said that I changed your life. But the truth is, you eternally changed mine. You showed me what it was like to be unconditionally loved. You showed me the meaning of true love. You made me laugh, and knew exactly when I needed to. You had that sparkle in your eye, and it melted my heart.
You are the most amazing person I have ever met. I admired you for your courage, and strength. You admired the little kids who had Leukemia, and other childhood cancers. You always wondered how they kept smiling. Yet you never saw the similarities. You were just like those children. No matter how much pain you were in, you always wore a smile. I miss that smile.
I know you are in a better place. You are finally free of pain. You are at peace. Yet that doesn’t make the pain in my heart any less. And I feel guilty for wanting you back. Back in my arms.
I look into Kayden’s eyes, and I feel so blessed to be his mommy. Although with every look, it is a constant reminder, and it breaks my heart to know that you will not be around to watch him, or any of the kids, grow up. Just know, I will make sure Kayden will grow up knowing who you are. And Keegan will grow up remembering you. I promise.
Music was a huge part of your life. You were always listening to some kind of music. You had no bias, you listened to it all. And I know it’s you sending me songs, of love. I hear them on the radio, and I think of you.
You always were the life of the party. Always trying to make someone laugh, or at least smile. Always clowning around. All the memories, they keep flooding back to all of us, like they happened yesterday. Silly stories like the dime story, when you were a kid, to when you always poked fun at me for being on the phone. I know that’s you. Sending all the memories back. You are just trying to make us all smile once again.
You always said when you were cancer free, we were going to celebrate. Well now you are cancer free, and we will celebrate. We will celebrate your life, and we will celebrate that you are where we all long to be one day. In heaven.
I know you are looking down on us now, smiling. I can’t wait to be with you again, and although it seems like an eternity away, I know it will be soon enough, in perfect timing. When that day comes, I know you will be waiting at the gates, next to Jesus, shining your bright smile, and I will be at peace, at home, at last.
I also want you to know that I will honor you, as my husband. I will do what you said, and what we talked about many, many late nights. Trust me when I say, I will not let your courageous fight be in vein.
My heart aches, and I long to feel your warm embrace, to be held by you once again. I love you, and I always will. You will forever be missed, and there will always be a piece of me gone. My life will never be the same. You will forever be in my heart, and on my mind. You will never be forgotten, my Valentine.
Just remember, this is not goodbye, my love, it’s I’ll see you soon. I love you, more.
Love,
Your wife,
Jen
Thursday, February 17, 2011
It's feeling a little heavy.....
Today was a pretty heavy day. Pat's parents and I went to the funeral home, and talked about the arrangements. As if being in the funeral home wasn't bad enough itself, I have no idea how we are going to pay for this. After we picked everything out, the grand total came to roughly $8,000, and that doesn't even include the burial plot. My head is in a whirlwind right now, and I can't even think straight. So, humbly, I am asking for your help. This whole experience has been a humbling one. I am so grateful that so many people are reaching out to my family, and everyone seems to have perfect timing. I feel so blessed to call many of you my friends. I have formed so many new relationships, that I know will be lasting ones. I feel bonds with people that I haven't felt in years, or maybe never had to begin with, and it's completely amazing to me. Through all the tears, I can already see God at work.
A few days before Pat passed away, I was up writing on the blog, and I started thinking to myself. I started to feel guilty, because this is supposed to be Pat's Journey, yet here I was revealing all of my personal, heartfelt feelings. Then I realized something. So many people that were reading my blog, were coming to know him through my heart, and my words. There are people following this blog, who knew Pat, and loved him. But there were also many people reading, that had never got the privilege to meet him, who were, in a sense, meeting him, and loving him, through my eyes. And I find it beautiful.
I also have found that writing this blog, and Pat's story, from my heart of hearts, has been so therapeutic for me. It helps some to be able to let loose, and get it all out. There is no one there to interrupt me, it's just me and my thoughts, and a keyboard. It has honestly been such a huge blessing.
I cannot write long tonight, as I have another long day ahead of me tomorrow. I just wanted to get a little off of my heart...it was feeling a little heavy.
A few days before Pat passed away, I was up writing on the blog, and I started thinking to myself. I started to feel guilty, because this is supposed to be Pat's Journey, yet here I was revealing all of my personal, heartfelt feelings. Then I realized something. So many people that were reading my blog, were coming to know him through my heart, and my words. There are people following this blog, who knew Pat, and loved him. But there were also many people reading, that had never got the privilege to meet him, who were, in a sense, meeting him, and loving him, through my eyes. And I find it beautiful.
I also have found that writing this blog, and Pat's story, from my heart of hearts, has been so therapeutic for me. It helps some to be able to let loose, and get it all out. There is no one there to interrupt me, it's just me and my thoughts, and a keyboard. It has honestly been such a huge blessing.
I cannot write long tonight, as I have another long day ahead of me tomorrow. I just wanted to get a little off of my heart...it was feeling a little heavy.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
I feel numb......
Today was an ok day. I feel numb. I don't know what to do. I feel lost. It hasn't sunk in yet. I'm not sure when it will, but I know it's gonna hit me like a ton of bricks, when it does. I think once the madness calms down, and everyone goes back to 'normal', and I am alone with only my thoughts....that's when it will hit me.
I keep waiting for the phone to ring, waiting to hear his voice again. Waiting for him to pop out, and laugh, and tell me it was all just a big joke. He always loved to scare me! And although I find myself fantasizing about it, I know that's not going to really happen.
When I was pregnant with Kayden, Pat recorded a message to our son. I got out the video camera and watched it today. I thought I was going to break down, and cry my heart out. Instead, I laughed, and smiled, and it was good. It was so wonderful to be able to hear his voice again, and see his beautiful smile. Even though the video was directed towards our son, it was still the same fun-loving, jovial Pat we all know and love, and I plan on trying to play it at the service.
Today I bought a few things. I bought Pat a new hat. I also bought him a clinging cross. I found this originally at the hospital gift shop in Oklahoma. My mom, Keegan, Kayden, and I, all gave it to him as a gift. We gave it to him before he fell into a coma, but he was so out of it, he didn't realize what we had given him. When he came out of the coma, he never put it down. If you have never seen one before, I encourage you to google it. They are pretty amazing. It is a hand-held cross, that feels like it was made to fit your hand, no matter what your size. When we left Oklahoma to come back to Billings, I didn't think about packing it. I thought we would be gone for a week. Pat had mentioned it, while he was in the hospital, and I looked in the giftshop, but they did not carry them. I hadn't had a chance to look anywhere else, but saw it fitting to get one for him. So today I went to the Berean Book Store, and I bought one. He will be buried 'clinging' to the cross. I also bought myself a necklace, with a 'mini clinging cross', and I put his two rings on it. The rings are meant for Kayden and Keegan, when they are old enough to understand. Until then, they will be near my heart.
I will be posting pictures on here soon. I just have to create a few albums, when I find the time. Until then, I have posted a new album on facebook, with pictures of him. Please feel free to check them out. If you are not my 'friend' on facebook, feel free to add me. Please put something in the message box though, so I don't think it's spam, and not add you.
We will meet with the funeral home tomorrow, and discuss the arrangements. I will keep everyone posted as to when and where it will be held. If not on this blog, then on facebook. And of course there will be an obituary in the paper, with the details as well. I hope those of you that he has touched will be there. He never truly knew how deeply loved, and cared about he was. He always used to ask me, "How many people do you think will be at my funeral?" My answer was always, "A ton, my love." I don't think he ever really believed me, until the end. So many of you poured out your love to him. I thank you for that. Even if he didn't know in the end, he will know on the day of his funeral, when he is watching from above. He will see that I was right, a ton of people, will be at his funeral.
I miss him so. I feel so empty inside. I cannot even imagine what this will be like when I come to the realization that he is gone, for good. Every time I think about it, I get a huge knot in my stomach, and feel like I can't breathe. I just want him back. Back in my arms.
I keep waiting for the phone to ring, waiting to hear his voice again. Waiting for him to pop out, and laugh, and tell me it was all just a big joke. He always loved to scare me! And although I find myself fantasizing about it, I know that's not going to really happen.
When I was pregnant with Kayden, Pat recorded a message to our son. I got out the video camera and watched it today. I thought I was going to break down, and cry my heart out. Instead, I laughed, and smiled, and it was good. It was so wonderful to be able to hear his voice again, and see his beautiful smile. Even though the video was directed towards our son, it was still the same fun-loving, jovial Pat we all know and love, and I plan on trying to play it at the service.
Today I bought a few things. I bought Pat a new hat. I also bought him a clinging cross. I found this originally at the hospital gift shop in Oklahoma. My mom, Keegan, Kayden, and I, all gave it to him as a gift. We gave it to him before he fell into a coma, but he was so out of it, he didn't realize what we had given him. When he came out of the coma, he never put it down. If you have never seen one before, I encourage you to google it. They are pretty amazing. It is a hand-held cross, that feels like it was made to fit your hand, no matter what your size. When we left Oklahoma to come back to Billings, I didn't think about packing it. I thought we would be gone for a week. Pat had mentioned it, while he was in the hospital, and I looked in the giftshop, but they did not carry them. I hadn't had a chance to look anywhere else, but saw it fitting to get one for him. So today I went to the Berean Book Store, and I bought one. He will be buried 'clinging' to the cross. I also bought myself a necklace, with a 'mini clinging cross', and I put his two rings on it. The rings are meant for Kayden and Keegan, when they are old enough to understand. Until then, they will be near my heart.
I will be posting pictures on here soon. I just have to create a few albums, when I find the time. Until then, I have posted a new album on facebook, with pictures of him. Please feel free to check them out. If you are not my 'friend' on facebook, feel free to add me. Please put something in the message box though, so I don't think it's spam, and not add you.
We will meet with the funeral home tomorrow, and discuss the arrangements. I will keep everyone posted as to when and where it will be held. If not on this blog, then on facebook. And of course there will be an obituary in the paper, with the details as well. I hope those of you that he has touched will be there. He never truly knew how deeply loved, and cared about he was. He always used to ask me, "How many people do you think will be at my funeral?" My answer was always, "A ton, my love." I don't think he ever really believed me, until the end. So many of you poured out your love to him. I thank you for that. Even if he didn't know in the end, he will know on the day of his funeral, when he is watching from above. He will see that I was right, a ton of people, will be at his funeral.
I miss him so. I feel so empty inside. I cannot even imagine what this will be like when I come to the realization that he is gone, for good. Every time I think about it, I get a huge knot in my stomach, and feel like I can't breathe. I just want him back. Back in my arms.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
It's not goodbye, it's I'll see you soon....
I lost my best friend today. He is my world. He has my heart. He is my soul-mate. He is my everything, and now he is gone. I cannot begin to describe the feelings I have felt today. I cannot think straight. I cannot see straight. But I do know my heart is shattered into a million pieces. I have hit a brick wall, going 120.
I am in disbelief that this has happened. I keep thinking I can wake up tomorrow, and be able to talk to him again. I keep wanting to pick up the phone, and talk to him, just to hear his voice for a couple of seconds. The reality is, I cannot. It still feels so dreamlike, yet my mind keeps telling me, it's not a dream. In fact, it's my worst nightmare, but still my life, none the less.
Although I am completely distraught, I take some comfort in knowing, Pat is healed. Although, it may not be the healing I was hoping for, he is healed none the less. He is in Heaven, with Jesus, and our Heavenly Father, and he is at peace. He is no longer in pain, no longer suffering, he can finally rest. He is in complete bliss. And I am so thankful for that.
I also take comfort in the fact that I know God is bigger than me. I know God has a bigger plan, and although I cannot fathom what that bigger plan is right now, I know that is because I am human and God is, well He's God. The reason that I have faith that He has a plan, and there is a bigger picture, is because of what I experienced in Oklahoma. When Pat fell into a coma, it was one of the lowest points of my life. I now have a 'new' low point, but that is at the top. I kept asking, "Why?! What good could possibly come from this?! I know you have a plan God, but what could it be at this point?!" Now looking back, I can see what it was. First of all, ultimately he came out of that coma. In doing so, it was a miracle! It strengthened my relationship with the Lord, and Pat's tenfold. There were so many people praying for him, and our family. It ended up bringing so many people, many of whom we didn't even know, closer to the Lord. I also believe it brought people to Christ, that may not have known him before. There were people praying for us, that I'm sure hadn't prayed in years, that were now growing in their relationship with Him. Second of all, it brought Pat and I closer together. We realized what we had, and realized all the little things, no longer mattered. We had a new found appreciation for each other, and got to experience the 'newlywed stage', all over again. The love we had for each other multiplied over and over again. It also put all of our other relationships with friends and family on a higher pedestal. We valued all of those relationships so much more. It spread to our friends and family as well. They all had a new found love and appreciation for each other as well. But even more than the people we knew directly, it also helped people we didn't even know. These people were also affected, and started to look at their relationships in their lives. I know it sounds so cliche, but really life is too short to 'sweat the small stuff.' You always think these kinds of things happen to other people. The reality is, if it happened to me, it can happen to you. And you never know when, and you can never prepare yourself for it. When I was going through, what I went through in Oklahoma, I couldn't see what the bigger picture was, but in hindsight, I now know why it happened. And for that I am grateful. So knowing that, it gives me so much hope, that although right now I don't understand what it is, I know there is a bigger picture that I just can't see, but I know God is in control, and He knows what that bigger picture is.
So please, tell those you love, that you love them, tell them often, and overuse the word. Kiss them goodnight every night. Never go to bed angry, you never know if tomorrow will come. After you are done reading this post, I hope you go tell someone, anyone, that you love them.
I know one day soon, I will meet him again. He will be there with Jesus, welcoming me to Heaven, with his gorgeous smile. It's not goodbye, it's, I'll see you soon. That doesn't stop my heart from aching for him, or my body from longing to be held by him again.....
Patrick Joseph Nave: June 4, 1978- February 14, 2011.....You will never be forgotten, and will always be loved. I promise, my sweet, sweet Valentine...
I am in disbelief that this has happened. I keep thinking I can wake up tomorrow, and be able to talk to him again. I keep wanting to pick up the phone, and talk to him, just to hear his voice for a couple of seconds. The reality is, I cannot. It still feels so dreamlike, yet my mind keeps telling me, it's not a dream. In fact, it's my worst nightmare, but still my life, none the less.
Although I am completely distraught, I take some comfort in knowing, Pat is healed. Although, it may not be the healing I was hoping for, he is healed none the less. He is in Heaven, with Jesus, and our Heavenly Father, and he is at peace. He is no longer in pain, no longer suffering, he can finally rest. He is in complete bliss. And I am so thankful for that.
I also take comfort in the fact that I know God is bigger than me. I know God has a bigger plan, and although I cannot fathom what that bigger plan is right now, I know that is because I am human and God is, well He's God. The reason that I have faith that He has a plan, and there is a bigger picture, is because of what I experienced in Oklahoma. When Pat fell into a coma, it was one of the lowest points of my life. I now have a 'new' low point, but that is at the top. I kept asking, "Why?! What good could possibly come from this?! I know you have a plan God, but what could it be at this point?!" Now looking back, I can see what it was. First of all, ultimately he came out of that coma. In doing so, it was a miracle! It strengthened my relationship with the Lord, and Pat's tenfold. There were so many people praying for him, and our family. It ended up bringing so many people, many of whom we didn't even know, closer to the Lord. I also believe it brought people to Christ, that may not have known him before. There were people praying for us, that I'm sure hadn't prayed in years, that were now growing in their relationship with Him. Second of all, it brought Pat and I closer together. We realized what we had, and realized all the little things, no longer mattered. We had a new found appreciation for each other, and got to experience the 'newlywed stage', all over again. The love we had for each other multiplied over and over again. It also put all of our other relationships with friends and family on a higher pedestal. We valued all of those relationships so much more. It spread to our friends and family as well. They all had a new found love and appreciation for each other as well. But even more than the people we knew directly, it also helped people we didn't even know. These people were also affected, and started to look at their relationships in their lives. I know it sounds so cliche, but really life is too short to 'sweat the small stuff.' You always think these kinds of things happen to other people. The reality is, if it happened to me, it can happen to you. And you never know when, and you can never prepare yourself for it. When I was going through, what I went through in Oklahoma, I couldn't see what the bigger picture was, but in hindsight, I now know why it happened. And for that I am grateful. So knowing that, it gives me so much hope, that although right now I don't understand what it is, I know there is a bigger picture that I just can't see, but I know God is in control, and He knows what that bigger picture is.
So please, tell those you love, that you love them, tell them often, and overuse the word. Kiss them goodnight every night. Never go to bed angry, you never know if tomorrow will come. After you are done reading this post, I hope you go tell someone, anyone, that you love them.
I know one day soon, I will meet him again. He will be there with Jesus, welcoming me to Heaven, with his gorgeous smile. It's not goodbye, it's, I'll see you soon. That doesn't stop my heart from aching for him, or my body from longing to be held by him again.....
Patrick Joseph Nave: June 4, 1978- February 14, 2011.....You will never be forgotten, and will always be loved. I promise, my sweet, sweet Valentine...
Monday, February 14, 2011
I am afraid to go to sleep.....
Well nothing too drastic has changed since my last post. They have upped his pain medication a few times today. He has a PCA pump, so he is on a continuous drip of dilaudid, but also can push the button every 15 minutes to administer a boost to himself. His pain levels were much better today.
His family and I talked to the doctors today, and came to the consensus that we will just let this disease take it's course. He will not be put on any form of life support, or be resuscitated if he were to stop breathing. He doesn't need to be in pain, or continue to suffer. And although Pat wouldn't give us all a black and white answer, I feel like this is what he wants. Although I feel like we all made the right choice, it does not make it any easier. It's a pretty tough pill to swallow.
I had to tell my husband today, that although I don't want him to go, I understand that if he is tired, he can. I had to tell him, it was 'ok'. Even though on the inside, I am not 'ok', and don't feel like I am going to ever be 'ok'. My life will never be the same again. I know people say that it gets easier with time, but right now, that's impossible for me to envision.
There is a man we met a few months back. His name is Tom. We had a going away/fundraiser dinner before we left to go to Oklahoma, and we met him that night. His wife was also going through cancer at the time, and was in another city getting treatments, while he was here, working. When we came back a few weeks ago, and had the get together dinner, he just happened to be there. In the time we were gone, he had lost his wife. When I heard this, my heart ached for the man. I hardly knew him, yet I wept for his sadness. I could see it in his bright blue eyes. I knew it was a possibility I would be in his shoes one day. Yet I did not want to believe it would be this soon.
I am afraid to go to sleep tonight, because I am afraid when I wake up, he will not be here...
His family and I talked to the doctors today, and came to the consensus that we will just let this disease take it's course. He will not be put on any form of life support, or be resuscitated if he were to stop breathing. He doesn't need to be in pain, or continue to suffer. And although Pat wouldn't give us all a black and white answer, I feel like this is what he wants. Although I feel like we all made the right choice, it does not make it any easier. It's a pretty tough pill to swallow.
I had to tell my husband today, that although I don't want him to go, I understand that if he is tired, he can. I had to tell him, it was 'ok'. Even though on the inside, I am not 'ok', and don't feel like I am going to ever be 'ok'. My life will never be the same again. I know people say that it gets easier with time, but right now, that's impossible for me to envision.
There is a man we met a few months back. His name is Tom. We had a going away/fundraiser dinner before we left to go to Oklahoma, and we met him that night. His wife was also going through cancer at the time, and was in another city getting treatments, while he was here, working. When we came back a few weeks ago, and had the get together dinner, he just happened to be there. In the time we were gone, he had lost his wife. When I heard this, my heart ached for the man. I hardly knew him, yet I wept for his sadness. I could see it in his bright blue eyes. I knew it was a possibility I would be in his shoes one day. Yet I did not want to believe it would be this soon.
I am afraid to go to sleep tonight, because I am afraid when I wake up, he will not be here...
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